Raw #7

Dear God,

I don't know where to begin. Last night's trauma was the worst one yet. Or at least in the last year or so.

It was a hard day to get through. I thought I'd be okay going to CR but it turns out I was triggered as soon as I walked through the door. I walked right past our woman's meeting room and right into the kitchen. I had a knife flash through my head so I pretended to be looking at CR materials in a cabinet. Afterwards, I walked into a room that had historical pictures on the wall. I looked at all these godly men who served the church in pastoral roles. I thought about my home church. There's been one senior pastor.

I began to feel something in my spirit that was scaring me. Like when CR started, I could walk out of the church and walk home. But I had this major fear inside that needed to feel safe. I hid in a closet and my safety level went from a two to a ten. I felt rested and relaxed. As I was in the darkness a thought occurred to me. What if they are wondering where I am and come looking for me? Certainly that wouldn't happen. They would just figure I was doing something else and I would eventually show up.

But I kept hearing footsteps in the outside hallway walking back and forth. I could hear my sponsor walking back and forth. I was secluded and safe until the unthinkable happened. Someone opened my door. And there I stood. Exposed. My safe place was no longer safe. I was told people were looking for me and worried about me. I said I was fine. I was asked if I wanted my sponsor. I wanted to walk home but no one was going to let me do that so I opted for my sponsor.

What happened for the long minutes with Jill were surreal. I stood in a corner unable to stop shaking and shedding tears. Erik arrived and protected my kids. I called on him. I felt stronger like I could physically take Jill out in order to walk home but I knew that would cause more problems. It also isn't what I truly wanted to do - it was an emotional response to my safety being compromised. She was there trying to help me, not hurt me. She asked where I was on a scale of 1-10. I was a 4.

I remember starring at the wall for a long time. Like I wasn't there. I was fading into an abyss, void of all emotion. Was it disassociation? If it was I'd never been that far gone for so long. I kept wanting to walk home, walk home, just walk home. By myself, walk home. No place was safe but I kept wanting to walk home. Jill was not going to let that happen. When I asked why, she said it was to dangerous and she couldn't let me. I'd be fine. I tried to tell her that but she didn't believe me. I'd runaway so many times before. I'd walked on busy roads and always kept myself far from the street. I'd be fine. I'd done it before. I lived.

She asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I told her no (in a far off voice). There are signs I know when I can discern if I need to be hospitalized. Suicidal thoughts, brain chemicals noticeably not working, hopelessness. None of those were present. Plus I don't have my knife at home. It's a special knife I use to cut but I didn't have it so I wouldn't cut. She asked if she could call Jeff. I gave her his phone number.

I continued standing for a long time not letting her get anywhere near me. Nobody was allowed to come near me or touch me. For the third or fourth time she asked if I wanted to sit down. I agreed the last time. She scooted away from me so I would feel safe. She asked if I wanted to go home (she'd drive me or she'd get Pam), I mentioned maybe I should go into the meeting and she said that would be okay, too. I decided to let her drive me home.

I said nothing on the 25 minute drive. I didn't feel safe so I sat as close to the door as possible. She gave me my space and did not invade it. She promised she wouldn't talk to me or touch me. She kept her promise. Before I got out of the car she asked again where I was on a scale of 1-10. It took a lot of thought to concentrate. I was still a 4.

I said thanks then went into my house. I turned off my phone, crawled into bed and had more nightmares. I'd escaped from the church and was running so no one could catch me. The police had been called but I outsmarted them. I ran away and never came back.

Amy

Jill kept telling me this as I was with her. This song ends earlier than the time shown. There are no pictures...