Raw #2

Dear God,

After writing the Raw blog I needed to rest. I was hungry so I ate a balanced meal. I wanted to watch a movie that would fill me so I picked Moses. I left my kitchen light on, climbed into bed, snuggled into my sleeping bag and burrowed myself for the story of your deliverance of a stiff necked people.

I began to fall asleep as the children of Israel reached the Promised Land. But then after that, the dreams began. I drempt I was riding a motorcycle following my Mom someplace across the country. It was an enjoyable ride with beautiful scenery and other bikers. There was a close collision when a red car did not see me in the right lane so I had to smack my hand several times on it's hood then the lady saw me and swerved back into the left lane. The next drama was when I was going down a hill which turned out to be very steep and long. It would have been okay had my brakes been working.

The motorcycle did not pick up speed but I did have to use my feet to slow down any potential acceleration. Once I was at the bottom of the hill I turned into what I thought was the Marathon gas station but was really a laundry mat. They called someone but while I was waiting I checked the brake fluid and it was empty. I noticed the Marathon station across the street so I went over there. They filled the brake fluid. A police officer was there and was talking about the dangers of riding a bike. I felt okay because I'm alert and always wear a helmet. Then a white car squeezed between myself and the police car. That was close. I paid for the brake fluid, filled my gas tank and woke up.

During the dream when all this drama was going on, here's the question that kept running through my head: Where was my Mom and did she know this was happening to me?
No, she didn't. If she could have she would have helped me. But in this instance and in some of the situations I was abused, there was nothing she could do.

Our journey through the disease of alcoholism prohibited any type of "normal" response. Awareness, protection and removing us and herself from danger were not options until she found a gas station herself that could give her the help she needed to continue on her journey.

I know you never meant any of what happened to me happen for me. I know that from the bottom of my gut and from your Word. "All things are possible through Him who gives us strength." Healing, sharing hope with others and forgiving those who hurt us. That's Christ. Only Christ.

I still feel burdened today. I still feel like I want to hibernate under my covers. I don't want to answer the phone and I don't want to talk to anybody. I just feel like crying until I can't cry anymore.

Love Amy