It seems to me that the mental illness of depression recycles itself depending on the neurotransmitters, serotonin and other chemicals in the brain. There are days I wish I had advanced notice but when I wake up in the morning I guess that's warning enough.
Since Friday I've been struggling with getting out of bed, staying curled up under the covers and hiding the day away. Saturday was better because I spent the day with Pam on her birthday and just tagged along where ever she wanted to go. Today I woke up feeling heavy in my heart again so again I doubled up on the anxiety meds. It seems to calm me down at least for the time it's meant to.
Being approved for disability has lightened the financial burden tremendously. There have been so many prayers from many people I know and many more of those I don't know. I've been lifted higher than I deserve because of what Christ did on the cross, I know he is my Savior and I'm a daughter of His Father.
I have to keep pushing myself a little more each day to get through the weight I still carry as a protection or laziness or whatever my problem is. I think it's a combination of so much but not sure picking it apart is going to do any good. In all honesty, I'm not hungry most of the time but my food choices are not healthy. I think if I start using the exercise bike you gave me or start walking (even if I need my cane) I will begin to feel better about myself and maybe be filled by being out in the world where I can be reminded that I am still a valuable person.
Lord, I confess my sin of laziness when preparing meals, not measuring, not following what I was taught. I believe this will be a lifelong struggle but I ask you to help it be not so hard all the time. I'm willing to be broken in this area so please Lord, break me and rebuild me in this area.
I want to love you more than I love food.
Your daughter, Amy Kathleen
Barlow Girl Surrender from anella097 on Vimeo.
