Raw #6

Dear God,

Another dream, another trigger. Another burial deep into my soul. I recess into the grave of my childhood as more memories begin to surface. It's a time of great pain, great silence, avoidance of others and joy is no more.

I dreamt last night that I was at a class reunion of sorts. It was at a childhood friend's house. Her name is Dawn. I was a little reluctant to go but Tina went with me. Kevin Dyer drove us and said to call him when we were ready to be picked up. It was around 6:00.

I saw classmates I hadn't seen in 24 years. It was a safe environment, one I enjoyed. Some point during the gathering, I went to lay down. I fell asleep and it was night time when I awoke. I looked at the clock. It read 9:15. But when I awoke something was wrong. Some of my clothing was missing. I knew I'd arrived at the party completely clothed but now I woke up with clothing missing. I was naked from the waist down.

I couldn't see where my clothing was nor did I remember taking it off before I fell asleep. I was embarrassed having to walk around half clothed. Tina called Kevin. He picked us up and brought us home. I woke up.

I slept hard last night. After writing Raw #5 I burrowed into my bed. I didn't do any harm to myself though today it's very hard to fight off those thoughts. Unless you've been or are a cutter, you don't understand. The need to release that pain runs through your veins. It's as though your veins are screaming to be cut open so the pain that is filling them can be freed.

Instead, I go numb. I disassociate. I hide inside where no one can find me. I will go through the motions of this day: Seeing a movie, doing some shopping and going to Celebrate Recovery. I won't allow anyone to touch me and I won't let anyone know what's happening except my therapist and sponsor.

It's not safe. I'm not safe. What I feel scares me to my molecular structure.

Amy

From God...