A Two Hour Session

Dear God,

A two hour session with Jeff. Jill sat beside me. I talked about past relationships with women. It was tiring remembering all those people - some good, some bad and some in limbo. It was draining when I was done. I started to feel the tears coming. Not believing all I had shared.

It's not over yet. There's more to go. I'm "this far" from being done. The trust/mistrust issues were more clear to Jeff than they ever had been and took him by surprise. At a young age I was emotionally raped by a woman who had her own family and her own agenda. I know it's a hard concept to understand and it was just as hard to hear. But now I know why it's been so hard all these years.

Rape.
The ultimate in betrayal of trust.
Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman.
Doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical, mental or spiritual.
It doesn't matter the age or gender.
It steals innocence.
It leaves behind a victim.
Rape destroys what only God can heal.

So God, please help me through this. You know how badly and how deeply I want to cut. How much I want to slash my arms, shoulders and stomach. Cut until there's so much blood I'd need to take a shower in order to rinse it all off. And even then, the water would only rinse away the external evidence of internal pain. The emotional pain would not actually go away.

Scars. Slash marks. Dried blood. Band-aids. Ointment. Long sleeves. Some physical pain but not really. Sterile precision.

I'm lost right now. I just feel lost.
Love Amy