I am very grateful for my sisters in Jesus. One calls me "Sis" and lives in The Village; One calls me "little sis" and lives in Fox River Grove; Another secretly calls me "Sister" and lives in Naperville; Then there is one named Smokey who lives in Streamwood. Each of these women have been walking with Christ for many years and live out their walks in their daily lives.
No matter how often we talk or the miles between us I know I can count on them when I need an ear to listen to what's floating in my head or struggling between my ears. Sometimes it's a long time between conversations but the love, hugs and prayers we share for one another remain strong. Sometimes we get impatient because of schedules but again the love, hugs and prayers go out for one another. Sometimes distance can seem so far away but an email or a three hour conversation easily reconnects the hearts of sisters who love each other, challenge each other, encourage one another, cheer one another and pray for each other to the God who hears all and sees all in the lives of those we love and cherish.
It's hard when our sister is going through a rough time. That's when we get callouses on our knees from praying for them. When there are tears and their hearts are aching, as best we can, we wrap our arms around them and let them know they are not alone - everything will work out. Best of all, God has placed us there to walk with them and we won't leave them no matter how bad it gets. I remember a time when my Naperville sister sat in a chair brokenhearted before me in tears. I asked if I could give her a hug. Unable to speak she nodded yes. I slowly crawled over to her and wrapped my arms around her, holding her firmly as she rested her head on my shoulder and cried. I continued holding her as I rocked her and rubbed her back telling her everything was going to work out. This lasted for several minutes. When she was able to speak she looked at me and said through tears, "I had no idea how gentle you are." I smiled and said, "It's one of my best kept secrets." She smiled. It was a special moment.
Which one of your sisters needs to know you love them today? Don't let the day end without telling them...then tell them why.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Stay In Step With God
Stay - To support, prop, hold, stop, halt, tarry, linger, sojourn, visit, remain, wait.
In - Surrounded by, within the boundaries of, within the time of, concerning the subject of, as a part of, enclosed, not out of, into the center of, to the midst of, in the direction of, under, near, against, toward, in the act of, during the process of, while occupied with, during, meanwhile.
Step - Pace, stride, gait, tread, rest, run, round, rung, level, footprint, footmark, imprint, impression, trace, mark, in agreement with, coinciding with, similar to, see alike, do something, start, intervene, be careful, take precautions, advance, recede, go forward, climb, rise, improve, intensify, increase.
With - In the midst of, in association, among, along with, in company with, arm in arm, hand in glove, in conjunction with, among other things, beside, alongside of, including.
God - Lord, Jehovah, Yahweh, the Almighty, the King of Kings, the Godhead, the Creator, the Maker, the Supreme Being, the Ruler of Heaven, Our Father in Heaven, Almighty God, God Almighty, the Deity, the Divinity, Providence, the All-knowing, the Infinite Spirit, the First Cause, the Lord of Lords, the Supreme Soul, the All-wise, the All-merciful, the All-powerful, the Trinity, Threefold Unity; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; God the Son, Jesus Christ, Christ, Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, The Nazarene, The Messiah, The Savior, the Redeemer, The Son of God, the Son of Man, The Son of Mary, The Lamb of God, Immanuel, Emmanuel, the King of the Jews, the Prince of Peace, the Good Shepherd, the Way, the Door, the Truth, the Life, the Light, the Christ Child, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God. (The supreme deity of all other religions)
Nicole C. Mullen and Yolanda Adams at the 2007 Sisters In The Spirit on TBN
In - Surrounded by, within the boundaries of, within the time of, concerning the subject of, as a part of, enclosed, not out of, into the center of, to the midst of, in the direction of, under, near, against, toward, in the act of, during the process of, while occupied with, during, meanwhile.
Step - Pace, stride, gait, tread, rest, run, round, rung, level, footprint, footmark, imprint, impression, trace, mark, in agreement with, coinciding with, similar to, see alike, do something, start, intervene, be careful, take precautions, advance, recede, go forward, climb, rise, improve, intensify, increase.
With - In the midst of, in association, among, along with, in company with, arm in arm, hand in glove, in conjunction with, among other things, beside, alongside of, including.
God - Lord, Jehovah, Yahweh, the Almighty, the King of Kings, the Godhead, the Creator, the Maker, the Supreme Being, the Ruler of Heaven, Our Father in Heaven, Almighty God, God Almighty, the Deity, the Divinity, Providence, the All-knowing, the Infinite Spirit, the First Cause, the Lord of Lords, the Supreme Soul, the All-wise, the All-merciful, the All-powerful, the Trinity, Threefold Unity; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; God the Son, Jesus Christ, Christ, Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, The Nazarene, The Messiah, The Savior, the Redeemer, The Son of God, the Son of Man, The Son of Mary, The Lamb of God, Immanuel, Emmanuel, the King of the Jews, the Prince of Peace, the Good Shepherd, the Way, the Door, the Truth, the Life, the Light, the Christ Child, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God. (The supreme deity of all other religions)
Nicole C. Mullen and Yolanda Adams at the 2007 Sisters In The Spirit on TBN
Saturday, September 26, 2009
True Loyalty
Dear God,
What is your plan for today? I'm still quite tired, a decreased appetite, chilled to the bone and a mind that is processing physical ailments. It was great to talk with Carol last night. We were like two giddy school girls who missed each other very much and were able to tell each other so. She's right - after all the work we've done together it's natural we'd become attached in a healthy way. Now it's up to me to do some paperwork and schedule a two hour session so we can catch up and see what you have planned next.
The sound of her voice was soothing. The laughter in her voice was childlike. The excitement in both our voices was probably uncommon for a therapist and a client but we don't care. We know you brought us together and placed a special bond of love and respect between us. One we've learned to accept and honor. What a gift we are to each other.
I could fall asleep right now. Maybe I'll rest. My body seems to need a lot of it. Even as I sit and type, my eyes close and drift away to the safe place on Carol's couch with her reading scripture to me as my eyes are closed and my anxiety slowly fades away...
Thank you for the gift of her faithful and loyal friendship. We know we break some of the rules but we also know you are the author of our relationship. And in that, we put our full trust.
Love Amy
What is your plan for today? I'm still quite tired, a decreased appetite, chilled to the bone and a mind that is processing physical ailments. It was great to talk with Carol last night. We were like two giddy school girls who missed each other very much and were able to tell each other so. She's right - after all the work we've done together it's natural we'd become attached in a healthy way. Now it's up to me to do some paperwork and schedule a two hour session so we can catch up and see what you have planned next.
The sound of her voice was soothing. The laughter in her voice was childlike. The excitement in both our voices was probably uncommon for a therapist and a client but we don't care. We know you brought us together and placed a special bond of love and respect between us. One we've learned to accept and honor. What a gift we are to each other.
I could fall asleep right now. Maybe I'll rest. My body seems to need a lot of it. Even as I sit and type, my eyes close and drift away to the safe place on Carol's couch with her reading scripture to me as my eyes are closed and my anxiety slowly fades away...
Thank you for the gift of her faithful and loyal friendship. We know we break some of the rules but we also know you are the author of our relationship. And in that, we put our full trust.
Love Amy
Thursday, September 24, 2009
When God's People Pray
I was thinking this morning about all the answered prayer God has sent down from Heaven not only to benefit my circumstances but to move in the hearts of those who are walking this path with me through prayer. This is what I have to give to you...my faithful prayer warriors.
Enjoy!
(Lyrics)
WHEN GOD'S PEOPLE PRAY
Deep in the dark of despair
Deep in my heart there's a prayer
That faith will reign over fear
That courage and strength will be mine
My heart is heavy I don't understand
Yet I know my life is in your hands
I realize that I am incapable
Of changing alone the impossible
But I believe in miracles
Together our voices will rise
We are not powerless in the face of fear
As one we will stand and make our voices clear
When God's people pray things will change
When God's people pray all the earth will obey
My faith can't be shaken because I have seen
The amazing, miraculous happens
When God's people pray
Our defense in danger
Our light in the midst of life
Our strength in the weakest moment
Our hope through the night, the night
All things are possible when we let go
Let go of what we can't control
When God's people pray things will change
When God's people pray all the earth will obey
My faith can't be shaken because I have seen
The amazing, miraculous happens
When God's people pray
The peace that we need will only come when we get on our knees
Enjoy!
(Lyrics)
WHEN GOD'S PEOPLE PRAY
Deep in the dark of despair
Deep in my heart there's a prayer
That faith will reign over fear
That courage and strength will be mine
My heart is heavy I don't understand
Yet I know my life is in your hands
I realize that I am incapable
Of changing alone the impossible
But I believe in miracles
Together our voices will rise
We are not powerless in the face of fear
As one we will stand and make our voices clear
When God's people pray things will change
When God's people pray all the earth will obey
My faith can't be shaken because I have seen
The amazing, miraculous happens
When God's people pray
Our defense in danger
Our light in the midst of life
Our strength in the weakest moment
Our hope through the night, the night
All things are possible when we let go
Let go of what we can't control
When God's people pray things will change
When God's people pray all the earth will obey
My faith can't be shaken because I have seen
The amazing, miraculous happens
When God's people pray
The peace that we need will only come when we get on our knees
Monday, September 21, 2009
Psalm 25:4-5
Dear God,
This is the second day I've felt really good. The worship service yesterday had me in tears. So much so I thought I was going to release years of pent up shame, pain, bitterness and resentment all at once. I give you praise for helping me recognize those separate feelings instead of blubbering one big ball of mess.
Then the song....the one I've never heard but resounded in my heart the prayers I've been sharing with you privately the last week. It's found in Psalm 25:4-5:
"Show me the path where I should walk,
O LORD;
point out the right road for me to follow.
Teach me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you."
I cried again knowing you've heard my prayers and will answer them according to your plan and purpose for my life. I have to be patient and not jump the gun at what looks good in front of me at the moment. It's a weakness I've had for a very long time. It often gets me into trouble relationally. I've had enough of that for now.
So Lord? Thank you for supplying the resources to purchase the DVD. I will spend more time watching it for two reasons: The worship, as a reminder that you hear my every prayer and are in the process of setting up the right church, position and time commitment where I can use my gifts and two, for the reminder that my sexuality is a gift from you.
I love you, Father. My eyes are fixed on yours. What beautiful eyes you have. I wish I could look at them all the days of my life.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Here's the worship song. Click on the box in the lower right that looks like a flag. It will expand the video to a full screen view so you can see what Aaron is drawing. Press your escape key at the end to return to the blog:
This is the second day I've felt really good. The worship service yesterday had me in tears. So much so I thought I was going to release years of pent up shame, pain, bitterness and resentment all at once. I give you praise for helping me recognize those separate feelings instead of blubbering one big ball of mess.
Then the song....the one I've never heard but resounded in my heart the prayers I've been sharing with you privately the last week. It's found in Psalm 25:4-5:
"Show me the path where I should walk,
O LORD;
point out the right road for me to follow.
Teach me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you."
I cried again knowing you've heard my prayers and will answer them according to your plan and purpose for my life. I have to be patient and not jump the gun at what looks good in front of me at the moment. It's a weakness I've had for a very long time. It often gets me into trouble relationally. I've had enough of that for now.
So Lord? Thank you for supplying the resources to purchase the DVD. I will spend more time watching it for two reasons: The worship, as a reminder that you hear my every prayer and are in the process of setting up the right church, position and time commitment where I can use my gifts and two, for the reminder that my sexuality is a gift from you.
I love you, Father. My eyes are fixed on yours. What beautiful eyes you have. I wish I could look at them all the days of my life.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Here's the worship song. Click on the box in the lower right that looks like a flag. It will expand the video to a full screen view so you can see what Aaron is drawing. Press your escape key at the end to return to the blog:
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Justice
Our pastor preached on sexuality today. How do these two subjects go together when he never talked about abuse issues? I believe God covered it in Isaiah 61:
"Good News for the Oppressed"
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.
5 Foreigners will be your servants.
They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
and tend your vineyards.
6 You will be called priests of the Lord,
ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
and boast in their riches.
7 Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the Lord, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be recognized
and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
the Lord has blessed.”
10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
11 The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.
AMEN!!
"Good News for the Oppressed"
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.
5 Foreigners will be your servants.
They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
and tend your vineyards.
6 You will be called priests of the Lord,
ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
and boast in their riches.
7 Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the Lord, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be recognized
and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
the Lord has blessed.”
10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
11 The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.
AMEN!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Home
Dear God,
I am tired, out of energy, drained, pain comes and goes, worn out, torn up, and want to sleep the day away.
I dream of coming home to my mansion where it will be filled with the voices of angels, the sound of peaceful streams of running water, the coolness of a fall breeze and dim sunlight that won't cause a headache. Wait...there won't be headaches in heaven! No phones, no conflict, no crap.
My work here is not done. I'd miss my family and I know they'd be brokenhearted if I weren't here. So I'll go take a nap. The heavenly peace will have to wait.
Love Amy
P.S. Even the cats are sleeping.
Here's a good one of my cat Mr. Fluffy:
I am tired, out of energy, drained, pain comes and goes, worn out, torn up, and want to sleep the day away.
I dream of coming home to my mansion where it will be filled with the voices of angels, the sound of peaceful streams of running water, the coolness of a fall breeze and dim sunlight that won't cause a headache. Wait...there won't be headaches in heaven! No phones, no conflict, no crap.
My work here is not done. I'd miss my family and I know they'd be brokenhearted if I weren't here. So I'll go take a nap. The heavenly peace will have to wait.
Love Amy
P.S. Even the cats are sleeping.
Here's a good one of my cat Mr. Fluffy:
Thursday, September 17, 2009
When Do I Get To Speak?
Dear God,
When do I get to speak? When do I get to have a voice in all I've been through these past three years? When do I get to shout from the roof tops that I had several mental break downs, breakthroughs, friendships gained and friendships lost? When do I get to grieve and face the loss of people I loved for so many years, built into and now don't return emails? What do I do with those hurts, those tears and those sorrows?
When do I get to address mental illness, it's effect on all aspects of my life least of all relationships I wasn't able to maintain without their help and the inability to get to church. When do I get to express the distance I feel from many in the Christian community who need to be educated or who really could give a crap about this kind of thing? When do I get to pour out my rage against those who speak badly against me for having this mental disease over which I have no control other than taking my daily meds, staying in therapy twice a week, seeing my psychiatrist monthly and getting out of bed or resting, depending on what my body and mind need?
When do I get to serve my Savior again? How and with who? At South Barrington? At McHenry County? Is it still with Long Grove? I have a bouncing ball in my head that is directed toward prayer in this area but still it bounces from place to place. The only consistent place it seems to land is intercessory prayer. Pleading on behalf of those who need a touch from God to set their spirit free however that freedom may come. Maybe sharing my story and compassion for what they are going through. Holding their hand and lifting their heart toward God.
I need a voice. Not an audience. I need to find my voice. And then, I need to shout to whoever will listen. I need to shout to the throne of Grace. Like Joyce Meyer says, "It's me again, Lord."
Love Amy
When do I get to speak? When do I get to have a voice in all I've been through these past three years? When do I get to shout from the roof tops that I had several mental break downs, breakthroughs, friendships gained and friendships lost? When do I get to grieve and face the loss of people I loved for so many years, built into and now don't return emails? What do I do with those hurts, those tears and those sorrows?
When do I get to address mental illness, it's effect on all aspects of my life least of all relationships I wasn't able to maintain without their help and the inability to get to church. When do I get to express the distance I feel from many in the Christian community who need to be educated or who really could give a crap about this kind of thing? When do I get to pour out my rage against those who speak badly against me for having this mental disease over which I have no control other than taking my daily meds, staying in therapy twice a week, seeing my psychiatrist monthly and getting out of bed or resting, depending on what my body and mind need?
When do I get to serve my Savior again? How and with who? At South Barrington? At McHenry County? Is it still with Long Grove? I have a bouncing ball in my head that is directed toward prayer in this area but still it bounces from place to place. The only consistent place it seems to land is intercessory prayer. Pleading on behalf of those who need a touch from God to set their spirit free however that freedom may come. Maybe sharing my story and compassion for what they are going through. Holding their hand and lifting their heart toward God.
I need a voice. Not an audience. I need to find my voice. And then, I need to shout to whoever will listen. I need to shout to the throne of Grace. Like Joyce Meyer says, "It's me again, Lord."
Love Amy
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
What Is A Friend?
Dear God,
What is a friend? I know what I'd like my friend to be:
A woman who sees value in herself and others, including me.
Someone who is balanced in her emotions.
A woman who knows God approves of her successes as well as her faults.
Someone who is able to laugh and able to cry.
A woman who is has a strong presence and gentle arms to hold me when I cry.
Someone who is afraid and has courage to admit it then moves on.
A woman who takes my hand and leads me out of places she's already climbed out of.
Someone who prays to you, studies your Word and remembers to pray for me.
A woman who can receive from me what I have to give at that moment.
Someone who is secure in their relationship with you.
A woman who can say, "No" in a way that is sensitive, not hurtful.
Someone who tries to understand why I do what I do during mental breakdowns.
A woman who is strong enough to not leave me when I am at my weakest point.
Someone who understands my love languages of touch and time with boundaries.
A woman who has little girls inside and we discover and value them together.
Someone who when she hurts me, listens with her ears and not her mouth.
A woman who does not make excuses but can honestly say, "I'm sorry."
Someone who when she does need to leave my life, has a discussion in person - not through email.
Is there such a person? Probably not in any one person but I bet if I look hard enough I'll find a lot of these qualities in the safe people in my life today.
Love Amy
What is a friend? I know what I'd like my friend to be:
A woman who sees value in herself and others, including me.
Someone who is balanced in her emotions.
A woman who knows God approves of her successes as well as her faults.
Someone who is able to laugh and able to cry.
A woman who is has a strong presence and gentle arms to hold me when I cry.
Someone who is afraid and has courage to admit it then moves on.
A woman who takes my hand and leads me out of places she's already climbed out of.
Someone who prays to you, studies your Word and remembers to pray for me.
A woman who can receive from me what I have to give at that moment.
Someone who is secure in their relationship with you.
A woman who can say, "No" in a way that is sensitive, not hurtful.
Someone who tries to understand why I do what I do during mental breakdowns.
A woman who is strong enough to not leave me when I am at my weakest point.
Someone who understands my love languages of touch and time with boundaries.
A woman who has little girls inside and we discover and value them together.
Someone who when she hurts me, listens with her ears and not her mouth.
A woman who does not make excuses but can honestly say, "I'm sorry."
Someone who when she does need to leave my life, has a discussion in person - not through email.
Is there such a person? Probably not in any one person but I bet if I look hard enough I'll find a lot of these qualities in the safe people in my life today.
Love Amy
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Pray for the Person
Yikes.....
Dear Heavenly Father,
As you bring Stephanie, her therapist and her posse to mind, please help me to pray for them as your Holy Spirit leads me. I still hold a lot of anger and hurt against all of them. I can easily be lead down the road of resentment. Ah, the resentment prayer from AA. Let's start there, just for today:
Page 67, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: "We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick woman. How can I be helpful to her? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
TouchPoint Bible definition of Resentment: "Part envy, part spite, part bitterness, resentment is a slow-burning anger that consumes the soul. The experience of pain due to real or perceived injustices is common to all of us but resentment is clinging to and feeding those hurts until they dominate our life. The Bible indicates that the cure for resentment is the confession of bitterness and a willingness, with God's help, to forgive the offender."
1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cease us from every wrong."
Prayer often begins with a confession of sin.
Thank you Lord, for hearing my heart when words fail me. I know what I need to do. Please provide an accountability partner so I may repeat the words of the leper, "Thank you Jesus for making me clean."
Love Amy
Dear Heavenly Father,
As you bring Stephanie, her therapist and her posse to mind, please help me to pray for them as your Holy Spirit leads me. I still hold a lot of anger and hurt against all of them. I can easily be lead down the road of resentment. Ah, the resentment prayer from AA. Let's start there, just for today:
Page 67, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: "We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick woman. How can I be helpful to her? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
TouchPoint Bible definition of Resentment: "Part envy, part spite, part bitterness, resentment is a slow-burning anger that consumes the soul. The experience of pain due to real or perceived injustices is common to all of us but resentment is clinging to and feeding those hurts until they dominate our life. The Bible indicates that the cure for resentment is the confession of bitterness and a willingness, with God's help, to forgive the offender."
1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cease us from every wrong."
Prayer often begins with a confession of sin.
Thank you Lord, for hearing my heart when words fail me. I know what I need to do. Please provide an accountability partner so I may repeat the words of the leper, "Thank you Jesus for making me clean."
Love Amy
Monday, September 7, 2009
Ask God to Heal You Emotionally
Dear Heavenly Father,
For a few months now I've been dreaming about trains. Being on one that goes up and down hills like a roller coaster; being unaware of how a complicated track works - where do cars go, when do they cross, how the signals work, etc; then last night was an above double decker set of tracks where I had no idea how to get my car across, came close to being smashed by an on coming train but followed a car up five steps to get out. It was messy, disorienting and confusing.
It all feels similar to the emotional healing that's taking place. Sometimes I'm on the train, other times I'm on my feet trying to cross the tracks. Sometimes I'm in my car trying to cross the tracks, other times I almost get killed. So the related feelings would be:
Safe
Confident or Taking a Risk
Challenged
Full of Fear but I am able to get to the other side
There are probably more emotional labels but Jeff can help with those later if need be. I've been praying for emotional healing since I can remember. I believe you have been answering that prayer at a steady pace though at times I've ditched the entire process. Those were the times I saw the on coming train and felt tied to the tracks, unable to move. It was then that I lept off the path of healing.
I know this exercise wants me to pray for Stephanie everyday but I believe that is unhealthy. I'm moving on now.
Now I need your help to stop cutting and to follow through on the doctors you have put before me. All of them. No matter what the diagnosis, I am to accept it. All of it. My mom is right. Jesus is my life preserver and without Him, I would have succeeded with one of the attempted suicides. Thank you for saving me.
Love Amy
For a few months now I've been dreaming about trains. Being on one that goes up and down hills like a roller coaster; being unaware of how a complicated track works - where do cars go, when do they cross, how the signals work, etc; then last night was an above double decker set of tracks where I had no idea how to get my car across, came close to being smashed by an on coming train but followed a car up five steps to get out. It was messy, disorienting and confusing.
It all feels similar to the emotional healing that's taking place. Sometimes I'm on the train, other times I'm on my feet trying to cross the tracks. Sometimes I'm in my car trying to cross the tracks, other times I almost get killed. So the related feelings would be:
Safe
Confident or Taking a Risk
Challenged
Full of Fear but I am able to get to the other side
There are probably more emotional labels but Jeff can help with those later if need be. I've been praying for emotional healing since I can remember. I believe you have been answering that prayer at a steady pace though at times I've ditched the entire process. Those were the times I saw the on coming train and felt tied to the tracks, unable to move. It was then that I lept off the path of healing.
I know this exercise wants me to pray for Stephanie everyday but I believe that is unhealthy. I'm moving on now.
Now I need your help to stop cutting and to follow through on the doctors you have put before me. All of them. No matter what the diagnosis, I am to accept it. All of it. My mom is right. Jesus is my life preserver and without Him, I would have succeeded with one of the attempted suicides. Thank you for saving me.
Love Amy
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Forgive the Person
Dear God,
I feel I am to forgive three people: Stephanie, Bonnie and myself.
I forgive Stephanie for the way she has chosen to handle this situation and how she has treated me. It has been very hurtful. Consequently, it has ended a future for this friendship. I ask you to bring her comfort and peace as she works through this and related issues so she can live a life that is free from the daily pain of her past and begin to enjoy the gifts you give her everyday. Help her to see herself as a special creation, as we all are, with specific gifts designed to build your kingdom so others can receive the joy and freedom Christ offers through substitutionary atonement. Help her to feel needed but not needy; to feel loved but not dependent on others love; to feel confident in her skills because you wired her up that way and have people affirm those in her; and then Lord, help her to soar with wings like eagles and run with the deer in the meadows.
I forgive all those people who gave her counsel having never spoken with me. They'll have to confess their sins to you themselves, Lord, but I do forgive them.
This is a hard one because it has been hard to know what to do. I've had a sharp pain in my heart where Bonnie is concerned. I think it has to do with my own hurt and perhaps holding onto a resentment though she has been truthful each time I've asked her hard questions. I made a big mistake, Lord. I thought since Bonnie now had a small group, her kids were getting married and she now had grandchildren she no longer wanted me as her best friend. Especially since I've had so many physical and mental problems. I decided for her to stay away so I wouldn't hear those words, "I have to schedule time for you and I don't want my kids around you because your medication doesn't make you look or act right. I can't have them around you" which was already said one time when we met before work. That was heartbreaking to hear and I was unable to process it, trying to make sense of it. So, I stayed away.
I love her and I miss her. I made a huge mistake by ever thinking Stephanie was my best friend. I think it was because she accepted my illness as I was each day and didn't reject me being around Jaimie until the end when she called me mentally unstable.
So Lord? Because of your forgiveness of me, I forgive Stephanie for her lack of maturity and I forgive myself. Please help me to let go of Stephanie. I put her life in the palm of your hand.
Love Amy
I feel I am to forgive three people: Stephanie, Bonnie and myself.
I forgive Stephanie for the way she has chosen to handle this situation and how she has treated me. It has been very hurtful. Consequently, it has ended a future for this friendship. I ask you to bring her comfort and peace as she works through this and related issues so she can live a life that is free from the daily pain of her past and begin to enjoy the gifts you give her everyday. Help her to see herself as a special creation, as we all are, with specific gifts designed to build your kingdom so others can receive the joy and freedom Christ offers through substitutionary atonement. Help her to feel needed but not needy; to feel loved but not dependent on others love; to feel confident in her skills because you wired her up that way and have people affirm those in her; and then Lord, help her to soar with wings like eagles and run with the deer in the meadows.
I forgive all those people who gave her counsel having never spoken with me. They'll have to confess their sins to you themselves, Lord, but I do forgive them.
This is a hard one because it has been hard to know what to do. I've had a sharp pain in my heart where Bonnie is concerned. I think it has to do with my own hurt and perhaps holding onto a resentment though she has been truthful each time I've asked her hard questions. I made a big mistake, Lord. I thought since Bonnie now had a small group, her kids were getting married and she now had grandchildren she no longer wanted me as her best friend. Especially since I've had so many physical and mental problems. I decided for her to stay away so I wouldn't hear those words, "I have to schedule time for you and I don't want my kids around you because your medication doesn't make you look or act right. I can't have them around you" which was already said one time when we met before work. That was heartbreaking to hear and I was unable to process it, trying to make sense of it. So, I stayed away.
I love her and I miss her. I made a huge mistake by ever thinking Stephanie was my best friend. I think it was because she accepted my illness as I was each day and didn't reject me being around Jaimie until the end when she called me mentally unstable.
So Lord? Because of your forgiveness of me, I forgive Stephanie for her lack of maturity and I forgive myself. Please help me to let go of Stephanie. I put her life in the palm of your hand.
Love Amy
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Confess to God any Sin
Dear God,
When you gave me a high IQ I wonder why I wasn't given the gift of mercy or patience for other people's "less than." I feel superior most of the time because I can figure things out in a logical structured way that works 99% of the time. But the people you surround me with are the opposite. They are simple folk, simple thinkers, sometimes they're embarrassed because I'm so smart and they compare themselves to me. I try to dumb down but it's so very hard because I like being smart.
But then there are times it hurts people. Sometimes, the absolute truth doesn't need to be told or at least not by me. I begin to resent them because they don't appreciate my gift. In fact, they make fun of it so I become bitter and use my gift to outwit their stupidity. Then I am superior once again and they can't touch me because I've smartly built an impenetrable wall around me. And then I cannot be defeated or found.
People the below applies to: Stephanie, Robin, Sheryl, Catherine, Jane, Gaye, Anita
I resent people who use others to make their decisions for them.
I resent people who lie about their use of alcohol and pot.
I am bitter toward people who make others beg for forgiveness in order to have their friendship reestablished.
I am bitter toward those who have pets and don't take proper care of them.
I resent people who complain all the time.
I resent people who can't make up their minds whether to stay or whether to go.
I am bitter toward people who use you for your things.
I am bitter toward people who verbally abuse their teenage daughter.
I resent people who form an opinion of someone they've never met.
I resent people who form an opinion based on one side of the story.
I resent people who judge others outright based on their mental stability.
I resent people who judge others when doctors are in charge of that person.
I pity people who think they know better than the person who is experiencing the trauma.
I pity people who have to lie and deceive in order to get their way.
I confess I am not perfect. I confess I am guilty of some of the above. I ask for the forgiveness of Jesus Christ who died on the cross to wipe away my sinful behavior and in that blood has washed me white as snow.
Please help me release these feelings Lord so I can one day look at Stephanie and not want to puke but meet her eyes, say hello and keep on walking in your freedom. And may she one day be set free from her confessions as well. I pray the best for her even though she hurt me deeply and scarred my heart.
Love Amy
Lyrics:
"THERE WILL COME A DAY"
It's not easy trying to understand
How the world can be so cold, stealing the souls of man
Cloudy skies rain down on all your dreams
You wrestle with the fear and doubt
Sometimes it's hard but you gotta believe
Chorus:
There's a better place, where our Father waits
And every tear He'll wipe away
The darkness will be gone, the weak shall be strong
Hold on to your faith
There will come a day
There will come a day
There will come a day
Wars are raging, lives are scattered
Innocence is lost, and hopes are shattered
The old are forgotten, the children are forsaken
In this world we're living in
Is there anything sacred?
(Chorus)
The song will ring out, down those golden streets
The voices of earth with the angels will sing (hallelujah)
Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace
Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace
There will come a day, there will come a day (2x)
Oooh there will come a day
Oooh there will come a day
I know there's coming a day, coming a day
When you gave me a high IQ I wonder why I wasn't given the gift of mercy or patience for other people's "less than." I feel superior most of the time because I can figure things out in a logical structured way that works 99% of the time. But the people you surround me with are the opposite. They are simple folk, simple thinkers, sometimes they're embarrassed because I'm so smart and they compare themselves to me. I try to dumb down but it's so very hard because I like being smart.
But then there are times it hurts people. Sometimes, the absolute truth doesn't need to be told or at least not by me. I begin to resent them because they don't appreciate my gift. In fact, they make fun of it so I become bitter and use my gift to outwit their stupidity. Then I am superior once again and they can't touch me because I've smartly built an impenetrable wall around me. And then I cannot be defeated or found.
People the below applies to: Stephanie, Robin, Sheryl, Catherine, Jane, Gaye, Anita
I resent people who use others to make their decisions for them.
I resent people who lie about their use of alcohol and pot.
I am bitter toward people who make others beg for forgiveness in order to have their friendship reestablished.
I am bitter toward those who have pets and don't take proper care of them.
I resent people who complain all the time.
I resent people who can't make up their minds whether to stay or whether to go.
I am bitter toward people who use you for your things.
I am bitter toward people who verbally abuse their teenage daughter.
I resent people who form an opinion of someone they've never met.
I resent people who form an opinion based on one side of the story.
I resent people who judge others outright based on their mental stability.
I resent people who judge others when doctors are in charge of that person.
I pity people who think they know better than the person who is experiencing the trauma.
I pity people who have to lie and deceive in order to get their way.
I confess I am not perfect. I confess I am guilty of some of the above. I ask for the forgiveness of Jesus Christ who died on the cross to wipe away my sinful behavior and in that blood has washed me white as snow.
Please help me release these feelings Lord so I can one day look at Stephanie and not want to puke but meet her eyes, say hello and keep on walking in your freedom. And may she one day be set free from her confessions as well. I pray the best for her even though she hurt me deeply and scarred my heart.
Love Amy
Lyrics:
"THERE WILL COME A DAY"
It's not easy trying to understand
How the world can be so cold, stealing the souls of man
Cloudy skies rain down on all your dreams
You wrestle with the fear and doubt
Sometimes it's hard but you gotta believe
Chorus:
There's a better place, where our Father waits
And every tear He'll wipe away
The darkness will be gone, the weak shall be strong
Hold on to your faith
There will come a day
There will come a day
There will come a day
Wars are raging, lives are scattered
Innocence is lost, and hopes are shattered
The old are forgotten, the children are forsaken
In this world we're living in
Is there anything sacred?
(Chorus)
The song will ring out, down those golden streets
The voices of earth with the angels will sing (hallelujah)
Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace
Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace
There will come a day, there will come a day (2x)
Oooh there will come a day
Oooh there will come a day
I know there's coming a day, coming a day
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Ask for God's Perspective
"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Eph. 4:32
Dear God,
What is your perspective on my behaviors/actions/reactions, Stephanie's behaviors/actions/reactions and our situation? Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.....
My dearest Amy,
Both of you are lost and caught up in a whirlwind of being right instead of helping one another. You've spent the last month fighting over who's perspective is right, who made the choices, who's responsibility is it to do so and so and look what happened? Your friendship stretched like a rubber band and snapped.
I understand and have compassion for both of your behavior. Neither one of you have been medicated properly for your depression so neither one of you have any business making major decisions especially when it comes to your friendship. And who brought you together? I DID!!! I'm so upset with both of you that I could knock your heads together. And what's this non-sense about who's giving permission for the two of you to talk to one another?? TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!!!! Christ died on the cross so there didn't have to be a mediary. It hurts me to see both of you in so much pain especially because both of you created it yourself. Now, are you going to fix it? That's a choice both of you have to make together.
Honestly Amy, I don't know if the situation is mendable. I know you have trust issues and I know my dear Stephanie does, too. I know you both scare each other with how much you love each other and think it's unnatural. It's not. You are meant to love and be loved. You are meant to share your lives. Not in an unnatural way but as friends who have been dealt terrible hurtful childhoods. You can help little Stephie to feel safe, to be hugged when she's scared and to come out and play. Stephanie can comfort little Amy when she's shaking from being beaten so much and remembers all the bruises all over her little body.
But Amy, both of you have to be willing to forgive one another and go one step beyond that. You have to let each other go and not cling to one another but cling to Me instead. Branch out to the people I've put into your lives. I know it's hard but you'll be so much healthier.
My perspective is this: Take some time away from each other. Heal yourselves, heal your hurts then come back to one another and talk. You have to talk, not run. You have to listen to one another, not other people. You have to pray to Me, not depend on other people's advice.
Amy, I want you to keep your love for Stephanie fresh in your heart and work through your hurt and anger. You never know what's going to happen. Someday, you might need her or she might need you. Both of you need to be ready for each other.
Love God
Lord, please give me the courage of conviction to digest the truth you have spoken to my heart, soul and mind. If Stephanie is doing this exercise, please give her insight so she can experience the raw honesty you have planned for her growth. I love her and want her to grow too, Lord.
Love Amy
Dear God,
What is your perspective on my behaviors/actions/reactions, Stephanie's behaviors/actions/reactions and our situation? Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.....
My dearest Amy,
Both of you are lost and caught up in a whirlwind of being right instead of helping one another. You've spent the last month fighting over who's perspective is right, who made the choices, who's responsibility is it to do so and so and look what happened? Your friendship stretched like a rubber band and snapped.
I understand and have compassion for both of your behavior. Neither one of you have been medicated properly for your depression so neither one of you have any business making major decisions especially when it comes to your friendship. And who brought you together? I DID!!! I'm so upset with both of you that I could knock your heads together. And what's this non-sense about who's giving permission for the two of you to talk to one another?? TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!!!! Christ died on the cross so there didn't have to be a mediary. It hurts me to see both of you in so much pain especially because both of you created it yourself. Now, are you going to fix it? That's a choice both of you have to make together.
Honestly Amy, I don't know if the situation is mendable. I know you have trust issues and I know my dear Stephanie does, too. I know you both scare each other with how much you love each other and think it's unnatural. It's not. You are meant to love and be loved. You are meant to share your lives. Not in an unnatural way but as friends who have been dealt terrible hurtful childhoods. You can help little Stephie to feel safe, to be hugged when she's scared and to come out and play. Stephanie can comfort little Amy when she's shaking from being beaten so much and remembers all the bruises all over her little body.
But Amy, both of you have to be willing to forgive one another and go one step beyond that. You have to let each other go and not cling to one another but cling to Me instead. Branch out to the people I've put into your lives. I know it's hard but you'll be so much healthier.
My perspective is this: Take some time away from each other. Heal yourselves, heal your hurts then come back to one another and talk. You have to talk, not run. You have to listen to one another, not other people. You have to pray to Me, not depend on other people's advice.
Amy, I want you to keep your love for Stephanie fresh in your heart and work through your hurt and anger. You never know what's going to happen. Someday, you might need her or she might need you. Both of you need to be ready for each other.
Love God
Lord, please give me the courage of conviction to digest the truth you have spoken to my heart, soul and mind. If Stephanie is doing this exercise, please give her insight so she can experience the raw honesty you have planned for her growth. I love her and want her to grow too, Lord.
Love Amy
Admit Your Emotions - Anger
Dear God,
These are my feelings about Stephanie.
I feel betrayed, used, taken advantage of, deceived, mislead, swindled, fooled, robbed, defrauded, lead astray, made a sucker, taken for a ride, ensnared, lured, baited, defrauded, sucked in, conned, cheated, lied to, lied about, yanked, jerked, thrown away, trashed, ganged up on, turned against, she tried to turn my family against me but they didn't budge, false friendship, deceitful love,
I feel she was ungrateful because she did not say thank you for the use of my vehicle for 6+ months when I paid for 95% of the expenses.
I feel betrayed because I apologized for ending the friendship and thought we were starting over (So, Sheryl's not in town right now).
I feel used for meals and other things I provided. She didn't thank me.
I feel taken advantage, deceived, mislead, swindled, fooled, robbed, defrauded, lead astray, made a sucker, taken for a ride, ensnared, lured, baited, defrauded, sucked in, conned, cheated, for the above.
I feel lied to because she said we were friends again yet said I ended it (which I did have to later after she had to fully walk away)
I feel lied about because she said she called the police about arresting me for endangering people when I drove. The police had no record of any such call.
I feel yanked, jerked, thrown away, trashed, ganged up on, and turned against by her "all knowing therapists and friends" who know nothing about me except what she tells them or chooses to show them in an email which can be easily edited.
She tried to turn my family against me but they didn't budge. My family is tight and they will always stick up for me.
She gave a false friendship.
She practices deceitful love, one I will never expose myself or my family to again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm grieving for myself because I ignored all the warning signs when I was sick, wanting to believe the best in her when she was taking care of me but the best wasn't really there. Please forgive me God. I want to learn and grow from this experience. I need your grace, your forgiveness, your eyes and your light to shine upon thee. It's at your throne of mercy I bow down and ask for these things.
Thank you for Jo, Laurie, Bonnie, Anne, Annie, Donald, Aunt Mimi, Debra, Marsha, Nancy, Soni, Debbie, Pam, Mom, Tina and Tracy and my Al-Anon group - godly women who know me and have prayed for me throughout this entire process and in years past. Women who know my integrity, my character and even if they don't understand all of what's going on, still send me a note from time to time. These women I love with Christ's love. I ask you to bless, protect, encourage and grow them in their spiritual gifts and in their personal walks with you. Help me to remember these are my friends and I can reach out to them. I'm not alone though at times I feel lonely. Help me to send emails and direct me to whom they should go.
And Lord? Please heal Stephanie's hurts, heal her destructive habits, and help she and her therapist identify her hangups so she can have a life that is no longer bondage of self but filled with freedom in you. I do still love her because of you so keep her close to you, okay?
Love Amy
These are my feelings about Stephanie.
I feel betrayed, used, taken advantage of, deceived, mislead, swindled, fooled, robbed, defrauded, lead astray, made a sucker, taken for a ride, ensnared, lured, baited, defrauded, sucked in, conned, cheated, lied to, lied about, yanked, jerked, thrown away, trashed, ganged up on, turned against, she tried to turn my family against me but they didn't budge, false friendship, deceitful love,
I feel she was ungrateful because she did not say thank you for the use of my vehicle for 6+ months when I paid for 95% of the expenses.
I feel betrayed because I apologized for ending the friendship and thought we were starting over (So, Sheryl's not in town right now).
I feel used for meals and other things I provided. She didn't thank me.
I feel taken advantage, deceived, mislead, swindled, fooled, robbed, defrauded, lead astray, made a sucker, taken for a ride, ensnared, lured, baited, defrauded, sucked in, conned, cheated, for the above.
I feel lied to because she said we were friends again yet said I ended it (which I did have to later after she had to fully walk away)
I feel lied about because she said she called the police about arresting me for endangering people when I drove. The police had no record of any such call.
I feel yanked, jerked, thrown away, trashed, ganged up on, and turned against by her "all knowing therapists and friends" who know nothing about me except what she tells them or chooses to show them in an email which can be easily edited.
She tried to turn my family against me but they didn't budge. My family is tight and they will always stick up for me.
She gave a false friendship.
She practices deceitful love, one I will never expose myself or my family to again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm grieving for myself because I ignored all the warning signs when I was sick, wanting to believe the best in her when she was taking care of me but the best wasn't really there. Please forgive me God. I want to learn and grow from this experience. I need your grace, your forgiveness, your eyes and your light to shine upon thee. It's at your throne of mercy I bow down and ask for these things.
Thank you for Jo, Laurie, Bonnie, Anne, Annie, Donald, Aunt Mimi, Debra, Marsha, Nancy, Soni, Debbie, Pam, Mom, Tina and Tracy and my Al-Anon group - godly women who know me and have prayed for me throughout this entire process and in years past. Women who know my integrity, my character and even if they don't understand all of what's going on, still send me a note from time to time. These women I love with Christ's love. I ask you to bless, protect, encourage and grow them in their spiritual gifts and in their personal walks with you. Help me to remember these are my friends and I can reach out to them. I'm not alone though at times I feel lonely. Help me to send emails and direct me to whom they should go.
And Lord? Please heal Stephanie's hurts, heal her destructive habits, and help she and her therapist identify her hangups so she can have a life that is no longer bondage of self but filled with freedom in you. I do still love her because of you so keep her close to you, okay?
Love Amy
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