Rent Free Space

Dear God,

There's a slew of rent free space in my head being taken up by things that are of this world and not of yours. Impure thoughts, trying to find answers in places that cause pain instead of healing, anxiety is at a six and disassociation is at a five. Part of the process? Some of it.

I hate night time. Especially this time of the year. Memories of those from two years ago are reappearing though they are coming out in a different form. They are not so much body memories (now that I'm sleeping on the couch) but an external presence that hoovers or surrounds me. I know if I curl into the couch and keep myself well hidden I won't be hurt. Eventually I fall asleep and the presence is gone.

What is that? Who is that? Is it a figment of my imagination or is it another sort of dream state where I'm in and out of consciousness? I don't like my bed anymore. I don't want it in my house. I can give it to my nephew. I know he'd enjoy it.

Purging. Push out. Struggle. Fight. Strain. Force. Dominate.
Paralyzed, Flight, Frozen, Helpless, Deaden, Embarrassment, Secrets.
Plead. Cry. Silence. Bleed. Loud. Unpredictable. Stench.

God, that's what I remember.

Amy

God is the focus