1, 2, 3, 4, Seizures

From WebMD regarding Absence Seizures, the type I have:

How Can I Prevent Absence Seizures?
Currently there is no way to prevent absence seizures because most cases have no known cause.

That would be the exact definition for my situation.

I had the worst seizure Wednesday night. I called a friend as soon as it began. She dialed 911 immediately. They were there to witness what was going on. By the time they got there I was responsive but unable to form words. I was rushed to the hospital and I shook all over but not given any medication.

Before I reached the hospital, I went into an absence seizure. I could hear some of what was going on around me but could only respond by blinking or a mild hand squeeze. I was hooked up to an IV, given Ativan (A seizure medication) then after an hour and fifteen minutes, it was like I snapped out of it. I sat up, looked at all the tubes hooked up to me and asked my friend what happened and what was I doing here.

She filled me in. The doctor came in, decided to admit me so off to a room I went. The next morning I complained of feeling shaky inside then had another seizure. Nurses were shaking me trying to prevent the absence seizure but I could feel my eyes becoming fixated. They immediately called the neurologist who said to give me Ativan. Once I was back to "normal" they told me I was being moved to ICU so they could monitor me better.

During that same day, the EEG they ran caused another seizure but didn't show an epileptic seizure. I already knew I didn't have those.

I ended up having another seizure (3 in one day) but that one I don't remember.

The next day I had a brain MRI (I've had lots of those), an EKG and an Echo cardiogram to check my heart. All's good.

Next step is to see a Neurologist specialist downtown.

I picked out this song from Michael Jackson because if you listen to the words, like some of his music, I believe you hear how lonely he was and how close he wanted to feel to God. That's in the second song.

Inside

When you look inside and all you feel is pain,
It's time to die.
When your therapist tells you cutting no longer works to take away your pain,
It's time to die.
When your psychiatrist tells you the medication is going to take time to work,
You look up toward heaven longing to die.

You protect yourself from all unsafe people.
I hide in my house.
I call no one.
If I have another seizure, I call 911, not a friend.

I can handle this on my own.
I don't want to die.
My thoughts tell me to kill myself.
I just want to be left alone.

What's wrong with that?

What Now Lord?

Dear God,

I'm numb. I'm lost inside. I can't find my way out. It's dark, cold and lonely. I feel an evil presence around me. I'm scared but have no where safe to go. There's no light to guide me.

I hear noises. Footsteps. Breathing. He's getting closer. I freeze and stop breathing. The noises stop. They move off in another direction. I am safe for now.

I begin to move again. But I am fooled. He was waiting for me. All along his evil was waiting for me.

It was a night I shall never remember, a night I shall never forget. One of many, one of few. One of tears and pain, one of silence and disassociation.

I shall never speak of it, I shall never give voice to them. Words cannot describe the experience, no adjective is suitable.

Amy

Pains In My Side

My knees are healing from the fall last week.
Now my side is aching like another kidney stone is going to pass.
Doesn't my body know how to take a break?

I'm at the ER at least once a month for something.
Something legitimate.
Something where I need medical attention.
Something that involves the paramedics, friends or both.

I'm discouraged that my physical body is so broken.
I'm discouraged it's taking so long to get things fixed.
I'm discouraged Social Security and Medicaid seem to be messed up.
I'm discouraged I won't make it.

I try not to lose faith or hope.
I try not to focus on the cutting I've done to my body.
I try not to be negative when God has given so much to me.
I try to be grateful for my friends and family.

But today I have a sharp pain in my side.
I want to lay down on my bed and have someone I love rub my back.
Rub my back until I cry myself to sleep.
So I can feel loved, really loved, safe and protected.

I want the one God is giving me to heal the past. I want Jill. The one who sacrificially drives up in the middle of the night to hold me as I shake and cry, then I go into a seizure then she and my friends call 911 to get me to the hospital. I want my friend who loves me and will always be here for me. The one where our friendship is reciprocal and our love for Jesus and prayer is a cord that cannot be broken.

My pain will subside one way or another.
One way or another, it always subsides.

Explosions

New medications, explosions in my head.
Random thoughts of suicide, no thoughts of being dead.

Medications have side effects, this I've long forgotten.
When I want to flee or freeze at night, I get the help I've gotten.

I wake up at eight, take my meds, then sleep until noon.
I hope this chemical transition passes on soon.

The day times are difficult, the night times more so.
I cling to a special pillow that reminds me of a friend's love and I don't let go.

Once I called someone and she spent the night.
I kept waking up to make sure she was there and I'd be alright.

I don't know if God will release this from my life.
I'm learning how to handle it better though at times I use my knife.
He doesn't expect me to be perfect, to walk this road alone.
He wants to walk with me so I reach out with little hands and little bones.

The beginning.