Raw #4

Dear God,

It seems to me that my desire to honor you in what you are trying to do in me is conflicting against my spirit. No, it's not my spirit. It's more like trust or complete abandon to my sinful nature. I want to be in control of what's happening. Quite simply, I'm not. At least not in the area of binge eating and food addiction.

I dreamt last night that I was able to see Carol. She and I were talking about this very subject. She admitted she wasn't really trying to help me with this while we had been meeting for two years. She said I needed to be hospitalized for 60 days. I felt very hurt. As I was abruptly leaving, I turned to her and said, "You bitch. I can't believe you didn't care enough to address this issue all the time I was seeing you." I stormed out of her office. It was 5:45 pm. She started chasing after me but I knew I was faster than she was and could out run her. She was yelling, "We still have 15 minutes to talk if you want to come back."

I ran through the streets in a zig-zag fashion. I remember red roads then ending up in a hospital. As I walked through, there were patients and hallways and nurses and doctors. I tried to remember the route I took so I could get out. It took a little bit longer but I eventually ended up out of there.

I remembered when I was a kid my mom calling the police when I'd run away from home. I knew Carol would do that if she felt my life was in danger. I decided to get back to her office but found it difficult because I'd lost track of the route I'd taken. Eventually I found her building but then I woke up.

God, what does all of that mean? I know in the past three years my weight had gone up forty pounds. Now I'm down almost twenty but still, didn't she see that happening? Carol was a mother role to me. I think in my dream she failed. And maybe in real life, she failed.

What about in Junior High when I gained fifty pounds in three years? It's a repeat of my childhood. The stress of sexual and physical abuse back then happening frequently; The stress of healing from sexual and physical abuse now daily. I can't let these abuses, no matter how horrific they were kill me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

Lord, you know my energy level is still quite low. I tire easily. When I have a desire to go somewhere or do something I have to be very careful. I haven't been. I haven't been taking my naps. I haven't been turning off the phone. I haven't been in your word and in a good book. I need to do things that help me rest, give me a safe sense of fun but don't cause me to sin.

Please provide an answer to these concerns.
"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

Love Amy