Dear God,
It's hard to start with adoration when what I really want to say is, "What the heck? I can't sleep for the past week." I know it's hard with these new medications and adjustments to things but really, can I get a good night's sleep without so many weird dreams about not knowing what class to be at when I was in high school? I'm frustrated.
Thank you that my knee is feeling better though stairs are not my favorite thing right now. Thank you for the financial provision you've been surprising me with for the past week. I have so many phone calls to make about the CHIPS program, my medical concerns and food stamps that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I thought watching Rambo would help with the PTSD. It's only been one day but I do feel a little better. Something about guns and blowing away the anger really helps.
I'm still wearing the rubber band on my wrist. The one Suzi gave me at Good Shepherd. It helps to snap it when I feel stress. I haven't cut since that hospitalization but even then it was because of that screaming patient who sent my nerves overboard. I know it.
So I missed my support group last night. I'm thinking about going to church with Stephanie on Saturday night to meet my Area Pastor, Marie. I miss going to church but I also know my energy level is really limited. But I can't lock myself up in my house just because I'll sleep or have sleepless nights. Someday, all of this will balance out.
And that's where you come in. I adore you for sticking so close to me through all of this. If it weren't for you, God, I would be dead.
I love you,
Amy
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Create In Me A Clean Heart
Dear God,
Whenever I get together with a friend you bring about an interesting conversation. Things I didn't think I'd talk about I talk about, learning to listen more intently and staying in touch emotionally within a ride range of topics. You are amazing and so much more.
Dealing with "the envelope" yesterday was tough. It sent me back a little bit. No, it sent me back quite a bit. I began to believe the lies that were in there, lies that were told because I wasn't there to defend myself or show proof of the truth. I know you hold my future in my hands and more than likely I will not use that source for future needs but still, it hurt.
Thank you for having a friend call when I needed her to. I was able to get out of myself long enough to call her back and talk about it. Satan's ability to influence my trip up was a little too much for me to handle on my own. And even though my friend and I decided I should not watch Rambo before bedtime, she changed her mind when she heard I'd been up until two in the morning. Perhaps going to bed knowing my anger issues are being worked out through violent justice does me some good. I might try it tonight if I'm feeling the same way.
Lord, thank you for the completion of the book of Daniel. The next book is Hosea which is another one I haven't read. I ask your spirit to guide me and show me what pieces of me need to be forgiven over and over again when I have a log sticking out of my eye. My sin affects others. Please put your finger on it so I can become more like Christ and less like my sinful nature.
I love you!
Amy
Whenever I get together with a friend you bring about an interesting conversation. Things I didn't think I'd talk about I talk about, learning to listen more intently and staying in touch emotionally within a ride range of topics. You are amazing and so much more.
Dealing with "the envelope" yesterday was tough. It sent me back a little bit. No, it sent me back quite a bit. I began to believe the lies that were in there, lies that were told because I wasn't there to defend myself or show proof of the truth. I know you hold my future in my hands and more than likely I will not use that source for future needs but still, it hurt.
Thank you for having a friend call when I needed her to. I was able to get out of myself long enough to call her back and talk about it. Satan's ability to influence my trip up was a little too much for me to handle on my own. And even though my friend and I decided I should not watch Rambo before bedtime, she changed her mind when she heard I'd been up until two in the morning. Perhaps going to bed knowing my anger issues are being worked out through violent justice does me some good. I might try it tonight if I'm feeling the same way.
Lord, thank you for the completion of the book of Daniel. The next book is Hosea which is another one I haven't read. I ask your spirit to guide me and show me what pieces of me need to be forgiven over and over again when I have a log sticking out of my eye. My sin affects others. Please put your finger on it so I can become more like Christ and less like my sinful nature.
I love you!
Amy
Monday, April 27, 2009
Our Trust In You
Dear God,
It still amazes me at how tired I become after spending time socializing. I found it difficult to read Donald's Haiti trip notes. My brain was having difficulty with concentration and conceptualization. I had to read very slowly, often times re-reading what I wasn't able to grasp. I've found this to be normal since the seizures. But it still bothers me greatly.
I finished the book of Daniel. Chapters eleven and twelve were amazing. So many wars, changes in rulers and then the end being predicted. The end of chapter eleven verse one and two say this: "But at that time every one of your people whose name is written in the book will be rescued. Many of those whose bodies lie dead and buried will rise up, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt." Sobering. Then chapter twelve verse three says, "Those who are wise will shine as bright as the sky, and those who turn many to righteousness will shine like stars forever."
Annie, Donald and I talked a bit about Bob. The sudden death of one of their closest friends and a man who encouraged me when I was in the pits of despair. Bob came to mind who will be a star forever. His faith shone so brightly to the broken, the needy, the poor and the oppressed. He touched me and changed a part of my life forever.
Thank you, Lord, that we can put our trust in You.
It still amazes me at how tired I become after spending time socializing. I found it difficult to read Donald's Haiti trip notes. My brain was having difficulty with concentration and conceptualization. I had to read very slowly, often times re-reading what I wasn't able to grasp. I've found this to be normal since the seizures. But it still bothers me greatly.
I finished the book of Daniel. Chapters eleven and twelve were amazing. So many wars, changes in rulers and then the end being predicted. The end of chapter eleven verse one and two say this: "But at that time every one of your people whose name is written in the book will be rescued. Many of those whose bodies lie dead and buried will rise up, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt." Sobering. Then chapter twelve verse three says, "Those who are wise will shine as bright as the sky, and those who turn many to righteousness will shine like stars forever."
Annie, Donald and I talked a bit about Bob. The sudden death of one of their closest friends and a man who encouraged me when I was in the pits of despair. Bob came to mind who will be a star forever. His faith shone so brightly to the broken, the needy, the poor and the oppressed. He touched me and changed a part of my life forever.
Thank you, Lord, that we can put our trust in You.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Journaling
Dear God,
Today is a day where I go visit with Annie and Donald, two of the closest friends I have had since the "Deodandum" days. I'm excited they're willing to drive out to get me but even more excited I get to spend the night hopefully watching a Cubs game and catching up. These friends of mine have stood by me like so many others. I am so grateful to have a variety of friends who are there through thick and thin.
These past 967 days since my nervous breakdown have been filled with quite a selection of emotions, learning how to think new ways, relate new ways and make mistakes along the way.
But you know what? It's all been worth it. Even the hurts along the way have helped me be more sensitive to others needs including their need for my time, communication and love.
Thank you, Lord. For friends that forgive, family that challenges and doctors/therapists/lawyers who help me through the hardest of times.
Love Amy
Today is a day where I go visit with Annie and Donald, two of the closest friends I have had since the "Deodandum" days. I'm excited they're willing to drive out to get me but even more excited I get to spend the night hopefully watching a Cubs game and catching up. These friends of mine have stood by me like so many others. I am so grateful to have a variety of friends who are there through thick and thin.
These past 967 days since my nervous breakdown have been filled with quite a selection of emotions, learning how to think new ways, relate new ways and make mistakes along the way.
But you know what? It's all been worth it. Even the hurts along the way have helped me be more sensitive to others needs including their need for my time, communication and love.
Thank you, Lord. For friends that forgive, family that challenges and doctors/therapists/lawyers who help me through the hardest of times.
Love Amy
Friday, April 24, 2009
Owner of a Lonely Heart
Some of you may recognize this title from a song released in 1983 by a band called YES. It's how I feel today.
As I read from the book of Daniel chapter ten, here's what I underlined:
"...I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three weeks."
"I, Daniel, am the only one who saw this vision. The men with me saw nothing, but they were suddenly terrified and ran away to hide. So I was left there all alone to watch this amazing vision. My strength left me, my face grew deathly pale, and I felt very weak. When I heard him speak, I fainted and lay there with my face to the ground."
"Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. And the man said to me, "O Daniel, greatly loved of God, listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you." When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling with fear."
Verse 12: "Then he said, "Don't be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.""
I love that last line..."I have come in answer to your prayer." God sends his angels to surround us when we need surrounding. I know they are under His command and I firmly believe they can fill a lonely heart. Especially when I pray for understanding of my loneliness and humbly ask God to fill it. Sometimes He does it through His Word but more often than not, I find He does it through His people. That's why knowing who God truly is? Is so important.
As I read from the book of Daniel chapter ten, here's what I underlined:
"...I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three weeks."
"I, Daniel, am the only one who saw this vision. The men with me saw nothing, but they were suddenly terrified and ran away to hide. So I was left there all alone to watch this amazing vision. My strength left me, my face grew deathly pale, and I felt very weak. When I heard him speak, I fainted and lay there with my face to the ground."
"Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. And the man said to me, "O Daniel, greatly loved of God, listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you." When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling with fear."
Verse 12: "Then he said, "Don't be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.""
I love that last line..."I have come in answer to your prayer." God sends his angels to surround us when we need surrounding. I know they are under His command and I firmly believe they can fill a lonely heart. Especially when I pray for understanding of my loneliness and humbly ask God to fill it. Sometimes He does it through His Word but more often than not, I find He does it through His people. That's why knowing who God truly is? Is so important.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Confession
As I was preparing for our Celebrate Recovery group last night I realized my soul has been out of balance. I've been out of God's word, not reading a new book where short bible stories are brought to life nor have I been concerned about my physical care. I've been focused on other things, good things, but not things that nourish my soul.As I began this day I decided to pick up where I left off in the book of Daniel, chapter nine. It's "Daniel's Prayer for His People." It's theme is confession, sin, rebellion and God's mercy. A coincidence? I think not. I'm going to follow along Daniel's prayer adding my own confession of truth and vulnerability. This is not easy and this is why only certain people are allowed to read my blog.
Dear Heavenly Father, my father, my truth-teller, my gracious forgiver. This is the first in many days that I have come to you in your word. I learned from your word that I need to turn to the Lord God and plead with you in prayer and probably fasting (though that is a big stretch these days). So here I am, Lord. Here's my prayer and confession. Lord, you are a great and awesome God! you always fulfill your promises of unfailing love to those who love you and keep your commands. But I, Amy, have sinned and done wrong. I have rebelled against the healing from binge eating and bulimia that you set before me. I have refused to listen to your chosen teachers who spoke your message of balance and nutritional health. Lord, you are in the right for convicting my spirit. My face is covered in shame, just as you see me now. I am covered in shame because I have sinned against you. But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving even though I have rebelled against him. I have not obeyed the Lord our God, for I have not followed the guidance he gave me through Rogers Memorial and Dr. Sarah. I have refused to seek help and strength from you, from your people and in return fell into a fat pit of gaining weight. While I understand one of the medications has a side effect of weight gain, Lord that's no excuse for binge eating. I am turning from my sin today and recognizing your truth. For even though I have not obeyed what you have set before me, I believe I can have victory in this area of my life. For you have faithful mercies, Lord. O our God, listen as I plead. For your own sake, Lord, smile on me and grant your servant victory in this fight. I do not ask because I deserve the victory but because you are so merciful.
With all my love and in my Savior Jesus name I pray, Amy Kathleen.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Binge Eating/PTSD
Hm. A new adjective to an old diagnosis. Delayed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) instead of acute PTSD. The difference? Acute happens right after the trauma. Delayed happens several years after the trauma. While experiencing PTSD for the first time, it was acute and chronic. Though buried in my mind it came out through Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Now the PTSD is delayed. That means it's getting better even though the psychiatrist says it's the cause of all the other mental illness except of course for the chemical ones. It doesn't feel better because the trauma surfaces as it needs to but at least I can see progress.
As I was looking for a definition of delayed PTSD I discovered other symptoms and treatments. When I was at Rogers Memorial in Wisconsin for the eating disorder I was diagnosed with bulimia. But what was really true is the binge eating disorder. Here's why: (taken from http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/binge-eating-disorder)
(BED) is characterized by a loss of control over eating behaviors. The binge eater consumes unnaturally large amounts of food in a short time period, but unlike a bulimic, doesn't regularly engage in any inappropriate weight-reducing behaviors (like excessive exercise, vomiting, taking laxatives) after the binge episodes.
That makes sense to me. Just like the causes and symptoms:
Binge eating episodes may act as a psychological release for excessive emotional stress. Other circumstances that may predispose an individual to BED include heredity and mood disorders, such as major depression. BED patients are also more likely to have an additional diagnosis of impulsive behaviors (for example, compulsive shopping), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic disorder, or personality disorders. More than half also have a history of major depression. In 2002, the American Psychiatric Association was considering including BED as a psychiatric diagnosis.
So I guess today is just gathering more information. Information that will advance healing and hopefully ignite change. These new medications are kicking my butt.
As I was looking for a definition of delayed PTSD I discovered other symptoms and treatments. When I was at Rogers Memorial in Wisconsin for the eating disorder I was diagnosed with bulimia. But what was really true is the binge eating disorder. Here's why: (taken from http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/binge-eating-disorder)
(BED) is characterized by a loss of control over eating behaviors. The binge eater consumes unnaturally large amounts of food in a short time period, but unlike a bulimic, doesn't regularly engage in any inappropriate weight-reducing behaviors (like excessive exercise, vomiting, taking laxatives) after the binge episodes.
That makes sense to me. Just like the causes and symptoms:
Binge eating episodes may act as a psychological release for excessive emotional stress. Other circumstances that may predispose an individual to BED include heredity and mood disorders, such as major depression. BED patients are also more likely to have an additional diagnosis of impulsive behaviors (for example, compulsive shopping), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic disorder, or personality disorders. More than half also have a history of major depression. In 2002, the American Psychiatric Association was considering including BED as a psychiatric diagnosis.
So I guess today is just gathering more information. Information that will advance healing and hopefully ignite change. These new medications are kicking my butt.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Let There Be Praise
Time...
It's time to watch my cat Jack lick his back paws while laying in front of my laptop.
It's time to hang new drawings from art therapy on the walls.
It's time to put together a new puzzle.
It's time to clean out the fridge and make room for an old friend's new plunder.
It's time to read a new book by a beloved author.
It's time to watch an old series of DVD's from a friend.
It's time to write about one subject matter.
It's time to relax with magazines that have no meaning whatsoever.
It's time to accept family and extended family as safe.
It's time to praise God for the envelope He brought through a friend.
It's time to thank God for new friendships forming and old ones moving on.
It's time to allow God to move my heart a new direction.
It's time to cry a little more.
It's time to smile a little more.
It's time to laugh a little more.
It's time to heal a little more.
It's time for there to be Praise!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Middle Saturday
As is now my Good Friday practice, I watched The Passion of the Christ last night. Reading subtitles adds so much to the experience. In hearing the original language, my mind captures the substance of what's being said as I'm witnessing the story of Jesus' last days unfold. If it were in English I doubt the cinematic experience would be the same.
When the story moved from present to past and tied together the words he taught, predicted and cautioned I was captivated by his eyes. They stayed the same - filled with warmth, concern and knowledge of his future. Yet at the same time he knew of our future, too. The sleeping of his friends whom he'd asked to stay vigilant in prayer, the blood he sweat in the garden the night he was kissed by Judas, and the healing of a Roman soldier's ear whom Peter had cut off to prevent Jesus' capture. All of this recorded in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
No matter what version of the Bible you read the account of Jesus' death including the trickery and violence leading up to it cannot be shadowed. For it is real. He experienced a punishment few people had ever heard of. Scourged and crucified for innocence? Nowadays it's unfortunately common to hear of Christians being tortured and murdered for their Christian beliefs but in his time there was no such thing. He hadn't yet come. But now he had and now he was a threat that must be stopped.
We read Jesus predicted destroying the temple then raising it in three days. There's Good Friday, Easter Sunday and then there's today. I call it Middle Saturday. As a follower of Jesus for a long time I've heard several teachings about this day. Is Saturday the day he visited Satan and reminded him of his future or was that Friday night before he returned to Heaven? Is it the day Jesus rested in glory with his Father? Could there be millions and millions of angels singing and celebrating the conquering of sin for all of mankind? I don't know what Saturday was in Heaven. But this is what I'd like to think it was and there is no biblical basis for it whatsoever:
It was the day after Father and Son were reunited. A day when a Father is beaming with pride for his Son because he stuck it out no matter how hard it became. A day when the Son could rest in his heavenly body where there were no more tears and no more pain. You see...Jesus knows Sunday's coming. He's coming back for a short time to see his friends, to remind us of our future with him and to give us instruction to keep our faith no matter how hard the road becomes. To let us touch Him, to let Him touch us and to give us a promise that he is preparing a place for us in eternity!!
Jesus, touch us now and make us whole. For on the day you welcome us home we want to present ourselves as holy sacrifices to you.
When the story moved from present to past and tied together the words he taught, predicted and cautioned I was captivated by his eyes. They stayed the same - filled with warmth, concern and knowledge of his future. Yet at the same time he knew of our future, too. The sleeping of his friends whom he'd asked to stay vigilant in prayer, the blood he sweat in the garden the night he was kissed by Judas, and the healing of a Roman soldier's ear whom Peter had cut off to prevent Jesus' capture. All of this recorded in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
No matter what version of the Bible you read the account of Jesus' death including the trickery and violence leading up to it cannot be shadowed. For it is real. He experienced a punishment few people had ever heard of. Scourged and crucified for innocence? Nowadays it's unfortunately common to hear of Christians being tortured and murdered for their Christian beliefs but in his time there was no such thing. He hadn't yet come. But now he had and now he was a threat that must be stopped.
We read Jesus predicted destroying the temple then raising it in three days. There's Good Friday, Easter Sunday and then there's today. I call it Middle Saturday. As a follower of Jesus for a long time I've heard several teachings about this day. Is Saturday the day he visited Satan and reminded him of his future or was that Friday night before he returned to Heaven? Is it the day Jesus rested in glory with his Father? Could there be millions and millions of angels singing and celebrating the conquering of sin for all of mankind? I don't know what Saturday was in Heaven. But this is what I'd like to think it was and there is no biblical basis for it whatsoever:
It was the day after Father and Son were reunited. A day when a Father is beaming with pride for his Son because he stuck it out no matter how hard it became. A day when the Son could rest in his heavenly body where there were no more tears and no more pain. You see...Jesus knows Sunday's coming. He's coming back for a short time to see his friends, to remind us of our future with him and to give us instruction to keep our faith no matter how hard the road becomes. To let us touch Him, to let Him touch us and to give us a promise that he is preparing a place for us in eternity!!
Jesus, touch us now and make us whole. For on the day you welcome us home we want to present ourselves as holy sacrifices to you.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Good Friday
A day of stillness.
A day of deep thought.
A day of reflection.
A day of sober indebtedness.
Tonight I watch The Passion of the Christ in remembrance of what Jesus didn't have to do but did so because of His obedience to God and His love for us.
Women of Faith:
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
10 Days...
A symbol of hope.
A place of rest.
Safety, security.
Meals made for you.
Needed conversations.
Groups that stimulate new thoughts.
Homework toward reaching goals.
New coping skills.
All bundled up in one place.
Good Shepherd Hospital in Barrington, IL.
Behavioral Health Unit.
A place where short-term crisis care and intervention
Meets people in crisis who need short-term care.
My stay? 10 days.
Things learned:
1. Walking into your psychiatrist's office crying is a good thing. Not being able to stop crying and not being able to answer the question, "Are you have thoughts of suicide" is also a good thing. Then he can help you so you don't take matters into your broken hands and unnecessarily hurt yourself.
2. Admitting you need help is a good thing. Asking for help is a good thing. Accepting help is a good thing. Then you can defeat the lie of being alone and embrace the truth of being loved and cared about.
3. Nobody can make me feel anything or create my mood or control my behavior. Events happen. How I choose to respond to those events (past and present through thoughts, mood, behavior) are usually within my control. There's a wise balance in that discovery.
4. Coping skills for the mind, body and spirit are mine to search out for myself. I have many I can put into practice any time I need them. Incorporating them into daily living will keep the negative thoughts and depression from snowballing.
5. Medication is important. Taking it as prescribed. No one can do this for me. But if I notice a change in myself and the above tools are not working notify my psychiatrist so it doesn't go unchecked.
Just for today, I will do what I need to do to feel good about who I am and accept the exact spot where God has me. I will not put extra pressure on myself to complete everything at once so I can "rest" later. Too much stress at any one time is not worth the mental anguish. God doesn't want me doing that to myself.
Especially now.
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