Can't Get Into Your Blog

Dear Family and Friends,

I turned my blog off for a few days so I could get out of my head what's been causing me to cut so much. It was for my protection.

On Tuesday the 25th I met with my psychiatrist. We discussed changing all but one of my meds. I've been suicidal, hanging on until I could see her. I'm taking the meds I had been taking before my insurance ran out when everything had to be changed. It sent me into a state of oblivion (no joke here) where getting through the day became more difficult.

I chose not to hospitalize myself. I wasn't going to argue with a psych who didn't know the plan we had ready to go. Bad decision? Maybe but I think it was the best decision at the time.

All that to say I'm transitioning off the bad meds and onto the good ones. I feel more confident walking forward having survived what I survived.

No drama.
Life in life's terms.

Thanks-
Amy

Father's Day

The Past:
Family
Affected
Through
His
Excruciating
Rage and
Sarcasm

Diseased
Alcoholic
Yelling




The Present:
Farewell
Argumentative
Temper
Hatred
Evil
Rampage
Seducer

Destroyer
Admonishing
Youth-abuser

It's Not Over

What do I see?

Tears
Pain
Relief
Blood
Progression
Crosses
Heart Hurts
Under Stomach Hurts
Split Down the Middle
Deadened
Knife Dripping With Unresolved Pain
Cut in Half
Nowhere To Hide
Cover It All Up
Shoulders Are Overburdened
Hands Grabbing
Anchored In Self
No Chains
No Bondage
Cut Some More....

Good Thinking

I did not cut today but here's what I drew out to do to myself.

I gave a friend permission to call a friend of hers who is a therapist or the police if she ever felt I was in danger. That was hours before this happened.

I was at her house having another fight with an anxiety attack. She drove me home. I tried to go to sleep. Yeah, like that's gonna all of a sudden work.

Got up and planned on doing more cutting, adding to the existing artwork on my body. Pulled up the file from the other day. Using the paint feature, I added the red lines to the already existing ones, trying to get a feel of what to do next.

Then I heard loud pounding. Thought it was the cats racing up and down the cat tree. But then someone was turning the door knob and bright lights were shining into my house. Great, the police were here. She had called them to see how I was doing. My other friend was here, too.

The police talked to me for quite a bit. I showed them the cutting I'd done the week before, my therapist I see twice weekly and the appt I have on Tuesday with my psychiatrist who is already going to change my meds. I explained what happened last Thursday with the double seizures and PTSD/panic attacks. I didn't mention anything about the drawings nor about anything else that could compromise my control in the situation.

1. Good thing I didn't cut.
2. They agreed my anxiety couldn't be handled by the ER.
3. They suggested I stay with my friend.

After much discussion about the hospital, I put on my shoes, grabbed my clothes and spent the night at her house.

I didn't cut, I didn't get committed for the up-teenth time and now it's only three days until my meds get adjusted.

I feel I've lost a friend, I'm grieving that loss but I'm trying to move on. In the meantime, I have to do what I can to cope. And for some reason, chocolate isn't working, drinking isn't working but cutting is working. It's getting the pain out.

I Believe

Dear God,

I believe you have a plan and purpose for all the events that have shaped who I am.

I believe you will fully restore me for your glory so others can be encouraged as they walk the same difficult paths I've walked for the last 28 years.

I believe you do not waste pain. You provide the right people at the right time for the right purpose.

I believe when three cords are intertwined they cannot be broken.

I believe you are the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament.

I believe you are strong, steadfast and true to your word.

I believe you are healing only what you can heal as long as I have my hands open and my arms outstretched toward you.

I believe you will mend brokenness, comfort grieving and bring a new day when all tears shall be wiped away.

I believe you are for me, not against me.

I believe you love me with an everlasting love.

I believe you were with me while the sexual abuse was happening. I believe you cried for me when I could not utter a sound.

I believe you are a righteous judge and my Dad has stood before you (as other perpetrators have) and been confronted with the sin they committed against an innocent little girl.

I believe you are the great forgiver of my sin and of all sin, no matter how bad or how ugly.

I believe when my Dad asked Christ to forgive him for his sin at age 12, Christ received him into his family where my Dad now rests.

I believe the pain in my heart will always be with me.

I believe you will be with me, too.

Love Amy

This song was chosen because there are those who don't know God and need to. Just like Jesus didn't hang out with those who didn't need a doctor, we need to reach out to those who are lost in and of this world.

Lost, Not Found

Dear God,

Lost in the pain of losing a friend. Lost in the inability to sleep. Lost in deep sorrow over many things. Lost in my relationship with you.

Nowhere to be found. Gone in my mind. Departed from reality. Driving far away where no one can ever find me.

Restless thoughts. Restless motions. Restless racing. Restless images.

No peace. No slumber. No escape.

Prisoner of internal war.

Love Amy

DEAD-A Few Days Later

Dear God,

Brokenness manifests itself in many forms. Like other people with a similar background, manifestation is inward pain shown on the outside of our bodies. Either through cutting, over eating, starvation, alcoholism or pornography. Those are just a few of mine.

I want to believe what your Word says but honestly I've lost my footing. I've slipped - now I know what that means after 28 years in 12 step groups. The Al-Anon meeting last night was refreshing. Being amongst a healthy group of strong recovery helped me feel stronger, like I can take charge and submit what needs fixing to you and to Jeff. I know I have to let Jill go. That pains my heart but if it's necessary for both our growth, with a breath of kindness, I place us in your hands.

Steps I learned at Good Shepherd in April:

1. Admit you need help
2. Find safe groups and people
3. Talk about your hurts, stumbling blocks and destructive thoughts or habits
4. Practice positive new behaviors
5. Practice them again
6. Keep a brief daily journal of your day
7. Find your expression: Self-talk; Self-expression; self-soothing
8. Believe you know yourself better than anyone else!

I believe my feeble life has a plan and a purpose. I believe you are working on it even when I carve up my body, drink or abuse myself in some other way. The ways of escape are numerous.

God, you're the only one I trust. Most people, except for two, have stuck with me through it all. I think the cutting freaks most people out.

Love Amy

Do You Really Know?

Not unless you've had these feelings or violations:

Addiction, Beaten, Convulsions, Dominated, Eating Disorder, Falsehood, Gone, Harsh, Ignored, Judged, Keep Secrets, Lost, Melancholy, Nowhere, Out of It, Panic, Quiet, Ready to Fight, Scared, Tearful, Used, Violated, Withdrawn, Xcelerated Childhood Development, Yearning for Comfort, Zero Safety.

I sit here with my left arm all cut up from trapped feelings. Unless you've been where I've been, you have no idea, I would never wish it upon you and I'd never expect you to understand. In fact, I expect you to leave me.

Having a vivid dream of my father raping me at age 12-13 then in the dream him acting as if you're dating is disgusting. That's what happened. What does an adult who felt like a child, who just came off a day of two seizures, do with all of that? She cuts. She carves. She makes a clear statement. Sure the pain gets out, the trauma is released, the most horrible occurrence in her life has a voice and is heard but who hears it?

I hear it. Do you?????? It whispers my name over and over again.



Lyrics:

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again...

(Chorus)
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

(Chorus)

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

(Chorus)

There's No Crying In Cutting

(My Arm - June 13, 2009)

Depraved
Enemy
Always
Deceitful

DEAD

The enemy is lurking,
Seeking out survivors.
Find him and kill him.
If you don't he will find you
And destroy you.

Make a laceration, carve out the anguish.
Your pain means a lot to someone, you just have to reach out.
I didn't.
In the end, I hurt myself but it's all I knew at the time.
There are those I could have called, could have reached out to.
But in the end, I was so overwhelmed with torment that cutting was the only release I could grasp. And in the end, I have no regrets.

That's the saddest part...

Cry for Help?

Dear God,
I have my knife. I am alone, I am dead, I am determined to let this pain out once and for all. I will carve a sign or a series of lines. I will etch a saying or a pattern of hash marks.

I will bleed.
I will feel that sweet release.
I will cut as much as I want to until it's gone.
I will cut as deep as I want to until it's out.

My Dad, that bastard who raped me last night in the dream will not ever stop me. I was thirteen when that happened. His death will be my death.

I will cut out the pain, the dirtiness, the shame.
There will be external scars for what he did to me.
Scars no one else can ever stop.

I go now and I cut.
Carefully, with precision, so I don't get locked up in the hospital.
No one will know where or how wide or how long or how deep.

Only you and I shall know.
Everyone else can only guess.

Erik

God is God

Dear God,

Thank you for my friends that showed up during the night in my hour of need. You know the details of the seizure, anxiety attack, another seizure and another anxiety attack. You know they called 911. You know the comfort they gave and the group decision that was made when I was not functional to make it.

"Lord, through all the generations you have been our home! Before the mountains were created, before you made the earth and the world, you are God, without beginning or end." Psalm 90:1-2

Trust is growing through seizures (the second one in 72 hours). It's growing by making a phone call and my friends following the phone tree. It's growing when I let people rub my back, when I rock back and forth, when I cry and when Jill showed up. I unfroze myself and was able to ask her to hold me while I sobbed.

I had a vision of abuse that was trying to surface. I was four years old. It didn't come up visually but through my body I experienced the fear and terror. Then, just as I was starting to calm down, another seizure hit as Jill was holding me. I couldn't breathe like the other one two days earlier. I was conscious but unable to stop it.

What am I learning? I'm very tired. Therapy is hard. I have friends and family who are there for me in a heartbeat if they can be. I'm not alone. It's okay to receive touch.

My love languages are touch and time. Difficult for someone with a past like mine but not impossible without the help of you and the Holy Spirit.

Love Amy

A Two Hour Session

Dear God,

A two hour session with Jeff. Jill sat beside me. I talked about past relationships with women. It was tiring remembering all those people - some good, some bad and some in limbo. It was draining when I was done. I started to feel the tears coming. Not believing all I had shared.

It's not over yet. There's more to go. I'm "this far" from being done. The trust/mistrust issues were more clear to Jeff than they ever had been and took him by surprise. At a young age I was emotionally raped by a woman who had her own family and her own agenda. I know it's a hard concept to understand and it was just as hard to hear. But now I know why it's been so hard all these years.

Rape.
The ultimate in betrayal of trust.
Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman.
Doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical, mental or spiritual.
It doesn't matter the age or gender.
It steals innocence.
It leaves behind a victim.
Rape destroys what only God can heal.

So God, please help me through this. You know how badly and how deeply I want to cut. How much I want to slash my arms, shoulders and stomach. Cut until there's so much blood I'd need to take a shower in order to rinse it all off. And even then, the water would only rinse away the external evidence of internal pain. The emotional pain would not actually go away.

Scars. Slash marks. Dried blood. Band-aids. Ointment. Long sleeves. Some physical pain but not really. Sterile precision.

I'm lost right now. I just feel lost.
Love Amy

Walk On

Dear God,

Our CR group began discussing starting our 4th steps (Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). I sat in the group knowing how many years it's been since I've done one. The new revelations, memories, relationships - all of it. I really tried to think hard about the responses I was giving to our step study book. I felt I was being honest knowing it's the only way to grow in my relationship with you and with others.

I haven't done my homework. I have a list of names: Gail, Sandy, JoAnn, Avis, Maureen, Pat, Rita, Jo, and Bonnie. I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll bring the list to Jeff then he, Jill and I can do the board.

I had another seizure last night. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm very tired. I have a good size blue bruise where the vein burst. My body aches, my mind is a little numb so it's not quite thinking straight.

I'm scared again. I might need to cry out tonight. I don't want to cut. It feels that way inside. One foot in front of the other. Walk On.

Love Amy

Healing Trust

Dear God,

I've been feeling out of touch lately. Except for writing, I'm zoning off as I sit on the couch, ride in a car or fumble my way through cleaning the house. Where is my mind traveling to? And why does it feel a need to leave?

After meeting with Jeff and Jill, I was given a homework assignment. I'm supposed to brainstorm significant friendships with women that have ended. List the good, the bad and the ugly. Then Jeff and I are going to do a board thing on Thursday. This is to help me identify trust. What is it? I have no clue.

When I think about trust I think of hiding my emotions, not letting anyone touch me, standing off at a distance and not talking. If they can handle that, I trust them. But to cry or be angry, be hugged or held, draw close to someone or talk...that scares the crap out of me and I run. Backwards but it's the truth.

So I have a woman whom God has put into my path for this purpose. She scares the crap out of me. She respects my boundaries, is the voice of reason when I'm being unreasonable out of fear, and she is not enabling my dysfunctional behavior. She's loving and wants to do the right thing. So, the question becomes, do I let her?

All my little kids say, "YES!"
I'm freaked out.

God, I'm gonna have to grow in my trust with you, too, because you're the one who hooked us up. Please give me what I need to be completely naked and exposed when it comes to these issues. They prevent me from receiving the love and comfort you want to give.

I surrender all.
Love Amy

You're All I Need

Dear God,

Thank you for what Annie shared in her email. Now I will share it with others.

Love Amy

Gratitude

Dear God,

Here is a list of what I'm grateful for today:

My age, Bible, Christ, deliverance, eternity, family, girlfriends, Holy Spirit, intuition, justice, keepsakes, laughter, mountains, naps, oceans, poverty, quiet, reflection, second chances, trust, uniqueness, visualization, weather changes, xcellent music, youngsters, zero failure in your eyes.

I feel numb again. Or is it the silence of my soul? How does one tell the difference? I'm so tired. Not depressed. Tired.

Oh, to be on a vacation by myself in my beloved Scottsdale. The heat, the mountains, the valleys, the animals. To swim, to sunbathe, to read, to rest without being bothered. No phone, no phone, no phone.

Perhaps someday when I can drive again. Until then, I dream of a little place called Payson, AZ. I dream of the forest road that takes my mind to far away places. And I dream of the adventure I hope to have again...someday.

God, grant me the serenity I need for today.
I love you,
Amy

In His Time

Dear God,

It has been a tiring day. I spent some time with my dear friend Pam. My body aches from normal monthly activity and aggravated problems that need medical attention. But now that I've been approved for Medicaid, I'm all set. It's just a matter of time before this is resolved.

Again, I thank you and praise you for all you have done. I'm moving forward again at a pace that is just right. I'm getting the rest I need, making phone calls to those I love and who love me, giving support to a friend as best I can and attending my new church as a new member tomorrow. I'm very excited about being reconnected with brothers and sisters who love you and love serving you.

Please help me stay the course. I know the hard work is not over. But I'm forever grateful for the last few days of pure peace. I know everything works together for good in your time.

My love to you and yours,
Amy

Peace

Dear God,

A day of peace, a night of sleep, dreams of love and fun.

Thank you for a few days of no triggers.
I praise you for healing a friendship and deepening others.
Thank you for helping me grow and through that growth, growing others.

You are a God of your Word. I hold onto those hopes, dreams and promises very tightly. For I know you cannot go against who you are or that which you have promised. For your word is trustworthy, beyond any words a human can ever give.

Please accept this song as my offering to you, my Father.
For you are worthy to be praised over and over and over again.

Love Amy

Cease Fire

Dear God,

I remember Monday nights when my Dad would be home watching a show called M*A*S*H. It was a series based on actual events from the Korean war told by doctors and nurses who'd lived through those horrifying conditions. They survived being separated from their families, having to find a family amongst strangers.

In many ways I feel the same way. Homeless in a foreign land. Here to heal my trust and mistrust issues from a broken childhood. Trying to let others help fix the woundedness of my early developmental years by letting them walk beside me - not carry me through it. Only you can carry me.

I think about the past week. How Satan ravaged war against my mental illness, fears, trust and a close relationship. I realized yesterday late afternoon that it was spiritual warfare. I read Eph 6:10 and put on your armor. I called upon you for a cease fire. To kick Satan's ass just like Rambo shows no mercy on his enemies. Somehow the picture of your heel smashing his head into the ground wasn't violent enough. I needed you equipped with a kick butt knife, an M-16 and pent up rage against the king of violators being let out with all the wrath you could muster. As predicted, you won.

For now, all shooting has stopped. It is silent. Satan has his demons but your angels are all around me. Protecting my mind, my sanity and my health. May your peace which surpasses all understanding continue flowing over me as I put on your armor so I can do what you want me to do.

Lord, I struggle with trust. I'm in your hands and your hands alone. Please teach me how to trust others and let them into those secret hiding places. I want to learn how to trust, Lord. I really do. Especially Jill whom you've chosen for this time in my life.

Love Amy

War

Dear God,

The battle I feel inside is making my mind feel crazy. Being drafted into a war I did not choose, being overrun by enemies I thought were friendlies, not being properly trained or outfitted with the right defensive gear, and left alone in a foxhole peering out at the destruction where these assailants continually attacked.

The worst strike times are at night. The darkness hides the enemy even though probes of light give off shadows. The probes are silent intruders looking for movement so the enemy can fire at the target thus destroying it. The probe also helps me see them so I know when to take cover or assimilate myself into a fighting machine. One that will run uncontrollably out of the foxhole and kill those who are trying to kill me.

There are many dead bodies inside of me.
Many who are wounded.
Many who need mental and emotional help.

But you're the Great Physician.
You have troops that can help.
Why can't I let them help me?
There's so much infection that has to be cleaned out.
Maybe too much for them to handle.

That's my greatest fear.
I'll be alone again.
Trapped in a foxhole waiting for the enemy to appear.
But this time, the enemy will be my knife.
Or maybe, the knife will be my friendly.

Amy

Despite your political beliefs, I liked this piece.

A Fortress

Dear God,

I've built a fortress around me. It has iron walls around my entire body with a special metal mixed in so I can see out but no one can see in. The iron is light to carry yet serves as a protective shield from harmful blasts of intruders. Whether friendlies or combatants, no one is allowed in.

I am a survivor. Those are the tools I never throw away. I hide when I need to be hidden. I am silent when I need to not be heard. I am clothed in protective gear when I feel threatened. I am body armored when I feel my safety is threatened. I am a survivor.

I am the protector of my inner child. I am the reason she is alive. I am the bond that holds her close to you, God. I am the only one who knows her. I am all she has. She is all I have. There are many inside wearing protective suits. They are equipped with your armour so no intruder can hurt them. They are capable and fully trained in how to do battle with the enemy. They've met him before. He is no stranger to them.

I am my own weapon. I am a double edged sword. I will fight to the death to stay alive. I will ward off enemies who try to infiltrate the foxhole I've dug and camouflaged. They will not find me. No one knows where I am. No one can hurt me anymore. I am gone and I will not be back. I have terminated relationships that are false. I am a soldier at war.

I am your soldier, God. You are my commanding officer. Only if you say so will I engage the enemy. Who is the enemy? People who say they care about me and want to love me.

Amy

Rent Free Space

Dear God,

There's a slew of rent free space in my head being taken up by things that are of this world and not of yours. Impure thoughts, trying to find answers in places that cause pain instead of healing, anxiety is at a six and disassociation is at a five. Part of the process? Some of it.

I hate night time. Especially this time of the year. Memories of those from two years ago are reappearing though they are coming out in a different form. They are not so much body memories (now that I'm sleeping on the couch) but an external presence that hoovers or surrounds me. I know if I curl into the couch and keep myself well hidden I won't be hurt. Eventually I fall asleep and the presence is gone.

What is that? Who is that? Is it a figment of my imagination or is it another sort of dream state where I'm in and out of consciousness? I don't like my bed anymore. I don't want it in my house. I can give it to my nephew. I know he'd enjoy it.

Purging. Push out. Struggle. Fight. Strain. Force. Dominate.
Paralyzed, Flight, Frozen, Helpless, Deaden, Embarrassment, Secrets.
Plead. Cry. Silence. Bleed. Loud. Unpredictable. Stench.

God, that's what I remember.

Amy

God is the focus

A Hole In My Spirit

Dear God,

An empty closet, lightless and old.
Wanting no one to find me, touch me nor hold.
Shadowy figures I hear walking by,
Trying to find me but I'm hiding inside.

I've hidden myself in the only place I've known,
A closet with doors, I know where to go.
The shadow is roaming, I hear footsteps outside.
I stay silent, barely breathing, til the peace arrives.

I think it is safe, I crawl into bed.
But the shadow returns and I'm violated instead.
I thought I'd waited long enough for him to leave.
But I was mistaken, again I am besieged.

Each time it happens I am helpless and alone.
I disassociate to places I'd like to call home.
I see myself hoovering over my bed.
This shadow is hurting me, I'm in pain and I bled.

The little ones inside are too scared to come out.
They are safely protected by a cloud of doubt.
They don't trust anyone, they don't trust me.
I understand why, I understand how that can be.

So I give them to you, Lord, though barely I let go,
For I know you are good and you will help them grow.
Some are fragile, some are weak and some are strong.
But most of them are scared, don't let this decision be wrong.

Come to me Lord and fill this empty hole.
I am willing to do the work but I need your hand to hold.
A hand that is gentle and created the dove.
One that won't hurt me, but heals with love.

In Jesus Name,
Amy

Final Raw

Dear God,

As I met with Jeff yesterday, I was talking about the ideas you'd given me. One was to increase the anxiety meds before going to bed. The other was to choose a different CD to listen to. As I prepared the couch as my bed, layed down my head and began the process of relaxation these thoughts came into my mind:

I began to feel scared again. I visualized Jesus wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I visualized Jill doing the same thing. I put myself in the center of the trinity and gathered together all of my little girls. I brought each of them, including Erik to me so I could wrap my arms around them. I told them they were going to be safe. Jill, Jeff and others were going to help me be more nurturing toward them so they weren't so scared. They all seemed to relax, especially the littlest ones. The older ones were hopeful but thankfully not defiant or skeptical. Even Erik seemed okay to let this big change happen.

You see, it's all about integration. Taking all those broken people inside who never had a voice and giving them the opportunity to speak, to cry, to get angry, to remember horrible acts against their bodies - all of it. It's time for all of us, myself included, to be fully complete lacking nothing.

Here's a poem you may have heard before. It came to mind as I began writing:

LET GO AND LET GOD!

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

- Author: Lauretta P. Burns -

There comes a time in our lives when the hardest thing to do is to let the pain out and let God heal the wounds that are so deep and scary. The ones that make you want to harm your own body so the truth doesn't ever come out. But in reality, the truth does come out. In all sorts of directions, in all sorts of choices, in all sorts of behaviors.

I'm learning in this process that God wants the truth to come out. All of it. The ugliness of it, the secrecy, the sobs, the victimization, the control men had over me at such a young age, the rawness of all of it. For this day and probably many days to come, it shall be so.

I ask for your courage and your strength, Lord. I can't do this without you.

Love Amy

There's a 16 second sound delay:

Raw #8

Dear God,

I wish the nights were easier. I wish the trauma would leave me alone. I wish the body memories would push their way through so they can be done. I hope I have the courage to not cut during all this.

Sleep eludes me. Hour by hour. Even calling Jill doesn't help. Watching a movie doesn't help. Listening to quiet music doesn't help. I roll all over the bed, in all sorts of positions. Smashed against the wall, fetal positions, rocking myself, holding onto my pillow, yet no noises.

This time, there are no noises coming out of me. No cries from the little girls. Maybe that's what's not happening. They are trapped inside and can't get out to be healed. They are thrashing but they don't have a voice.

I have a voice. I need to help them. They are not alone. Not anymore. They used to cry, cries of helplessness and physical pain. But now, the little ones are so scared. Erik is here. I am here. They need reassurance that they will never be hurt again. Ages 4-14. All of them, including Erik.

It's my job to integrate a voice for all of them. One by one, come to me my little ones. Then one day, we shall experience sleep like never before.

That's my prayer, God.

Love Amy

Lyrics are below:



Oh I feel so tired
I cannot hardly keep open my eyes
My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word
And I can't seem to remember anything
I've learned

Well do you have some of those days
When you can't be who you want to be
When you just need to close your eyes
Pull the covers up so high and drift away

And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly

Now I feel so alive
A sense of movement slowed and somehow my tongue's tied
My thoughts are shattered and they're making the stars in the sky
And I've never felt so speechless in my life

Well do you have some of those days
When you just need, you just need to be
When you just need to shut your mouth
And close your eyes and breathe in and out and drift away

And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly

Sleep, yeah so soundly
And dream, just dream
Profoundly (sleep)
So sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need

Raw #7

Dear God,

I don't know where to begin. Last night's trauma was the worst one yet. Or at least in the last year or so.

It was a hard day to get through. I thought I'd be okay going to CR but it turns out I was triggered as soon as I walked through the door. I walked right past our woman's meeting room and right into the kitchen. I had a knife flash through my head so I pretended to be looking at CR materials in a cabinet. Afterwards, I walked into a room that had historical pictures on the wall. I looked at all these godly men who served the church in pastoral roles. I thought about my home church. There's been one senior pastor.

I began to feel something in my spirit that was scaring me. Like when CR started, I could walk out of the church and walk home. But I had this major fear inside that needed to feel safe. I hid in a closet and my safety level went from a two to a ten. I felt rested and relaxed. As I was in the darkness a thought occurred to me. What if they are wondering where I am and come looking for me? Certainly that wouldn't happen. They would just figure I was doing something else and I would eventually show up.

But I kept hearing footsteps in the outside hallway walking back and forth. I could hear my sponsor walking back and forth. I was secluded and safe until the unthinkable happened. Someone opened my door. And there I stood. Exposed. My safe place was no longer safe. I was told people were looking for me and worried about me. I said I was fine. I was asked if I wanted my sponsor. I wanted to walk home but no one was going to let me do that so I opted for my sponsor.

What happened for the long minutes with Jill were surreal. I stood in a corner unable to stop shaking and shedding tears. Erik arrived and protected my kids. I called on him. I felt stronger like I could physically take Jill out in order to walk home but I knew that would cause more problems. It also isn't what I truly wanted to do - it was an emotional response to my safety being compromised. She was there trying to help me, not hurt me. She asked where I was on a scale of 1-10. I was a 4.

I remember starring at the wall for a long time. Like I wasn't there. I was fading into an abyss, void of all emotion. Was it disassociation? If it was I'd never been that far gone for so long. I kept wanting to walk home, walk home, just walk home. By myself, walk home. No place was safe but I kept wanting to walk home. Jill was not going to let that happen. When I asked why, she said it was to dangerous and she couldn't let me. I'd be fine. I tried to tell her that but she didn't believe me. I'd runaway so many times before. I'd walked on busy roads and always kept myself far from the street. I'd be fine. I'd done it before. I lived.

She asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I told her no (in a far off voice). There are signs I know when I can discern if I need to be hospitalized. Suicidal thoughts, brain chemicals noticeably not working, hopelessness. None of those were present. Plus I don't have my knife at home. It's a special knife I use to cut but I didn't have it so I wouldn't cut. She asked if she could call Jeff. I gave her his phone number.

I continued standing for a long time not letting her get anywhere near me. Nobody was allowed to come near me or touch me. For the third or fourth time she asked if I wanted to sit down. I agreed the last time. She scooted away from me so I would feel safe. She asked if I wanted to go home (she'd drive me or she'd get Pam), I mentioned maybe I should go into the meeting and she said that would be okay, too. I decided to let her drive me home.

I said nothing on the 25 minute drive. I didn't feel safe so I sat as close to the door as possible. She gave me my space and did not invade it. She promised she wouldn't talk to me or touch me. She kept her promise. Before I got out of the car she asked again where I was on a scale of 1-10. It took a lot of thought to concentrate. I was still a 4.

I said thanks then went into my house. I turned off my phone, crawled into bed and had more nightmares. I'd escaped from the church and was running so no one could catch me. The police had been called but I outsmarted them. I ran away and never came back.

Amy

Jill kept telling me this as I was with her. This song ends earlier than the time shown. There are no pictures...

Raw #6

Dear God,

Another dream, another trigger. Another burial deep into my soul. I recess into the grave of my childhood as more memories begin to surface. It's a time of great pain, great silence, avoidance of others and joy is no more.

I dreamt last night that I was at a class reunion of sorts. It was at a childhood friend's house. Her name is Dawn. I was a little reluctant to go but Tina went with me. Kevin Dyer drove us and said to call him when we were ready to be picked up. It was around 6:00.

I saw classmates I hadn't seen in 24 years. It was a safe environment, one I enjoyed. Some point during the gathering, I went to lay down. I fell asleep and it was night time when I awoke. I looked at the clock. It read 9:15. But when I awoke something was wrong. Some of my clothing was missing. I knew I'd arrived at the party completely clothed but now I woke up with clothing missing. I was naked from the waist down.

I couldn't see where my clothing was nor did I remember taking it off before I fell asleep. I was embarrassed having to walk around half clothed. Tina called Kevin. He picked us up and brought us home. I woke up.

I slept hard last night. After writing Raw #5 I burrowed into my bed. I didn't do any harm to myself though today it's very hard to fight off those thoughts. Unless you've been or are a cutter, you don't understand. The need to release that pain runs through your veins. It's as though your veins are screaming to be cut open so the pain that is filling them can be freed.

Instead, I go numb. I disassociate. I hide inside where no one can find me. I will go through the motions of this day: Seeing a movie, doing some shopping and going to Celebrate Recovery. I won't allow anyone to touch me and I won't let anyone know what's happening except my therapist and sponsor.

It's not safe. I'm not safe. What I feel scares me to my molecular structure.

Amy

From God...

Raw #5

Dear God,

I sit here in the dark with the list of things I talked to Jeff about this morning: Startled awake, Cubs game where Ron Santo was having difficulty controlling his emotions, snapping the rubber band against both wrists about 100 times each forming welts and bruises, purchasing a small eagle to put next to my dad's memorial then taking the one on the shed down and putting it in the garbage, Erik's reappearance as these triggers and traumas are resurfacing at rapid speeds, looking up at my ceiling wondering what was hidden under those trim strips that I couldn't see, the vivid dreaming and whether or not to continue living in the house my Dad owned.

All I want is to be alone. To not be bothered. To turn off the phone. To not talk to or see anyone. To be silent. To let the problems I'm having overcome my senses so I become paralyzed with the inability to function. To have my mind, memory and mental capability go completely numb. I want it to stop. Just stop.

I'm exhausted. I can't get away from it. It haunts me in the daytime and it haunts me in the night. I curl up in my bed and I'm scared like a little girl. I want to sleep in the bathtub where no one can find me. Where he couldn't find me. I want to run away so no one can ever find me.

I want to cut. I want to cut deep into the marrow of my bone so my hands fall off, my wrists are cut to the bone, the cutting going all the way up to my shoulders like it did in October. I want to cut my shoulders again and cut my stomach. I want to bleed out the pain, bleed out the memories, bleed out the trauma and bleed out the stress.

I want to bleed. I want to bleed.

Love Amy

TRIGGER WARNING: may cause victims of sexual abuse (or any abuse, really) to feel upset or give flashbacks. this may also trigger cutters.

Raw #4

Dear God,

It seems to me that my desire to honor you in what you are trying to do in me is conflicting against my spirit. No, it's not my spirit. It's more like trust or complete abandon to my sinful nature. I want to be in control of what's happening. Quite simply, I'm not. At least not in the area of binge eating and food addiction.

I dreamt last night that I was able to see Carol. She and I were talking about this very subject. She admitted she wasn't really trying to help me with this while we had been meeting for two years. She said I needed to be hospitalized for 60 days. I felt very hurt. As I was abruptly leaving, I turned to her and said, "You bitch. I can't believe you didn't care enough to address this issue all the time I was seeing you." I stormed out of her office. It was 5:45 pm. She started chasing after me but I knew I was faster than she was and could out run her. She was yelling, "We still have 15 minutes to talk if you want to come back."

I ran through the streets in a zig-zag fashion. I remember red roads then ending up in a hospital. As I walked through, there were patients and hallways and nurses and doctors. I tried to remember the route I took so I could get out. It took a little bit longer but I eventually ended up out of there.

I remembered when I was a kid my mom calling the police when I'd run away from home. I knew Carol would do that if she felt my life was in danger. I decided to get back to her office but found it difficult because I'd lost track of the route I'd taken. Eventually I found her building but then I woke up.

God, what does all of that mean? I know in the past three years my weight had gone up forty pounds. Now I'm down almost twenty but still, didn't she see that happening? Carol was a mother role to me. I think in my dream she failed. And maybe in real life, she failed.

What about in Junior High when I gained fifty pounds in three years? It's a repeat of my childhood. The stress of sexual and physical abuse back then happening frequently; The stress of healing from sexual and physical abuse now daily. I can't let these abuses, no matter how horrific they were kill me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

Lord, you know my energy level is still quite low. I tire easily. When I have a desire to go somewhere or do something I have to be very careful. I haven't been. I haven't been taking my naps. I haven't been turning off the phone. I haven't been in your word and in a good book. I need to do things that help me rest, give me a safe sense of fun but don't cause me to sin.

Please provide an answer to these concerns.
"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

Love Amy

Raw #3

Dear God,

Thank you for pushing me into an area of healing that has been long neglected. When Jo prayed that I be able to cry, who knew that two years later Jo would be brought back and Jill would be introduced into my life to give my little girl what she needs? Only you.

Jill and I talked for a long time last night. I was listening to what she was sensing God wanting her to help me through. I'm not even sure those are the right words but you know what I mean. There were moments I shared more of my story, more of my feelings then I fell silent. It was as though I was internally processing as I stared at the wall contemplating her ideas and suggestions.

I overate again tonight. I did so well with breakfast and lunch. I went over to another friend's house and felt the anxiety of being away from the safety of my home so I used food as a comfort. I knew what I was doing and didn't ask for your help. It's four hours afterward and I still feel full. Why was I hiding? What was I really feeling?

Jill and I had a beautiful morning together as only you could have designed. She drove out to my house. I showed her around (pictures of my family, the memorial wall, the back room where the art work I've done in the hospital is displayed and my clay art work). Then we went to breakfast where we had an easy going conversation about nothing. When I asked if she'd like to take a walk, she was delighted. We walked for about an hour in a Forest Preserve not far from my house. The weather was perfect, it was so green, near the river with boats and jet ski's, and then we saw the goose family, a couple of turtles and a blue heron.

When I got home I felt very relaxed. We didn't discuss anything about anything. Just small talk which felt so good. I sat outside for awhile taking in more of your creation. Then I started to get sleepy. When I was invited to spend time with another friend I was delighted but for some reason traded the serenity for addictive behavior. I could see it, I had a chance to stop it but decided I wasn't worth it.

What's wrong with me God? Why can I weigh myself in the morning, have eight tenths of a pound weight loss then stuff myself full again? Why or when will it be okay for me to be thin and to not abuse myself through food or thoughts of cutting?

Please help me with this as I begin to work on my fourth step. I think there are some deep seeded hurts that cause my habits to become hang-ups. And I don't want that life anymore.

In Jesus Name,
Amy

Raw #2

Dear God,

After writing the Raw blog I needed to rest. I was hungry so I ate a balanced meal. I wanted to watch a movie that would fill me so I picked Moses. I left my kitchen light on, climbed into bed, snuggled into my sleeping bag and burrowed myself for the story of your deliverance of a stiff necked people.

I began to fall asleep as the children of Israel reached the Promised Land. But then after that, the dreams began. I drempt I was riding a motorcycle following my Mom someplace across the country. It was an enjoyable ride with beautiful scenery and other bikers. There was a close collision when a red car did not see me in the right lane so I had to smack my hand several times on it's hood then the lady saw me and swerved back into the left lane. The next drama was when I was going down a hill which turned out to be very steep and long. It would have been okay had my brakes been working.

The motorcycle did not pick up speed but I did have to use my feet to slow down any potential acceleration. Once I was at the bottom of the hill I turned into what I thought was the Marathon gas station but was really a laundry mat. They called someone but while I was waiting I checked the brake fluid and it was empty. I noticed the Marathon station across the street so I went over there. They filled the brake fluid. A police officer was there and was talking about the dangers of riding a bike. I felt okay because I'm alert and always wear a helmet. Then a white car squeezed between myself and the police car. That was close. I paid for the brake fluid, filled my gas tank and woke up.

During the dream when all this drama was going on, here's the question that kept running through my head: Where was my Mom and did she know this was happening to me?
No, she didn't. If she could have she would have helped me. But in this instance and in some of the situations I was abused, there was nothing she could do.

Our journey through the disease of alcoholism prohibited any type of "normal" response. Awareness, protection and removing us and herself from danger were not options until she found a gas station herself that could give her the help she needed to continue on her journey.

I know you never meant any of what happened to me happen for me. I know that from the bottom of my gut and from your Word. "All things are possible through Him who gives us strength." Healing, sharing hope with others and forgiving those who hurt us. That's Christ. Only Christ.

I still feel burdened today. I still feel like I want to hibernate under my covers. I don't want to answer the phone and I don't want to talk to anybody. I just feel like crying until I can't cry anymore.

Love Amy

Raw

Dear God,

I feel lost today...quiet in my spirit yet searching for something I can't seem to find. I don't know where to go so I don't know how to get there. It's elusive and causing emotional and mental pain. My body feels burdened by a load it cannot carry. My mind seems void - there is nothing to talk about.

Jeff told me to write about the last 24 hours. I'm to include how I felt in the moment and how the experiences are affecting me now. I'm not sure what to say. My prayer is that your Holy Spirit will write what needs to come out because right now the safest place I still feel is in the arms of my friend Jill who held me while I sobbed. Here it goes.

I've been physically busy this month. The month started with a hospitalization for a kidney stone and colonoscopy. The next week I was on pain meds for spasms from the stint but still had to make phone calls to keep some disability related business going. This week I've been exhausted from vivid dreams, God's ridiculous provision for my "final" needs and I just plain have run out of energy.

By Wednesday, I was so tired I didn't want to go to Celebrate Recovery. I was depleted of energy, so much so that I was going to stay home. I remembered there was going to be someone from another church sharing her testimony which caused me all the more not want to go. But Jill and I had been sharing emails and were excited to see each other after three weeks of not being able to. I decided to go because I wanted a hug from my friend.

As I listened to the woman share her testimony, which included her time in Celebrate Recovery, I started feeling bothered. I remembered the days when I would share my story at various AA open meetings or Al-Anon meetings. We were taught to share what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. The point being don't dwell on the past, describe your transformation and bring hope to those who are still struggling by carrying the message not spreading the disease.

I tried really hard to keep an open mind as everyone has their own way of sharing their testimony. But when I heard two phrases I emotionally vanished. The first was this: "I'm a sexual predator." The second was, "This happened to me for me." After those two phrases I was triggered and I shut down for the safety of my own well-being.

It's not my job to say what anybody is or isn't. But it's very hard to sit there and think to yourself, "Lady you have no idea what you're talking about." I felt the forum of our attention was abused by someone who is looking for attention by using the "P" word. And if the sin of this world "happened to me" for me then the God of the Bible is a falsehood (which of course I don't believe).

Needless to say, when she was finished I was shaken up and wanted to cut. She ended up in our group and I knew not to say anything. I didn't trust her, her motives and I didn't hear her praise Christ - she praised the program. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit what to do during the group time. I felt him leading me to give her encouragement about the tough stuff she shared citing visual points of when it seemed hard for her to talk. I wanted to give her praise for her courage but I couldn't give positive feedback for what she'd shared.

Did I honor God in that moment? I think so. Did I honor myself, my triggers and my needs? Most definitely. When the meeting was over and Jill and I were outside, I couldn't leave without having her hold me so I could cry. There was a little girl inside who was broken and needed her friend. Jill held onto me for several minutes as I sobbed. I told her I was triggered and she tightened her hold. She told me to call her when I got home. On the drive home, I had to use the rubber band on my wrist so I wouldn't cut. I only have some blood bumps and a bruise but it stopped me from cutting. We talked for almost two hours so I could process what I was thinking and feeling.

The next day (Thursday) I had to have the stint removed. I was in a physically vulnerable position and once the procedure was about to begin I started crying. I told the nurse I had childhood sexual abuse and I needed she and the doctor to just keep talking to me during the removal process. I'm not going to go into detail but when the doctor said, "Spread your legs and relax" I heard words that had been said before by multiple perpetrators. When the procedure was done, I felt numb.

Something is happening as I write this. I keep staring at these words and my ability to type is being interrupted by memories. It's like I'm disassociating as I type so I'm going to stop now.

Amy

Do It Anyway

This is my refrigerator. This is where I've been kneeling for the last three days. You can see the cat box to the left and a couple of cats to the right. I'm never alone!!

The hard part about getting down on my knees, besides the bending and pressure I feel in my knee caps, is the humility. I feel stupid praying in front of a refrigerator to the God of all creation yet I'm desperate enough to do just about anything.

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "What happened to the thin person I used to be? Where did she go and why doesn't she want to come back?" Answers yet to be discovered.

As I was reading Hosea chapter one today, it was shocking to hear how God responded to the unfaithfulness of his people. How he asked Hosea to marry a prostitute, to have her bear the children of other men, to give them names that would end the independence of Israel, to no longer show love to the people of Israel or forgive them then to deny Israel as his people and not be their God!

But then comes a time of restoration. The people of Judah and Israel unite under one leader. "What a day that will be." God will plant his people in his land, Hosea will call his brothers Ammi (My people) and he will call his sisters Ruhamah (The ones I love).

That's what happens when unfaithfulness defiles God. I want my prayer life and outside life to reflect the leading of the Holy Spirit. His presence, His guidance and all He wants to do in and through me.

God and the Toilet

Dear God,

Thank you for meeting me in familiar places in strange ways. You always seem to get my attention. When my mind is going in one direction, your Holy Spirit leads it in another. I'm grateful to have a mind that is pointed toward you. Not perfectly by any means but has a desire to listen then follow.

This morning is the forth day I woke up depressed. I think it's a med change. Thankfully I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to suggest a med increase and documentation for the seizures. As I was doing my best thinking in the quietness of my bathroom, in a vulnerable pose each of is in several times a day, a thought found it's way into my head. I explained it to a friend this way:

"You know how people kneel to say their prayers in front of their beds either before or at the end of the day? As I was in the bathroom (where I do my best thinking) I was thinking about kneeling in front of the bathtub and praying for my eating disorder. But you know what God told me? Get down and pray in front of the refrigerator because the bathtub is not where you disobey your eating plan. I did that this morning and broke down into tears. It's amazing what happens when you listen to God's leading and obey His commands. My soul gets connected to the truth of my sinful behavior. Conviction - there's no denying it, escaping it and quite frankly if God is conforming me to the image of Christ I need to kneel in front of that refrigerator everyday until this battle is over and the victory arrives. Because one day, it will!! And If being on the toilet is the inspiration then I guess I can share it. Actually, it was the first time I didn't feel any pain from the kidney stone that is still passing. I guess it made me reflect on the pain I'm causing myself."

These next words are taken from the TouchPoint Bible New Living Translation, the introduction to the book of Hosea. Let its words penetrate your heart as they did mine. "God was faithful to his people, but his people were unfaithful to him. As a husband or wife expects faithfulness from a spouse, so God expects and longs for faithfulness from his people.

Hosea's great love for his unfaithful wife is a powerful illustration of God's great love for his people, despite their unfaithfulness. When Gomer, Hosea's wife, hit bottom, she became a slave. Hosea bought her back and brought her home to reconcile her to himself. Likewise, when we hit bottom, deep in sin, Jesus bought us back and reconciled us to God. Jesus paid for us not with money but with his own life.

If the whole concept of Hosea and his unfaithful wife stirs disgust, think of the many ways in which we are unfaithful to God. Just as Gomer lost interest in Hosea and ran after other lovers, we, too, can easily lose interest in our special relationship with God and pursue dreams and goals that do not include him. When we love anything or anyone more than we love God, we are being unfaithful, like Gomer chasing after another lover. If we worship our job and neglect God, if we worship money and forget our provider, if we worship ourselves and ignore our maker, we are playing the same adulterous game that Gomer played.

Try to feel Hosea's pain in knowing that his wife was being unfaithful; then try to understand God's pain when we are unfaithful to him. Ask yourself if you've lost your desire to know God - to really love him and please him. Rededicate yourself to faithfulness: to God and to your family. Discover the great love and tenderness of God, a love that will not let us go no matter what."

Surrender

Dear God,

It seems to me that the mental illness of depression recycles itself depending on the neurotransmitters, serotonin and other chemicals in the brain. There are days I wish I had advanced notice but when I wake up in the morning I guess that's warning enough.

Since Friday I've been struggling with getting out of bed, staying curled up under the covers and hiding the day away. Saturday was better because I spent the day with Pam on her birthday and just tagged along where ever she wanted to go. Today I woke up feeling heavy in my heart again so again I doubled up on the anxiety meds. It seems to calm me down at least for the time it's meant to.

Being approved for disability has lightened the financial burden tremendously. There have been so many prayers from many people I know and many more of those I don't know. I've been lifted higher than I deserve because of what Christ did on the cross, I know he is my Savior and I'm a daughter of His Father.

I have to keep pushing myself a little more each day to get through the weight I still carry as a protection or laziness or whatever my problem is. I think it's a combination of so much but not sure picking it apart is going to do any good. In all honesty, I'm not hungry most of the time but my food choices are not healthy. I think if I start using the exercise bike you gave me or start walking (even if I need my cane) I will begin to feel better about myself and maybe be filled by being out in the world where I can be reminded that I am still a valuable person.

Lord, I confess my sin of laziness when preparing meals, not measuring, not following what I was taught. I believe this will be a lifelong struggle but I ask you to help it be not so hard all the time. I'm willing to be broken in this area so please Lord, break me and rebuild me in this area.

I want to love you more than I love food.
Your daughter, Amy Kathleen

Barlow Girl Surrender from anella097 on Vimeo.

Writing

Dear God,

For the first time in many months I feel free to relax. The stress of financial burdens has been lifted because the Social Security was approved. Some of my physical problems are being taken care of by doctors who have great dispositions. Even though I'm still battling for food stamps and medicaid, that will eventually have to come to a close and hopefully it will be in my favor. Thank you for all of these answered prayers.

I am enjoying the sunshine. It's amazing how much a blue sky and a cool breeze can rejuvenate a wintry soul. The tulips, lilacs and other spring flowers are colorful and fragrant. I feel your presence everywhere.

Today, I'm going to have a good day. Some of that is letting it be a good day and some of it is letting go of things I have no control over. Some of it is making good decisions for myself and some of it is saying no to things that will prevent me from reaching goals. It started with a wonderful conversation with my sister Laurie and will continue as the hours pass.

Lord, I no longer want to live in a false success I visualize in my head. I want that success to be realized in the here and now no matter how long it takes. You've given me the time and you've given me the tools. As Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If it is to be it's up to me." And just for today, it's a healthy place to be.

Sleepless...Again

Dear God,

It's hard to start with adoration when what I really want to say is, "What the heck? I can't sleep for the past week." I know it's hard with these new medications and adjustments to things but really, can I get a good night's sleep without so many weird dreams about not knowing what class to be at when I was in high school? I'm frustrated.

Thank you that my knee is feeling better though stairs are not my favorite thing right now. Thank you for the financial provision you've been surprising me with for the past week. I have so many phone calls to make about the CHIPS program, my medical concerns and food stamps that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I thought watching Rambo would help with the PTSD. It's only been one day but I do feel a little better. Something about guns and blowing away the anger really helps.

I'm still wearing the rubber band on my wrist. The one Suzi gave me at Good Shepherd. It helps to snap it when I feel stress. I haven't cut since that hospitalization but even then it was because of that screaming patient who sent my nerves overboard. I know it.

So I missed my support group last night. I'm thinking about going to church with Stephanie on Saturday night to meet my Area Pastor, Marie. I miss going to church but I also know my energy level is really limited. But I can't lock myself up in my house just because I'll sleep or have sleepless nights. Someday, all of this will balance out.

And that's where you come in. I adore you for sticking so close to me through all of this. If it weren't for you, God, I would be dead.

I love you,
Amy

Create In Me A Clean Heart

Dear God,

Whenever I get together with a friend you bring about an interesting conversation. Things I didn't think I'd talk about I talk about, learning to listen more intently and staying in touch emotionally within a ride range of topics. You are amazing and so much more.

Dealing with "the envelope" yesterday was tough. It sent me back a little bit. No, it sent me back quite a bit. I began to believe the lies that were in there, lies that were told because I wasn't there to defend myself or show proof of the truth. I know you hold my future in my hands and more than likely I will not use that source for future needs but still, it hurt.

Thank you for having a friend call when I needed her to. I was able to get out of myself long enough to call her back and talk about it. Satan's ability to influence my trip up was a little too much for me to handle on my own. And even though my friend and I decided I should not watch Rambo before bedtime, she changed her mind when she heard I'd been up until two in the morning. Perhaps going to bed knowing my anger issues are being worked out through violent justice does me some good. I might try it tonight if I'm feeling the same way.

Lord, thank you for the completion of the book of Daniel. The next book is Hosea which is another one I haven't read. I ask your spirit to guide me and show me what pieces of me need to be forgiven over and over again when I have a log sticking out of my eye. My sin affects others. Please put your finger on it so I can become more like Christ and less like my sinful nature.

I love you!
Amy

Our Trust In You

Dear God,

It still amazes me at how tired I become after spending time socializing. I found it difficult to read Donald's Haiti trip notes. My brain was having difficulty with concentration and conceptualization. I had to read very slowly, often times re-reading what I wasn't able to grasp. I've found this to be normal since the seizures. But it still bothers me greatly.

I finished the book of Daniel. Chapters eleven and twelve were amazing. So many wars, changes in rulers and then the end being predicted. The end of chapter eleven verse one and two say this: "But at that time every one of your people whose name is written in the book will be rescued. Many of those whose bodies lie dead and buried will rise up, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt." Sobering. Then chapter twelve verse three says, "Those who are wise will shine as bright as the sky, and those who turn many to righteousness will shine like stars forever."

Annie, Donald and I talked a bit about Bob. The sudden death of one of their closest friends and a man who encouraged me when I was in the pits of despair. Bob came to mind who will be a star forever. His faith shone so brightly to the broken, the needy, the poor and the oppressed. He touched me and changed a part of my life forever.

Thank you, Lord, that we can put our trust in You.

Journaling

Dear God,

Today is a day where I go visit with Annie and Donald, two of the closest friends I have had since the "Deodandum" days. I'm excited they're willing to drive out to get me but even more excited I get to spend the night hopefully watching a Cubs game and catching up. These friends of mine have stood by me like so many others. I am so grateful to have a variety of friends who are there through thick and thin.

These past 967 days since my nervous breakdown have been filled with quite a selection of emotions, learning how to think new ways, relate new ways and make mistakes along the way.

But you know what? It's all been worth it. Even the hurts along the way have helped me be more sensitive to others needs including their need for my time, communication and love.

Thank you, Lord. For friends that forgive, family that challenges and doctors/therapists/lawyers who help me through the hardest of times.

Love Amy

Owner of a Lonely Heart

Some of you may recognize this title from a song released in 1983 by a band called YES. It's how I feel today.

As I read from the book of Daniel chapter ten, here's what I underlined:

"...I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three weeks."

"I, Daniel, am the only one who saw this vision. The men with me saw nothing, but they were suddenly terrified and ran away to hide. So I was left there all alone to watch this amazing vision. My strength left me, my face grew deathly pale, and I felt very weak. When I heard him speak, I fainted and lay there with my face to the ground."

"Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. And the man said to me, "O Daniel, greatly loved of God, listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you." When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling with fear."

Verse 12: "Then he said, "Don't be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.""

I love that last line..."I have come in answer to your prayer." God sends his angels to surround us when we need surrounding. I know they are under His command and I firmly believe they can fill a lonely heart. Especially when I pray for understanding of my loneliness and humbly ask God to fill it. Sometimes He does it through His Word but more often than not, I find He does it through His people. That's why knowing who God truly is? Is so important.

Confession

As I was preparing for our Celebrate Recovery group last night I realized my soul has been out of balance. I've been out of God's word, not reading a new book where short bible stories are brought to life nor have I been concerned about my physical care. I've been focused on other things, good things, but not things that nourish my soul.

As I began this day I decided to pick up where I left off in the book of Daniel, chapter nine. It's "Daniel's Prayer for His People." It's theme is confession, sin, rebellion and God's mercy. A coincidence? I think not. I'm going to follow along Daniel's prayer adding my own confession of truth and vulnerability. This is not easy and this is why only certain people are allowed to read my blog.

Dear Heavenly Father, my father, my truth-teller, my gracious forgiver. This is the first in many days that I have come to you in your word. I learned from your word that I need to turn to the Lord God and plead with you in prayer and probably fasting (though that is a big stretch these days). So here I am, Lord. Here's my prayer and confession. Lord, you are a great and awesome God! you always fulfill your promises of unfailing love to those who love you and keep your commands. But I, Amy, have sinned and done wrong. I have rebelled against the healing from binge eating and bulimia that you set before me. I have refused to listen to your chosen teachers who spoke your message of balance and nutritional health. Lord, you are in the right for convicting my spirit. My face is covered in shame, just as you see me now. I am covered in shame because I have sinned against you. But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving even though I have rebelled against him. I have not obeyed the Lord our God, for I have not followed the guidance he gave me through Rogers Memorial and Dr. Sarah. I have refused to seek help and strength from you, from your people and in return fell into a fat pit of gaining weight. While I understand one of the medications has a side effect of weight gain, Lord that's no excuse for binge eating. I am turning from my sin today and recognizing your truth. For even though I have not obeyed what you have set before me, I believe I can have victory in this area of my life. For you have faithful mercies, Lord. O our God, listen as I plead. For your own sake, Lord, smile on me and grant your servant victory in this fight. I do not ask because I deserve the victory but because you are so merciful.

With all my love and in my Savior Jesus name I pray, Amy Kathleen.

Binge Eating/PTSD

Hm. A new adjective to an old diagnosis. Delayed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) instead of acute PTSD. The difference? Acute happens right after the trauma. Delayed happens several years after the trauma. While experiencing PTSD for the first time, it was acute and chronic. Though buried in my mind it came out through Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Now the PTSD is delayed. That means it's getting better even though the psychiatrist says it's the cause of all the other mental illness except of course for the chemical ones. It doesn't feel better because the trauma surfaces as it needs to but at least I can see progress.

As I was looking for a definition of delayed PTSD I discovered other symptoms and treatments. When I was at Rogers Memorial in Wisconsin for the eating disorder I was diagnosed with bulimia. But what was really true is the binge eating disorder. Here's why: (taken from http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/binge-eating-disorder)

(BED) is characterized by a loss of control over eating behaviors. The binge eater consumes unnaturally large amounts of food in a short time period, but unlike a bulimic, doesn't regularly engage in any inappropriate weight-reducing behaviors (like excessive exercise, vomiting, taking laxatives) after the binge episodes.

That makes sense to me. Just like the causes and symptoms:

Binge eating episodes may act as a psychological release for excessive emotional stress. Other circumstances that may predispose an individual to BED include heredity and mood disorders, such as major depression. BED patients are also more likely to have an additional diagnosis of impulsive behaviors (for example, compulsive shopping), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic disorder, or personality disorders. More than half also have a history of major depression. In 2002, the American Psychiatric Association was considering including BED as a psychiatric diagnosis.

So I guess today is just gathering more information. Information that will advance healing and hopefully ignite change. These new medications are kicking my butt.