Raw #3

Dear God,

Thank you for pushing me into an area of healing that has been long neglected. When Jo prayed that I be able to cry, who knew that two years later Jo would be brought back and Jill would be introduced into my life to give my little girl what she needs? Only you.

Jill and I talked for a long time last night. I was listening to what she was sensing God wanting her to help me through. I'm not even sure those are the right words but you know what I mean. There were moments I shared more of my story, more of my feelings then I fell silent. It was as though I was internally processing as I stared at the wall contemplating her ideas and suggestions.

I overate again tonight. I did so well with breakfast and lunch. I went over to another friend's house and felt the anxiety of being away from the safety of my home so I used food as a comfort. I knew what I was doing and didn't ask for your help. It's four hours afterward and I still feel full. Why was I hiding? What was I really feeling?

Jill and I had a beautiful morning together as only you could have designed. She drove out to my house. I showed her around (pictures of my family, the memorial wall, the back room where the art work I've done in the hospital is displayed and my clay art work). Then we went to breakfast where we had an easy going conversation about nothing. When I asked if she'd like to take a walk, she was delighted. We walked for about an hour in a Forest Preserve not far from my house. The weather was perfect, it was so green, near the river with boats and jet ski's, and then we saw the goose family, a couple of turtles and a blue heron.

When I got home I felt very relaxed. We didn't discuss anything about anything. Just small talk which felt so good. I sat outside for awhile taking in more of your creation. Then I started to get sleepy. When I was invited to spend time with another friend I was delighted but for some reason traded the serenity for addictive behavior. I could see it, I had a chance to stop it but decided I wasn't worth it.

What's wrong with me God? Why can I weigh myself in the morning, have eight tenths of a pound weight loss then stuff myself full again? Why or when will it be okay for me to be thin and to not abuse myself through food or thoughts of cutting?

Please help me with this as I begin to work on my fourth step. I think there are some deep seeded hurts that cause my habits to become hang-ups. And I don't want that life anymore.

In Jesus Name,
Amy