Raw #8

Dear God,

I wish the nights were easier. I wish the trauma would leave me alone. I wish the body memories would push their way through so they can be done. I hope I have the courage to not cut during all this.

Sleep eludes me. Hour by hour. Even calling Jill doesn't help. Watching a movie doesn't help. Listening to quiet music doesn't help. I roll all over the bed, in all sorts of positions. Smashed against the wall, fetal positions, rocking myself, holding onto my pillow, yet no noises.

This time, there are no noises coming out of me. No cries from the little girls. Maybe that's what's not happening. They are trapped inside and can't get out to be healed. They are thrashing but they don't have a voice.

I have a voice. I need to help them. They are not alone. Not anymore. They used to cry, cries of helplessness and physical pain. But now, the little ones are so scared. Erik is here. I am here. They need reassurance that they will never be hurt again. Ages 4-14. All of them, including Erik.

It's my job to integrate a voice for all of them. One by one, come to me my little ones. Then one day, we shall experience sleep like never before.

That's my prayer, God.

Love Amy

Lyrics are below:



Oh I feel so tired
I cannot hardly keep open my eyes
My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word
And I can't seem to remember anything
I've learned

Well do you have some of those days
When you can't be who you want to be
When you just need to close your eyes
Pull the covers up so high and drift away

And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly

Now I feel so alive
A sense of movement slowed and somehow my tongue's tied
My thoughts are shattered and they're making the stars in the sky
And I've never felt so speechless in my life

Well do you have some of those days
When you just need, you just need to be
When you just need to shut your mouth
And close your eyes and breathe in and out and drift away

And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly

Sleep, yeah so soundly
And dream, just dream
Profoundly (sleep)
So sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need