Friday, March 27, 2009

Sleepy? Nope.

I suppose it could be from the driving or perhaps the natural wind down from the last few days. I'm feeling a bit restless and can't seem to make my way to bed. I've been visiting friends on Facebook, sending emails and now I'm here. One would think the activity of the day would catch up to me but it seems the opposite is happening. I am feeling the aches and muscle stiffness, tilting my head to the right as I type and closing my eyes now and again yet the pull to my bed is nil.

I seem to have this fear of going to sleep. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am by myself after a few days of being with my family. Or maybe it's because I know the bad news I received the other day is going to take me the next step toward God's good plan. Sounds funny, doesn't it? Being afraid of God's good plan? And yet the process of getting there hurts. In fact it's painful in all ways. Some incomprehensible to those I love, whose friendship I treasure dearly.

Maybe I'll go lay down and put in a DVD. I'll fall asleep eventually. I see my psychiatrist in the morning. I dread it. I always dread it.

This is one song I enjoy listening to. Julie Andrews' voice is so sweet and the song itself has a great message woven into the melody. It reminds me that God is watching over me and He has a task for me to do. No matter if I'm noticed or not, no matter if it seems menial to others or to myself, it's important enough to God to give it to me to do and that it get done.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life Preservers

It was the hope of myself, family and support people that this time away from home would be refreshing. A break from the problems at home. Here's what I learned. I am constantly being thrown into the ocean with a life preserver on. I sink down under the water then shoot back up where my head stays above the water waiting to be rescued. I know I'm going to be rescued. I don't know when. I know by whom - God. I don't know where or how it's going to take place. I wait on the only One who knows. And I make sure the life preserver is secured around my body.

Does one call it more bad news when unemployment says they support your story about being wrongfully terminated but can't grant benefits because you can't work? Does God secretly use information meant for harm with unemployment as good news for SSDI? Furthermore, does God have a bigger plan that He has yet to reveal as this process continues? According to the first couple chapters of Daniel, yes.

I wait upon the Lord. I call out to Him in my distress. He hears my cries, knows my humble ways and doesn't want me to give into self-destruction by cutting, overeating, starving or feeding suicidal thoughts. Yes, the anxiety, panic, PTSD and depression are on high alert. Yes, my body continues to fight off unexplained physical pain. Yes, I am tired and I'm weary. But like Isaiah says, "Even youths grow tired and weary."

I'm no spring chicken but this I know. God is always watching over me.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Vacation From My Problems














Ah, the Northwoods of Wisconsin. Home to deer, bear, wolves, ice fishing and snowmobiling. None of which I will be seeing or doing.

Gonna be gone for a few days. Gotta rest the mind, spirit and body. God has provided the transportation so it's time to pack lightly and think about nothing back home.

I'll miss my friends but not my problems. Wait, Bob Wiley was given a prescription for that. To take a vacation from his problems!! Brilliant man, Dr. Leo Marvin.

Baby steps off the computer. Baby steps out of the house. Baby steps to the inside of the back of the car. Baby steps on the ride to Mom's. Baby steps to Mom's couch.

Oh Happy Days!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Pondering







Sunshine.
Laughter.
Friends forever after.

Waiting.
Waiting on.
Waiting on God.

Mom.
Sisters.
Brothers.
Nephews and Nieces.
Lots of them.

Time. Recovery. More Time.
Pain. Recovery. Less Pain.
Hope. Recovery. More Hope.

Blue Skies.
White Clouds.
Green Buds.

Kitty cats.
Doggies.
Rabbits.
Chickens and Cows.

Walking in the woods.
Playing the drums.
Riding a motorcycle.
Coloring a picture.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dad Dreams

It was another night of eventful dreams. This time, my Dad was at our house laying on a coffee table with a tube sticking out of his neck. It was the only thing keeping him alive. None of us wanted to pull it out. But in the end of the dream, we realized it was the only thing we could do and had to let him go.

Why is the process of grief so untouchable when what causes it isn't? He's been gone for over a year and the grief feels like it just happened. More accurately, it feels worse. I cry in the dream, I rationalize in the dream, I anguish in the dream, I see his face and body in the dream then I wake up to a photograph. A memory. A heart that is heavy with remorse and wishes that won't ever come true.

That's what's so hard. Reality. Not being able to change the past. Not the past of my childhood. But the reality of no new memories to be made, to be changed or be fully alive. There's a dead zone in my heart. The place where he is - is now dead. He was always my Daddy. He will always be my Daddy.

Maybe that's why I've been so sick these past couple of weeks. I needed to be weak enough physically to cry and let it out. I certainly have no power to keep it inside. And the thrashing was a signal that once again I needed to let go.

I don't know how my Dad died. I really don't. I don't know if he asked Joan to help him commit suicide. I don't know if she did it herself. But I can tell you this: He didn't die "naturally". She moved out and moved on too quickly for that to be true. Even the lawyer agrees.

For a daughter to lose her Dad is hard. That's all there is to it.

"Dear Dad...I love you. I miss what we once shared and wish we could have held onto it awhile longer. But you couldn't. Maybe we became too intimate, knowing each other too well. I want you to know how much I miss you - as a person, including your weirdness. We all have weirdness. None of us is perfect. And none of us escapes our need for the Perfect One. I hope you found Him in your days of youth. I hope you are with Him in your eternal days. I hope one day we see each other in Heaven and rejoice in complete healing. Our love for each other never died. Your body died but your memory will live on forever. Good or bad, it will live on forever. I promise not to ever let you go. You are my Dad. My one and only Dad. And I will always be your daughter...your first born of three precious girls. This year I will celebrate Father's Day and your birthday for the first time in four years. I don't know what I'll do on those days but it will be something special between you and I. Perhaps fishing or carpentry or just sitting and talking. But it will be ours. No one will be able to steal it away from us.

Until then Dad, be at peace. I pray your soul is at peace.
Love Amy Kathleen."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Later That Same Day...

If you read the below writing first, I bet you're wondering how I was able to fall back asleep. I own this 1995 VHS tape from Moody Publishing. Half.com describes it this way: "An inspiring praise and worship video, that helps to make God's word more familiar, His promises real, and His comfort a more personal experience. Filled with contemporary songs and Bible passages to provide an uplifting source of strength that recites scripture, uses pictures of creation and plays praise music in the background." I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's 55 minutes long which is just enough time to get the PTSD under control and feel my body completely relax. I fell back to sleep for another 9 hours!

I highly recommend this VHS for everyone who has difficulty sleeping after a rough night of emotional stress. I think I'll put it in the VCR tonight before I fall asleep. And maybe, just maybe, I can rest In His Presence the whole night through.

I couldn't find a sample from the actual video. But this is pretty close.

War

I met with Jeff last night. As I was talking and crying about the uncertainty of all that is in mid-air I remembered the thrashing dreams I've been having. Dreams that resemble night terrors but no memories are attached. As I write this, I just came out of one and felt the need to get it down before I go back to my foxhole. It's 2:00 a.m.

I heard myself say during the session, "Since August 3rd when the first seizure hit I haven't had a day's rest. It's been a constant barrage of attack, ammunition runs, digging foxholes in strange places, changing Sergeant's, relational losses, death and an unknown ending to it all. I gear up everyday, load my weapon, walk with my comrades in arms then wait for the next attack which occurs in the stillness of the dark.

War movies are my favorite. I identify with the guys who scream at the enemy, fire bullets with an adrenalin rush they've rarely felt, commit suicide because of the weight they carry inside and the quiet ones. You know it's just a matter of time before they, too will pop.

Instead of thrashing around in my bed I dug myself a foxhole. I surrounded myself in my covers, tucked myself in all the way up to my head so only the air I breathed could get in and out. When I'd dream again, I'd bury myself further into the foxhole reminding myself that I am protected. I'm not hiding from the fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, pain or people. I'm protecting myself because that's what I couldn't do as a little girl when men with unclean hearts battered and bruised my body.

There is no clip from anywhere that can depict how I feel. Nor is there a clip where God promises to make it all go away. He promises to help me through it. I believe He helped me tonight. And now...I lay my head down to sleep.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

PMS or Fibromyalgia?

These are the common trigger points for Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with it six years ago. It flares up without warning. Now I know what was wrong yesterday. It wasn't depression. It was chronic physical pain that needed hot baths (wish I had a hot tub), medication and lots of sleep. I still feel physically weak today but the sun is out and I don't want to miss the warmth.

There are times during the month when my PMS symptoms will mimic Fibro. I can take Pamprin and the pain is gone in just a few minutes. But when the Pamprin doesn't work and I am sleeping all day because of the severe pain throughout every muscle and joint in my body, it's a cue that something else is going on.

In a way, that's a relief. It affirms my ability to still be able to diagnose what's going on then communicate it with my doctors. What triggers it? I don't know. I think that remains unresolved in the medical community.

Today is a new day where the sun is shining and God has given me life. I shall take my cane for a brief walk (maybe to the mailbox and back) then perhaps I will just sit in the sun with a book. In either case, I'm grateful to be alive. Remembering always that He is my refuge and my strength...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Depression

Does depression always strike on Mondays or have I ignored it the last several days? Since I have a bad habit of ignoring (or is it really the character defect of selective ignorance?) I'm guessing it's been brewing at a steady simmer.

I'm so tired - physically. All I want to do is sleep. I know spending less than 24 hours at my sister's was a wise choice for my health and wow did I get filled up emotionally yet there's this little voice that says, "See? You did it again!"

Stupid voice. I'm going to take my meds, drink some OJ and go back to bed.

Or maybe it's the new depression med I'm on. Did you know one of the side effects is seizures? What the heck? I'm also taking a new seizure med. That probably causes depression. Anyway, God is in control. All I have to do is tell my psych what's going on and tell my emotions to chill out and rest.

Back to bed I go. Maybe a funny movie will help.

Even though some of the comedy is a bit, how shall I say it, "tainted", Jeff Dunham's DVD Spark of Insanity is hilarious!!! Best ventriloquist I've ever seen.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Yelling

This is what I feel like today. I want to yell and scream about what's going on with me, the circumstances I'm in and how helpless I feel. My need for God and His provision become more evident as time passes. Did you know I've been dealing with all of this since August 3, 2008? Mentally, I've been in the trenches since the summer of 2006?

I hate my life today. I see God working all around me with attorneys, finances and other needs but I still feel like physically fighting someone to get the rage out. I've thought about going back into the hospital but all I envision are fights with the people I've come to trust...my psychiatrist, the counselors and social workers. Being a b*!@) won't make anything better. In fact it will make things worse. So what do I do?

I sit here and write about it. I read God's word and His promises for a better future. I sit here and stare into space. I watch the same movies over and over and over again. The ones that have transformation of characters or ones that require no thinking whatsoever. I wake up when the collection agencies start calling. I get dressed in what I wore yesterday. I have no desire to shower or brush my hair or brush my teeth or take care of my hygiene in anyway. I am depressed and I know it.

I'm scared and I know that too. I'm making some tough decisions and acting on them. No one can do them but me. No one else was effected but me. God has given names of attorneys and I'm following through. But the hard work rests on my head, not anyone else's. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or be near anyone. I will stay inside today and just exist. If for no other reason than to stay alive for my family.

I don't have a knife to cut. I don't have a desire to overeat. I don't have a desire to commit suicide. I just want to be treated fairly with respect. And that ain't happening. I scream on the inside and go to Celebrate Recovery tonight. I plan on asking one of the ladies to be my sponsor. Lord knows I need someone who is further down the path of recovery than I am.

Meier Clinics and New Life Clinics gave me a new life. I'm not the only one.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Being Tested

Yesterday the attorney called who I wasn't sure would represent me in the appeal for SSD. He did something I didn't expect. He spent the first few minutes grilling me by asking questions using a semi-automatic gun method. I was so thrown by the speed of the questions and overwhelmed by the initial few minutes that I started crying and said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this." As I was about to hang up the phone he changed gears and reassured me that I was doing really good and to continue the conversation.

I felt a violated. I know that's a strange word to use when referring to a phone call but it's how I felt. He was screening me and I didn't know it. He made rude comments about how Carol's notes were no longer valid. That hurt my core. I reached a point all too quickly where I couldn't separate what he was saying from how I was feeling or make sense out of what was happening during the phone call. It was a clear sign that I am indeed mentally disabled.

I was so upset after wards that after hanging up the phone I burst into tears and cried for several minutes. A gut wrenching cry. I felt so hopeless, that I'm going to be this way forever. And if I am how do I deal with it? I used to be so smart. Could handle multiple concepts and conversations at one time and now...I can't.

As it turns out, this attorney rejects 70-80% of the people who call him. He said he would take my case. By this time I was numb. He gave me the name of my paralegal and attorney. He said if I couldn't reach either of them to give him a call. I guess I was supposed to feel better but all I could do was write down the information and cry.

I went to a friend's house after wards to make copies of documents I've been needing to mail. I continued crying about it with her. I went to see Jeff today and was still crying. It was so upsetting. I couldn't pinpoint what upset me and I'm still not sure I know. Maybe it's because in the last two weeks I've had to say, "Yes, I am disabled." I hear the words come out of my mouth and it baffles me. I really am disabled. I am mentally and physically disabled. I wonder what God is going to do with my life. I guess I wait.

For now, I do what I'm asked to do by this attorney. I trust that God sent him because he took my case and was referred to me by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. It's hard to see those words (mental illness) yet I know they fit me to a tee. Being disabled doesn't mean I am hopeless. It means I need help. Maybe that's what God is trying to get me...the help I need so I do not live in worry but live in faith.

Here's hoping. One day at a time.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Saul's Conversion or Pride?

Through the help of a friend I was able to attend one of our weekend services at church. It had been so long since I'd been able to get to one that I was excited to be well enough to go and be in a crowd of thousands. It's no coincidence my friend sits in the absolute very front row where the pastor is directly in front of you.

This weekend was B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Bible). He asked all of us to hold up our Bibles. He told us that reading 10 minutes a day will help me. It's the primary way God talks to me beside through the Holy Spirit. I've heard that often but something clicked when I heard it again.

Pastor Bill taught from Acts 9:1-19 (Saul's Conversion). He taught us how to take little morsels of God's word, identify key words of how God was speaking to His people then offered notes he would write down in his journal. It was great! Our homework for the week was to re-read the passage with our own journal and see how God speaks to us.

The TouchPoint Bible (the Bible I received from Judson College), is written for people who struggle with emotional issues. At the top of the page where Saul's conversion begins was a gray box called PRIDE. It caught my eye. It referenced a previous passage of scripture which is where I spent my time. Here's what it says:

"Phillip ran over and heard the man reading from the prophet Isaiah; so he asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?" The man replied, "How can I, when there is no one to instruct me?" And he begged Phillip to come up into the carriage and sit with him." (Acts 8:30-31)

The PRIDE box challenged me about asking for help. The Ethiopian man asked for help from Phillip. Do I ask for help when I need it or do I say to myself, "I can do it myself?" Through this disability I've been learning more and more about how to ask for help. First, I have to admit I need help. If I'm not humble enough to know I have a need than there's no way God can help me.

When I accepted Jesus into my heart, I knew I needed help. I knew the debt I owed in sin could not be satisfied by anything I did, said or had. I humbled myself, broken all over the bed crying my eyes out and on my knees asking Jesus to please forgive me and be my Savior. Now I ask Him to lead me by His Spirit as daily decisions get made or as I have to wait and wait and wait and wait.

I'll never be who I was before the disability. I like to think I'm becoming a better human being internally but externally I am very limited as to what I can and cannot do. Jesus knows this. Friends and people may not understand but it's not their name I call upon in times of trouble. It's Jesus.

What other Name is there?

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Rambo 4

Today was a day of rest, to watch all FOUR Rambo movies and eat my planned meals. My take away from the series is this:

God made us who we are.
Don't ignore it. Wrestle with it,
fight with it but in the end, accept it.


As Christians, we have certainty that God made us to bring Himself glory through our circumstances and through our lives. The blood of Jesus washed away our misgivings, our misunderstanding and our mistakes. We no longer live in the bondage of self.

Rambo had to come full circle with who he is. A full blooded combat soldier. Who among us in recovery has never felt that way? I know I have. Take up my cross and follow Him to the end of the age. No matter how heavy or how lonely or how hard at times it may be, I pick up the weight of the cross and carry it as Jesus did for me.

Rambo came home after his service in Vietnam to a country that hated him. He returned to Thailand where he felt he belonged, where his friends died. He lost all hope in the world. "The world never changes." Rambo struggled and didn't see the benefit of who God made him to be. A protector of people's freedom, of our freedom.

Then came a woman named Sarah Miller, a Christian missionary asking him to take their team into Burma so they can bring medical supplies and hope for a people living through 60 years of oppression and genocide. Sarah listened to the words he was saying about her "going home" but more importantly heard the anguish of his heart in what he did not say.

The beginning of what you're about to watch is difficult but truly depicts the savage violence that plagues Burma. From my work at Bright Hope, what's really happening is worse. Stay with it. If you do I think you'll find what Sarah says to Rambo very thought provoking. This link will take you to You Tube to watch the video. (Open another tab, come back to this page, copy the link then hit enter. If you want to see the movie full screen click on the button to the right of the time, sound and HQ buttons. It's red and will enlarge the picture as you increase the inner box size. Press escape to return to the normal size. When the movie clip is over, you can return to my blog.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oGx0OJnTjo

Did you hear it? "Maybe you've lost your faith in people but you must still be faithful to something. You must still care about something. Maybe we can't change what is but trying to save a life is not wasting your life, is it?"

That's the message of Jesus wrapped up in a few sentences. We are not supposed to place our faith in people but in Him. We can care about people but ultimately it is He in whom our faith lies. The suffering in this world will go on until the day of Christ's return. Until then we are commissioned by God to do what we can to help.

I pray you have a missionary, ministry or other outreach resource that risks their own lives for the sake of another. It's never a waste of our treasure or the lives of our friends to save a life and have that life transformed by the work of God into an eternal life.

Is it?

Don't let the theme fool you.
There's a peaceful ending to the movie.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Triggers and Reactions

While continuing to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I finished reading Chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism." Here's what I'm learning:

I am still easily triggered by words I still don't know how to filter through this addict and insecure brain/heart. I was at a friend's house last night and woke up from a brief nap with a painful headache. I overheard a phone conversation she was having. When I heard the words, "I can't come over now," I felt like a third wheel, in the way of someone elses happiness. Worst of all, I snowballed the feelings into her not wanting me to be there which was not the truth. In my upset, I almost ran home which in my condition was pure adrenalin and not at all wise. It was 10:30 at night, dark outside and the way home is not exactly lit well. I did not give my friend a chance to help me nor did I calm down enough by the time I got home to tell her what I was feeling.

The trigger was not feeling wanted.
The reaction was to runaway.
Those are all to familiar from my childhood.
Those are next to be healed.

Why is it when someone does nothing directly to us that we react so brokenly? Despite all the work I've continued to do I guess this one has slipped through the cracks. In the old days I would run away from the friendship and deem it too hard to deal with. When the truth is that I have to deal with myself, not my friend. She loves me as much as anyone has and wants to know what happened. I have to be humble enough and vulnerable to say what triggered me, how I felt and why I ran.

I don't like to think that I am different from anyone else either in my body or mentally. The truth is that I am and so are you. We may share common experiences but none of us shares the exact same feelings or reactions associated with those experiences.

I can find ways to cope that expose the pain instead of stifling it. As an Introvert, I tend to hide. Okay, I hide a lot. The Big Book says, "I am absolutely unable to stop this behavior on the basis of self-knowledge. I need God and the safe fellowship of others to help me out of the pit I crawled into."

This morning, I can write about it. Later today, I'll talk about it. I still have a headache and I still want to run but are those the best decisions that will lead me down the path of wholeness and happiness that God wants to give me? No.

Triggers and how I react to them are completely within my control. I need help at times because I get lost in the midst of them but I know as long as I allow God to change my heart, to repair my mind and to rebuild my brokenness, all will be well.

Not perfect, but well.

Friday, March 6, 2009

ISFJ - Personality Type

It's all about me...

ISFJ
The Nurturer
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging

, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Well-developed sense of space and function. Rich inner world of observations about people. Extremely perceptive of other's feelings. Interested in serving others.

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Rap Writing

Woke up this morning at the - break of day
Logged on to my Blog but I don't know what to say?
Got pains in my body - that just won't go away
So I push myself forward 'cause that's the only way.

Got bills piling up - all around me all I see
Are the dollar signs flashin' sayin', "What about me?"
So I grab all the envelopes sitting in their space
And I cre-ate a spreadsheet so they're outta my face.

I move very slowly to beat of this old drum
I know I know the words - but instead I start to hum
This beaten down body is tired and needs to rest
But appointments still await me so I get myself dressed.

I've lost 4 pounds in last 5 days
I know I can do it if I con-tinue to pray
Got my eyes set on God to help - get me through
Cause this fat's 'bout feelings, it ain't about the food!

Boo-yah! Boo-yah!
Boo-yah! Boo-yah!

Here's a group of guys who know how to put it down.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

One Foot In Front of the Other

The day started out well. Jeff and I talked about this past weekend, integration and other topics related to wholeness. I can see how far along I've come in the healing journey and see myself over the mountain of pain entering into the valley of peace and calm. I'm grateful to those who have traveled with me no matter how deep, how wide, how long or how high they've climbed.

Not being on all the medications I require is starting to take a toll. I felt it coming on late last week and today even more so. I'll be slowing down even more than I already have been and resting more than I already have been. I'm a little worried about the depression creeping back in along with the weakness in my body returning. The seizures are now weekly, the leg tremors are back and the headaches/migraines linger a little longer. It will be a great day when God provides for all the medications I need.

Until then, I continue to travel the road in front of me. One foot in front of the other, helped by the steadiness of a cane and the faithfulness of those praying for me.

Monday, March 2, 2009

One Day At A Time

I'm continuing to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous from the beginning. I read "There Is A Solution" last night. It's helping me with my own stinking thinking and is helping me see how much God as our Creator is woven into the 12 step groups. As I read I think about my Dad, too. The suffering of addiction is life taking when you don't find recovery via the 12 steps and a relationship with God. My Dad never had those benefits. Instead, he chose to walk that road alone and in that alone-ness, died in a way that he didn't have to - lonely.

My Dad and I are very similar in that way. In my addiction to food and starvation I live a life of secrecy out of embarrassment for being weak in an area I expect myself to be strong in. I've never been strong when it comes to maintaining a life where my emotions don't get stuffed with food so why do I expect myself to be any different? I think as a Christian I put that pressure on myself to "be good", to "obey God" and to "treat my body as His temple." I feel terrible when I fall, when I feel the weight packing itself back on and the dysfunctional cycle gets going again. So I asked God last night, "What do you want me to do? Just tell me and I'll do it."

I weighed myself this morning. Up another pound. Crap!
I pulled the emotional food out of my cabinets and refrigerator.
I prepared a measured meal with all five elements of the pyramid.
I decided to ask my dietitian for help with cravings.
I'm writing this on my blog so I can hear what I've been deafened to.

In the chapter I read last night there were words like shipwrecked, disaster, peril, cement and common solution. It talks of a way out, joyousness and harmony. There are different stages or types of addiction: social, moderate and hard. Then there was this question: "What about the REAL addict?"

I could relate to being puzzled by my behavior and lack of control. I do absurd, incredible, tragic things while trying to avoid scary feelings that are pushing and pushing to get released. I may look normal on the outside but on the inside I become dangerous to myself. I have the wrong approach to living a healthy life and instead of a well balanced and sensible life, I end up hurting myself.

I end up in the hospital with cuts all over my arms or stomach or other areas. I end up in the psych ward hearing the same thing over and over again. When does the insanity of my behavior stop? When I tell myself the truth about my addiction, my past, my pain and God's plan for complete healing. Not complete forgetting but complete freedom from the stains of someone else's sin I still carry on my body.

The solution is to not give up. Don't give into the lies that Satan influences about my never becoming a desirable, lovable and worthwhile person whom God can and is using to change lives. I don't want to live the life my Dad did. I want to live a life that is community bound, not isolated; is not controlled by the addiction but inspired by it to become a better person; and is focused on the forgiving, redeeming and forever love of Jesus Christ who died to set me free.

He doesn't want me to live in the shackles of obsessive eating. He wants me to live in the freedom of sensible eating and friction free feeling. That's what I want, too.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

What About Bob?



In the popular movie, "What About Bob," Bill Murray plays the part of a man with more than the average person's challenges. He drives his therapist to quit his practice. Bob is given a referral to Dr. Leo Marvin (played by Richard Dreyfus). The relationship between these two characters is so funny because it's about life's daily choices. Each baby step we take is going to lead us toward positive change or take us down the road to negative consequences.

Watch this clip and notice how Bob is progressing toward wholeness and Dr. Marvin regresses toward a mental breakdown:



So, what's the take away from this movie? For me, it's the reality that I have mental and emotional challenges that prevent me from working and cause insecurity in my relationships including the relationships with my therapists. I know I have problems but I'm willing to do the hard work. I show up, I speak up and I shut up. Part of learning from others who know what they are doing is to listen. And part of listening to others is knowing where they are coming from. And part of knowing where they are coming from is knowing they are here to help, not to hurt.

Bob? He's my hero.
Dr. Marvin? He's my hero, too.
Bob learned he's lovable and is capable of overcoming his fears by taking baby steps.
Dr. Marvin (God love him) learned you can't get rid of someone God has put into your path to teach you how to become a better human being.

And in the end, isn't that what you and I are striving toward? To reduce our fears and learn from others like Jesus taught us to do? God doesn't make mistakes when he hooks up hearts. Friends can be our sailing coaches but we have to get on the boat. Jesus is the safety gear we strap on. His calm water is where I long to be.

I pray is where you long to be, too.



Yes friends, keep sailing!!!!