Dear God,
I ask for your perspective on myself, Jill and the situation. Speak now Lord for your servant is listening...
Dear Amy,
You have been hurting for a long time at the loss of Jill, much like the grief of a death. I understand how you are feeling and want to give you some insight.
You were not well for several months this summer. The seizures and medications you were on caused you to react to situations in ways the people around you didn't understand. Since your contact with people was so small, there were few who understood and supported you through email. But those walking with you daily were overcome by your inability to cope and multiple hospitalizations.
I put a sparkle, a kindling, a flame in your hearts when you first met Jill. Her heart was so tender toward you. She had hopes of being able to help you with your sexual abuse recovery under the guidance of Celebrate Recovery and her own healing process. You had hopes of having a new friend, someone who was on the other side to guide you and comfort you as the last 10% was finished.
Do you remember all that was going on in Jill's life? Marissa, her sister, the two friends who abandoned her that hurt deeply for Jill, her Mom, some of the things she talked to you about and trusted in you? She was not prepared (no one was) for what was going to happen a few months later. She gave you one of her most precious items, the purple cross she wore during her time of healing. When you returned it to her without an explanation, she didn't understand and was hurt. She was hurt with the "lies" and doesn't understand who you are or what you're like today. She doesn't want to know.
The situation as it stands today saddens me. Yes, codependency played a role in both your actions and your reactions to Jill just like her codependency played a role in her actions and reactions to you. But is that a good enough reason to pour water on the flame I lit between you? Both of you have been given free will and so far all you've done is hurt one another. I know you apologized Amy but what you did in action needs to be apologized for in person.
My prayer for both of you is that as you seek to know my will, purpose and direction for your lives, you'll follow it. I want you at Long Grove. Please pray for you and Jill to find a way to mend your relationship. You're right by starting with acceptance for where the two of you are but someone has to make the first move by using the voice I've given each of you. Will it be you? Will it be Jill?
That's all I have to say, Amy. I love you and I love Jill. You are my daughters. You are sisters in my Son's name. Sisters fight and when they truly love one another, sisters talk and forgive one another.
Love God
Thank you, Lord. I shall ponder these things in my heart.
Love Amy
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Admit Your Emotions - To God
Dear God,
Now it's time to forgive Jill. Here are the emotions I feel:
abused, angry, bitter, bleak, blocked, blue, burdened, codependent, concerned, confused, controlled, deceived, discounted, discouraged, dismayed, disregarded, disrespected, down, embarrassed, empty, excluded, exhausted, explosive, failure, fearful, frustrated, fuming, furious, guilty, hateful, heavy hearted, helpless, hostile, hurt, ignored, infuriated, insulted, jealous, mad, malice, mean, misunderstood, obsessed, on edge, peeved, questioning, rage, ready to fight, regretful, resentful, restless, revengeful, shocked, sick, sorrowful, sorry, spiteful, steaming, suffering, suspicious, tearful, tense, tentative, tired, tricked, unanswered questions, uncaring, uncertain, uneasy, upset, used, unsafe, weary, weighed down, withdrawn, worn out, victim, victimized.
A lot of anger, A lot of hurt.
A lot of questions, A lot of wondering.
These are my feelings, they cause me to groan.
No one can take them away or call them their own.
For feelings are given by You to express what's inside,
It's your wisdom I seek in expressing them, where I want to abide.
Jill has her own list, it is long against me I'm sure.
I pray she is able to get to the other side so her beautiful heart can be pure.
She had good intentions, that much I believe,
It's how she ended our relationship - that's what I grieve.
Lord, help me as I go through this exercise to be honest and true,
For it is in my heart to hide but not really from you.
The sexual abuse flashbacks are starting up again,
Show me how to become a whole person, integrated and mend.
Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Now it's time to forgive Jill. Here are the emotions I feel:
abused, angry, bitter, bleak, blocked, blue, burdened, codependent, concerned, confused, controlled, deceived, discounted, discouraged, dismayed, disregarded, disrespected, down, embarrassed, empty, excluded, exhausted, explosive, failure, fearful, frustrated, fuming, furious, guilty, hateful, heavy hearted, helpless, hostile, hurt, ignored, infuriated, insulted, jealous, mad, malice, mean, misunderstood, obsessed, on edge, peeved, questioning, rage, ready to fight, regretful, resentful, restless, revengeful, shocked, sick, sorrowful, sorry, spiteful, steaming, suffering, suspicious, tearful, tense, tentative, tired, tricked, unanswered questions, uncaring, uncertain, uneasy, upset, used, unsafe, weary, weighed down, withdrawn, worn out, victim, victimized.
A lot of anger, A lot of hurt.
A lot of questions, A lot of wondering.
These are my feelings, they cause me to groan.
No one can take them away or call them their own.
For feelings are given by You to express what's inside,
It's your wisdom I seek in expressing them, where I want to abide.
Jill has her own list, it is long against me I'm sure.
I pray she is able to get to the other side so her beautiful heart can be pure.
She had good intentions, that much I believe,
It's how she ended our relationship - that's what I grieve.
Lord, help me as I go through this exercise to be honest and true,
For it is in my heart to hide but not really from you.
The sexual abuse flashbacks are starting up again,
Show me how to become a whole person, integrated and mend.
Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Admit Your Emotions - 3
When someone sends you an email
That ends a relationship you shared
Do you think it's an appropriate form of communication
Or does it make you mad?
I feel it's the poorest of communications and it makes me feel mad.
I received one the end of July
With an "explanation" of sorts
Citing the reasons why
I had fallen short.
The ending was, "Do not contact me,
I will not respond."
From a Christian sister
Who supposedly follows God.
This email has bothered me,
Let's just say,
I'd rather she'd sat across from me
and talked to me one day.
I'm sure she has her reasons
As most of us do
To not confront issues
Out of fear or codependency, too.
So I admit I am hurt
I feel sad inside.
For I've already apologized
But she's made up her mind.
Where does it stand,
This two sided gap?
In the hands of God
Who will guide each step.
So I pray for her spirit
And I pray for mine, too.
That God's will be done
and I let go of expecting her to....
Respond, accept my apology, forgive me, talk this out, not re-establish a friendship but clear the air, tell me what I did that was so terrible or to care.
That's the first step. Admitting I'm powerless over her choices and not letting my life become unmanageable because of them. To live in the freedom Christ died for me to have. To work on my own issues, my own inventory, my own side of the street. To know I've done all I can to make it right. I can't control her or her behavior. If she doesn't want to make it right, then let her go and pray for her to have all the good things I have. Pray the resentment prayer so I don't get hooked into Satan's snare. Grieve the loss and move on.
That ends a relationship you shared
Do you think it's an appropriate form of communication
Or does it make you mad?
I feel it's the poorest of communications and it makes me feel mad.
I received one the end of July
With an "explanation" of sorts
Citing the reasons why
I had fallen short.
The ending was, "Do not contact me,
I will not respond."
From a Christian sister
Who supposedly follows God.
This email has bothered me,
Let's just say,
I'd rather she'd sat across from me
and talked to me one day.
I'm sure she has her reasons
As most of us do
To not confront issues
Out of fear or codependency, too.
So I admit I am hurt
I feel sad inside.
For I've already apologized
But she's made up her mind.
Where does it stand,
This two sided gap?
In the hands of God
Who will guide each step.
So I pray for her spirit
And I pray for mine, too.
That God's will be done
and I let go of expecting her to....
Respond, accept my apology, forgive me, talk this out, not re-establish a friendship but clear the air, tell me what I did that was so terrible or to care.
That's the first step. Admitting I'm powerless over her choices and not letting my life become unmanageable because of them. To live in the freedom Christ died for me to have. To work on my own issues, my own inventory, my own side of the street. To know I've done all I can to make it right. I can't control her or her behavior. If she doesn't want to make it right, then let her go and pray for her to have all the good things I have. Pray the resentment prayer so I don't get hooked into Satan's snare. Grieve the loss and move on.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Train
October 16, 2009
Dear Carol,
It was so good to hear your voice today. I wanted to give you a brief update of the happenings of the past week so it’s charted as we head into God’s plan for the next era of my healing and recovery.
This week has been filled with blessings of family mixed with migraines and trips to the ER. I saw my new neurologist who took me off the Topomax citing it causes kidney stones (now they tell me!) and switched it to Propanolol 40mg twice daily. As I wean off the Topomax I notice my body does not like it, especially with the pseudo seizures.
Last night was especially difficult. The dreams were vivid and very realistic. I dreamt I was joining my mom on a trip she had to go on for Kemper which included a series of connections between airline flights and trains in the horn of Africa (far northeast corner) where the poorest people live, like the people in Burma. The passengers consisted of me and my entire family, people from Bright Hope, and you and Jeff as the conductors.
The train traveled like a roller coaster through mountains of rock sometimes at top notch speeds where you took over the steering. Some of my family members were scared but I reassured them that this was safe traveling, normal for the region of Africa we were in and the type of traveling we were doing. The tracks at times went completely upside down but nothing fell and there were no injuries to anyone. It seemed normal.
What wasn’t normal was this part. When we arrived at our destination, somehow I saw this and it made me sick to my stomach. Having had a migraine and being up all night anyway (in real life), this didn’t help matters. I dreamt there was an assembly line of girls and boys, ages 6-7, lined up with a red folded metal chair separating them. They were told to step forward then dropped into a big blender where they not only died but their remains were being served to naïve visitors as specialty drinks. It made me sick in real life. In my dream, I told my nephews and nieces not to look and we kept walking.
I can’t get those images out of my head. The migraine from Monday is finally gone but those images represent something. When I woke up, after an hour or two, I had a pseudo seizure that lasted for an hour. I was up most of the night wondering why God had me up and why I was given that dream.
I did a lot of intercessory prayer, a lot of rocking and shifting in my bed. At one point all eight cats were in bed with me and then there were none. It was if they said, “Hey, we’re comfortable. What’s your problem?” I read some passages in scripture about fear and peace which helped then put on some relaxation music throughout the entire night.
I focused on Jesus holding me and me holding Him. I thought of you, my family, my friends, the blessings God’s given to me but nothing calmed me down. I knew I needed another session with you so I analyzed my October spending, found where I could cut corners and made the appt for next week. Now I feel more at ease and can lie down peacefully.
I’m sure we’ll talk about this next week. Have a terrific weekend!!!
Love Amy
Dear Carol,
It was so good to hear your voice today. I wanted to give you a brief update of the happenings of the past week so it’s charted as we head into God’s plan for the next era of my healing and recovery.
This week has been filled with blessings of family mixed with migraines and trips to the ER. I saw my new neurologist who took me off the Topomax citing it causes kidney stones (now they tell me!) and switched it to Propanolol 40mg twice daily. As I wean off the Topomax I notice my body does not like it, especially with the pseudo seizures.
Last night was especially difficult. The dreams were vivid and very realistic. I dreamt I was joining my mom on a trip she had to go on for Kemper which included a series of connections between airline flights and trains in the horn of Africa (far northeast corner) where the poorest people live, like the people in Burma. The passengers consisted of me and my entire family, people from Bright Hope, and you and Jeff as the conductors.
The train traveled like a roller coaster through mountains of rock sometimes at top notch speeds where you took over the steering. Some of my family members were scared but I reassured them that this was safe traveling, normal for the region of Africa we were in and the type of traveling we were doing. The tracks at times went completely upside down but nothing fell and there were no injuries to anyone. It seemed normal.
What wasn’t normal was this part. When we arrived at our destination, somehow I saw this and it made me sick to my stomach. Having had a migraine and being up all night anyway (in real life), this didn’t help matters. I dreamt there was an assembly line of girls and boys, ages 6-7, lined up with a red folded metal chair separating them. They were told to step forward then dropped into a big blender where they not only died but their remains were being served to naïve visitors as specialty drinks. It made me sick in real life. In my dream, I told my nephews and nieces not to look and we kept walking.
I can’t get those images out of my head. The migraine from Monday is finally gone but those images represent something. When I woke up, after an hour or two, I had a pseudo seizure that lasted for an hour. I was up most of the night wondering why God had me up and why I was given that dream.
I did a lot of intercessory prayer, a lot of rocking and shifting in my bed. At one point all eight cats were in bed with me and then there were none. It was if they said, “Hey, we’re comfortable. What’s your problem?” I read some passages in scripture about fear and peace which helped then put on some relaxation music throughout the entire night.
I focused on Jesus holding me and me holding Him. I thought of you, my family, my friends, the blessings God’s given to me but nothing calmed me down. I knew I needed another session with you so I analyzed my October spending, found where I could cut corners and made the appt for next week. Now I feel more at ease and can lie down peacefully.
I’m sure we’ll talk about this next week. Have a terrific weekend!!!
Love Amy
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