Can't Get Into Your Blog

Dear Family and Friends,

I turned my blog off for a few days so I could get out of my head what's been causing me to cut so much. It was for my protection.

On Tuesday the 25th I met with my psychiatrist. We discussed changing all but one of my meds. I've been suicidal, hanging on until I could see her. I'm taking the meds I had been taking before my insurance ran out when everything had to be changed. It sent me into a state of oblivion (no joke here) where getting through the day became more difficult.

I chose not to hospitalize myself. I wasn't going to argue with a psych who didn't know the plan we had ready to go. Bad decision? Maybe but I think it was the best decision at the time.

All that to say I'm transitioning off the bad meds and onto the good ones. I feel more confident walking forward having survived what I survived.

No drama.
Life in life's terms.

Thanks-
Amy

Father's Day

The Past:
Family
Affected
Through
His
Excruciating
Rage and
Sarcasm

Diseased
Alcoholic
Yelling




The Present:
Farewell
Argumentative
Temper
Hatred
Evil
Rampage
Seducer

Destroyer
Admonishing
Youth-abuser

It's Not Over

What do I see?

Tears
Pain
Relief
Blood
Progression
Crosses
Heart Hurts
Under Stomach Hurts
Split Down the Middle
Deadened
Knife Dripping With Unresolved Pain
Cut in Half
Nowhere To Hide
Cover It All Up
Shoulders Are Overburdened
Hands Grabbing
Anchored In Self
No Chains
No Bondage
Cut Some More....

Good Thinking

I did not cut today but here's what I drew out to do to myself.

I gave a friend permission to call a friend of hers who is a therapist or the police if she ever felt I was in danger. That was hours before this happened.

I was at her house having another fight with an anxiety attack. She drove me home. I tried to go to sleep. Yeah, like that's gonna all of a sudden work.

Got up and planned on doing more cutting, adding to the existing artwork on my body. Pulled up the file from the other day. Using the paint feature, I added the red lines to the already existing ones, trying to get a feel of what to do next.

Then I heard loud pounding. Thought it was the cats racing up and down the cat tree. But then someone was turning the door knob and bright lights were shining into my house. Great, the police were here. She had called them to see how I was doing. My other friend was here, too.

The police talked to me for quite a bit. I showed them the cutting I'd done the week before, my therapist I see twice weekly and the appt I have on Tuesday with my psychiatrist who is already going to change my meds. I explained what happened last Thursday with the double seizures and PTSD/panic attacks. I didn't mention anything about the drawings nor about anything else that could compromise my control in the situation.

1. Good thing I didn't cut.
2. They agreed my anxiety couldn't be handled by the ER.
3. They suggested I stay with my friend.

After much discussion about the hospital, I put on my shoes, grabbed my clothes and spent the night at her house.

I didn't cut, I didn't get committed for the up-teenth time and now it's only three days until my meds get adjusted.

I feel I've lost a friend, I'm grieving that loss but I'm trying to move on. In the meantime, I have to do what I can to cope. And for some reason, chocolate isn't working, drinking isn't working but cutting is working. It's getting the pain out.

I Believe

Dear God,

I believe you have a plan and purpose for all the events that have shaped who I am.

I believe you will fully restore me for your glory so others can be encouraged as they walk the same difficult paths I've walked for the last 28 years.

I believe you do not waste pain. You provide the right people at the right time for the right purpose.

I believe when three cords are intertwined they cannot be broken.

I believe you are the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament.

I believe you are strong, steadfast and true to your word.

I believe you are healing only what you can heal as long as I have my hands open and my arms outstretched toward you.

I believe you will mend brokenness, comfort grieving and bring a new day when all tears shall be wiped away.

I believe you are for me, not against me.

I believe you love me with an everlasting love.

I believe you were with me while the sexual abuse was happening. I believe you cried for me when I could not utter a sound.

I believe you are a righteous judge and my Dad has stood before you (as other perpetrators have) and been confronted with the sin they committed against an innocent little girl.

I believe you are the great forgiver of my sin and of all sin, no matter how bad or how ugly.

I believe when my Dad asked Christ to forgive him for his sin at age 12, Christ received him into his family where my Dad now rests.

I believe the pain in my heart will always be with me.

I believe you will be with me, too.

Love Amy

This song was chosen because there are those who don't know God and need to. Just like Jesus didn't hang out with those who didn't need a doctor, we need to reach out to those who are lost in and of this world.

Lost, Not Found

Dear God,

Lost in the pain of losing a friend. Lost in the inability to sleep. Lost in deep sorrow over many things. Lost in my relationship with you.

Nowhere to be found. Gone in my mind. Departed from reality. Driving far away where no one can ever find me.

Restless thoughts. Restless motions. Restless racing. Restless images.

No peace. No slumber. No escape.

Prisoner of internal war.

Love Amy

DEAD-A Few Days Later

Dear God,

Brokenness manifests itself in many forms. Like other people with a similar background, manifestation is inward pain shown on the outside of our bodies. Either through cutting, over eating, starvation, alcoholism or pornography. Those are just a few of mine.

I want to believe what your Word says but honestly I've lost my footing. I've slipped - now I know what that means after 28 years in 12 step groups. The Al-Anon meeting last night was refreshing. Being amongst a healthy group of strong recovery helped me feel stronger, like I can take charge and submit what needs fixing to you and to Jeff. I know I have to let Jill go. That pains my heart but if it's necessary for both our growth, with a breath of kindness, I place us in your hands.

Steps I learned at Good Shepherd in April:

1. Admit you need help
2. Find safe groups and people
3. Talk about your hurts, stumbling blocks and destructive thoughts or habits
4. Practice positive new behaviors
5. Practice them again
6. Keep a brief daily journal of your day
7. Find your expression: Self-talk; Self-expression; self-soothing
8. Believe you know yourself better than anyone else!

I believe my feeble life has a plan and a purpose. I believe you are working on it even when I carve up my body, drink or abuse myself in some other way. The ways of escape are numerous.

God, you're the only one I trust. Most people, except for two, have stuck with me through it all. I think the cutting freaks most people out.

Love Amy

Do You Really Know?

Not unless you've had these feelings or violations:

Addiction, Beaten, Convulsions, Dominated, Eating Disorder, Falsehood, Gone, Harsh, Ignored, Judged, Keep Secrets, Lost, Melancholy, Nowhere, Out of It, Panic, Quiet, Ready to Fight, Scared, Tearful, Used, Violated, Withdrawn, Xcelerated Childhood Development, Yearning for Comfort, Zero Safety.

I sit here with my left arm all cut up from trapped feelings. Unless you've been where I've been, you have no idea, I would never wish it upon you and I'd never expect you to understand. In fact, I expect you to leave me.

Having a vivid dream of my father raping me at age 12-13 then in the dream him acting as if you're dating is disgusting. That's what happened. What does an adult who felt like a child, who just came off a day of two seizures, do with all of that? She cuts. She carves. She makes a clear statement. Sure the pain gets out, the trauma is released, the most horrible occurrence in her life has a voice and is heard but who hears it?

I hear it. Do you?????? It whispers my name over and over again.



Lyrics:

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again...

(Chorus)
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

(Chorus)

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

(Chorus)

There's No Crying In Cutting

(My Arm - June 13, 2009)

Depraved
Enemy
Always
Deceitful

DEAD

The enemy is lurking,
Seeking out survivors.
Find him and kill him.
If you don't he will find you
And destroy you.

Make a laceration, carve out the anguish.
Your pain means a lot to someone, you just have to reach out.
I didn't.
In the end, I hurt myself but it's all I knew at the time.
There are those I could have called, could have reached out to.
But in the end, I was so overwhelmed with torment that cutting was the only release I could grasp. And in the end, I have no regrets.

That's the saddest part...

Cry for Help?

Dear God,
I have my knife. I am alone, I am dead, I am determined to let this pain out once and for all. I will carve a sign or a series of lines. I will etch a saying or a pattern of hash marks.

I will bleed.
I will feel that sweet release.
I will cut as much as I want to until it's gone.
I will cut as deep as I want to until it's out.

My Dad, that bastard who raped me last night in the dream will not ever stop me. I was thirteen when that happened. His death will be my death.

I will cut out the pain, the dirtiness, the shame.
There will be external scars for what he did to me.
Scars no one else can ever stop.

I go now and I cut.
Carefully, with precision, so I don't get locked up in the hospital.
No one will know where or how wide or how long or how deep.

Only you and I shall know.
Everyone else can only guess.

Erik

God is God

Dear God,

Thank you for my friends that showed up during the night in my hour of need. You know the details of the seizure, anxiety attack, another seizure and another anxiety attack. You know they called 911. You know the comfort they gave and the group decision that was made when I was not functional to make it.

"Lord, through all the generations you have been our home! Before the mountains were created, before you made the earth and the world, you are God, without beginning or end." Psalm 90:1-2

Trust is growing through seizures (the second one in 72 hours). It's growing by making a phone call and my friends following the phone tree. It's growing when I let people rub my back, when I rock back and forth, when I cry and when Jill showed up. I unfroze myself and was able to ask her to hold me while I sobbed.

I had a vision of abuse that was trying to surface. I was four years old. It didn't come up visually but through my body I experienced the fear and terror. Then, just as I was starting to calm down, another seizure hit as Jill was holding me. I couldn't breathe like the other one two days earlier. I was conscious but unable to stop it.

What am I learning? I'm very tired. Therapy is hard. I have friends and family who are there for me in a heartbeat if they can be. I'm not alone. It's okay to receive touch.

My love languages are touch and time. Difficult for someone with a past like mine but not impossible without the help of you and the Holy Spirit.

Love Amy

A Two Hour Session

Dear God,

A two hour session with Jeff. Jill sat beside me. I talked about past relationships with women. It was tiring remembering all those people - some good, some bad and some in limbo. It was draining when I was done. I started to feel the tears coming. Not believing all I had shared.

It's not over yet. There's more to go. I'm "this far" from being done. The trust/mistrust issues were more clear to Jeff than they ever had been and took him by surprise. At a young age I was emotionally raped by a woman who had her own family and her own agenda. I know it's a hard concept to understand and it was just as hard to hear. But now I know why it's been so hard all these years.

Rape.
The ultimate in betrayal of trust.
Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman.
Doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical, mental or spiritual.
It doesn't matter the age or gender.
It steals innocence.
It leaves behind a victim.
Rape destroys what only God can heal.

So God, please help me through this. You know how badly and how deeply I want to cut. How much I want to slash my arms, shoulders and stomach. Cut until there's so much blood I'd need to take a shower in order to rinse it all off. And even then, the water would only rinse away the external evidence of internal pain. The emotional pain would not actually go away.

Scars. Slash marks. Dried blood. Band-aids. Ointment. Long sleeves. Some physical pain but not really. Sterile precision.

I'm lost right now. I just feel lost.
Love Amy

Walk On

Dear God,

Our CR group began discussing starting our 4th steps (Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). I sat in the group knowing how many years it's been since I've done one. The new revelations, memories, relationships - all of it. I really tried to think hard about the responses I was giving to our step study book. I felt I was being honest knowing it's the only way to grow in my relationship with you and with others.

I haven't done my homework. I have a list of names: Gail, Sandy, JoAnn, Avis, Maureen, Pat, Rita, Jo, and Bonnie. I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll bring the list to Jeff then he, Jill and I can do the board.

I had another seizure last night. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm very tired. I have a good size blue bruise where the vein burst. My body aches, my mind is a little numb so it's not quite thinking straight.

I'm scared again. I might need to cry out tonight. I don't want to cut. It feels that way inside. One foot in front of the other. Walk On.

Love Amy

Healing Trust

Dear God,

I've been feeling out of touch lately. Except for writing, I'm zoning off as I sit on the couch, ride in a car or fumble my way through cleaning the house. Where is my mind traveling to? And why does it feel a need to leave?

After meeting with Jeff and Jill, I was given a homework assignment. I'm supposed to brainstorm significant friendships with women that have ended. List the good, the bad and the ugly. Then Jeff and I are going to do a board thing on Thursday. This is to help me identify trust. What is it? I have no clue.

When I think about trust I think of hiding my emotions, not letting anyone touch me, standing off at a distance and not talking. If they can handle that, I trust them. But to cry or be angry, be hugged or held, draw close to someone or talk...that scares the crap out of me and I run. Backwards but it's the truth.

So I have a woman whom God has put into my path for this purpose. She scares the crap out of me. She respects my boundaries, is the voice of reason when I'm being unreasonable out of fear, and she is not enabling my dysfunctional behavior. She's loving and wants to do the right thing. So, the question becomes, do I let her?

All my little kids say, "YES!"
I'm freaked out.

God, I'm gonna have to grow in my trust with you, too, because you're the one who hooked us up. Please give me what I need to be completely naked and exposed when it comes to these issues. They prevent me from receiving the love and comfort you want to give.

I surrender all.
Love Amy

You're All I Need

Dear God,

Thank you for what Annie shared in her email. Now I will share it with others.

Love Amy

Gratitude

Dear God,

Here is a list of what I'm grateful for today:

My age, Bible, Christ, deliverance, eternity, family, girlfriends, Holy Spirit, intuition, justice, keepsakes, laughter, mountains, naps, oceans, poverty, quiet, reflection, second chances, trust, uniqueness, visualization, weather changes, xcellent music, youngsters, zero failure in your eyes.

I feel numb again. Or is it the silence of my soul? How does one tell the difference? I'm so tired. Not depressed. Tired.

Oh, to be on a vacation by myself in my beloved Scottsdale. The heat, the mountains, the valleys, the animals. To swim, to sunbathe, to read, to rest without being bothered. No phone, no phone, no phone.

Perhaps someday when I can drive again. Until then, I dream of a little place called Payson, AZ. I dream of the forest road that takes my mind to far away places. And I dream of the adventure I hope to have again...someday.

God, grant me the serenity I need for today.
I love you,
Amy

In His Time

Dear God,

It has been a tiring day. I spent some time with my dear friend Pam. My body aches from normal monthly activity and aggravated problems that need medical attention. But now that I've been approved for Medicaid, I'm all set. It's just a matter of time before this is resolved.

Again, I thank you and praise you for all you have done. I'm moving forward again at a pace that is just right. I'm getting the rest I need, making phone calls to those I love and who love me, giving support to a friend as best I can and attending my new church as a new member tomorrow. I'm very excited about being reconnected with brothers and sisters who love you and love serving you.

Please help me stay the course. I know the hard work is not over. But I'm forever grateful for the last few days of pure peace. I know everything works together for good in your time.

My love to you and yours,
Amy

Peace

Dear God,

A day of peace, a night of sleep, dreams of love and fun.

Thank you for a few days of no triggers.
I praise you for healing a friendship and deepening others.
Thank you for helping me grow and through that growth, growing others.

You are a God of your Word. I hold onto those hopes, dreams and promises very tightly. For I know you cannot go against who you are or that which you have promised. For your word is trustworthy, beyond any words a human can ever give.

Please accept this song as my offering to you, my Father.
For you are worthy to be praised over and over and over again.

Love Amy

Cease Fire

Dear God,

I remember Monday nights when my Dad would be home watching a show called M*A*S*H. It was a series based on actual events from the Korean war told by doctors and nurses who'd lived through those horrifying conditions. They survived being separated from their families, having to find a family amongst strangers.

In many ways I feel the same way. Homeless in a foreign land. Here to heal my trust and mistrust issues from a broken childhood. Trying to let others help fix the woundedness of my early developmental years by letting them walk beside me - not carry me through it. Only you can carry me.

I think about the past week. How Satan ravaged war against my mental illness, fears, trust and a close relationship. I realized yesterday late afternoon that it was spiritual warfare. I read Eph 6:10 and put on your armor. I called upon you for a cease fire. To kick Satan's ass just like Rambo shows no mercy on his enemies. Somehow the picture of your heel smashing his head into the ground wasn't violent enough. I needed you equipped with a kick butt knife, an M-16 and pent up rage against the king of violators being let out with all the wrath you could muster. As predicted, you won.

For now, all shooting has stopped. It is silent. Satan has his demons but your angels are all around me. Protecting my mind, my sanity and my health. May your peace which surpasses all understanding continue flowing over me as I put on your armor so I can do what you want me to do.

Lord, I struggle with trust. I'm in your hands and your hands alone. Please teach me how to trust others and let them into those secret hiding places. I want to learn how to trust, Lord. I really do. Especially Jill whom you've chosen for this time in my life.

Love Amy

War

Dear God,

The battle I feel inside is making my mind feel crazy. Being drafted into a war I did not choose, being overrun by enemies I thought were friendlies, not being properly trained or outfitted with the right defensive gear, and left alone in a foxhole peering out at the destruction where these assailants continually attacked.

The worst strike times are at night. The darkness hides the enemy even though probes of light give off shadows. The probes are silent intruders looking for movement so the enemy can fire at the target thus destroying it. The probe also helps me see them so I know when to take cover or assimilate myself into a fighting machine. One that will run uncontrollably out of the foxhole and kill those who are trying to kill me.

There are many dead bodies inside of me.
Many who are wounded.
Many who need mental and emotional help.

But you're the Great Physician.
You have troops that can help.
Why can't I let them help me?
There's so much infection that has to be cleaned out.
Maybe too much for them to handle.

That's my greatest fear.
I'll be alone again.
Trapped in a foxhole waiting for the enemy to appear.
But this time, the enemy will be my knife.
Or maybe, the knife will be my friendly.

Amy

Despite your political beliefs, I liked this piece.

A Fortress

Dear God,

I've built a fortress around me. It has iron walls around my entire body with a special metal mixed in so I can see out but no one can see in. The iron is light to carry yet serves as a protective shield from harmful blasts of intruders. Whether friendlies or combatants, no one is allowed in.

I am a survivor. Those are the tools I never throw away. I hide when I need to be hidden. I am silent when I need to not be heard. I am clothed in protective gear when I feel threatened. I am body armored when I feel my safety is threatened. I am a survivor.

I am the protector of my inner child. I am the reason she is alive. I am the bond that holds her close to you, God. I am the only one who knows her. I am all she has. She is all I have. There are many inside wearing protective suits. They are equipped with your armour so no intruder can hurt them. They are capable and fully trained in how to do battle with the enemy. They've met him before. He is no stranger to them.

I am my own weapon. I am a double edged sword. I will fight to the death to stay alive. I will ward off enemies who try to infiltrate the foxhole I've dug and camouflaged. They will not find me. No one knows where I am. No one can hurt me anymore. I am gone and I will not be back. I have terminated relationships that are false. I am a soldier at war.

I am your soldier, God. You are my commanding officer. Only if you say so will I engage the enemy. Who is the enemy? People who say they care about me and want to love me.

Amy

Rent Free Space

Dear God,

There's a slew of rent free space in my head being taken up by things that are of this world and not of yours. Impure thoughts, trying to find answers in places that cause pain instead of healing, anxiety is at a six and disassociation is at a five. Part of the process? Some of it.

I hate night time. Especially this time of the year. Memories of those from two years ago are reappearing though they are coming out in a different form. They are not so much body memories (now that I'm sleeping on the couch) but an external presence that hoovers or surrounds me. I know if I curl into the couch and keep myself well hidden I won't be hurt. Eventually I fall asleep and the presence is gone.

What is that? Who is that? Is it a figment of my imagination or is it another sort of dream state where I'm in and out of consciousness? I don't like my bed anymore. I don't want it in my house. I can give it to my nephew. I know he'd enjoy it.

Purging. Push out. Struggle. Fight. Strain. Force. Dominate.
Paralyzed, Flight, Frozen, Helpless, Deaden, Embarrassment, Secrets.
Plead. Cry. Silence. Bleed. Loud. Unpredictable. Stench.

God, that's what I remember.

Amy

God is the focus