Final Raw

Dear God,

As I met with Jeff yesterday, I was talking about the ideas you'd given me. One was to increase the anxiety meds before going to bed. The other was to choose a different CD to listen to. As I prepared the couch as my bed, layed down my head and began the process of relaxation these thoughts came into my mind:

I began to feel scared again. I visualized Jesus wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I visualized Jill doing the same thing. I put myself in the center of the trinity and gathered together all of my little girls. I brought each of them, including Erik to me so I could wrap my arms around them. I told them they were going to be safe. Jill, Jeff and others were going to help me be more nurturing toward them so they weren't so scared. They all seemed to relax, especially the littlest ones. The older ones were hopeful but thankfully not defiant or skeptical. Even Erik seemed okay to let this big change happen.

You see, it's all about integration. Taking all those broken people inside who never had a voice and giving them the opportunity to speak, to cry, to get angry, to remember horrible acts against their bodies - all of it. It's time for all of us, myself included, to be fully complete lacking nothing.

Here's a poem you may have heard before. It came to mind as I began writing:

LET GO AND LET GOD!

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

- Author: Lauretta P. Burns -

There comes a time in our lives when the hardest thing to do is to let the pain out and let God heal the wounds that are so deep and scary. The ones that make you want to harm your own body so the truth doesn't ever come out. But in reality, the truth does come out. In all sorts of directions, in all sorts of choices, in all sorts of behaviors.

I'm learning in this process that God wants the truth to come out. All of it. The ugliness of it, the secrecy, the sobs, the victimization, the control men had over me at such a young age, the rawness of all of it. For this day and probably many days to come, it shall be so.

I ask for your courage and your strength, Lord. I can't do this without you.

Love Amy

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