Admit Your Emotions - Sadness

When a friendship dies but the person is not gone,
Strong feelings of sadness and grief tend to linger on.
You've already apologized so you're side of the street is cleansed.
They say it's because your "mentally unstable" but you know the truth.
They can't be around you anymore because their codependency doesn't know what to do.

So they bad mouth you to their friends so they come out smelling clean.
They deny any wrong doing and make you look unclean.
Their friends shout, "Get away quickly while you still can!"
So your friend jumps in the water and swims as fast as she can.

She doesn't have the decency to tell you it's her own fault,
To tell you it's her own issues that caused your heart to jolt.
Instead she blames you, lies to herself, and to others.
Her therapist, her friends, her pastor and daughter.

So what do you do when someone swims away?
You make sure you follow through on the conciliation process before they get away.
Cause even if the friendship is not meant to be,
Let there be peace...and let her swim free.

Dedicated to Stephanie:



Lyrics:

Where there is love there is a peace
And in the cages that bind the bitter heart it is release
Hold it close to your chest, let it move and let it rest
For it is here to set your mind at ease
Where there is love there is a peace

Where there is hope there is a dream
To rise above, to remit and to redeem
To go back, to go where there's no hurt or anger there
To find the song that you once could sing
Where there is hope there is a dream

Where there is faith there is a chance
To alter the course and fight the winds of circumstance
Not to scar, but to mend, not to break, but to bend
And not to know but to understand
Where there is faith there is a chance
Where there is hope there is a dream
Where there is love there is a peace

Simply Today

Happy Birthday Dad

Dear Dad,

It's been years since I've seen you on your birthday or sent you a card. A couple of days ago I found myself crying because I thought I'd spend the day with you today. Buy you a card, go fishing, find something that could be your urn (because your wife still won't let us see your actual urn), burn a couple packs of Lucky Strikes (unfiltered) for your ashes then set it someplace peaceful.

Now that the day has arrived, it's like any other day. I still think of you. I wish I could give you a card but I'm not sure what to do. I might be visiting a friend in the hospital. When I went to pick out something that looked like an urn I got so choked up I had to put it back. Today is not the day you died. Today is the day you were born.

Born into a sinful world that gave you a hard life. A life you did not deserve just like the life I did not deserve. In many ways we were brought up the same way. Your father's addiction to alcoholism as well as your own, your sexual dysfunction and physical abuse have had everlasting effects on both of us. I believe you have been healed by our Heavenly Father just as I am being healed.

I could not honor you when you were alive. There was too much hurt and too much abuse. We were strangers by the time you died. Now that you have gone on into eternity I can honor you in death.

You see Dad, today used to be your day. But now it is my day. It's my day to either remember you with whatever emotion and expression the Spirit brings to my heart or it's my day to not remember you at all. And that's living in the freedom Christ gives us when our abuser is no longer living or able to hurt us ever again.

I still don't know what I'm going to do or whose day it is. You've only been gone 18 months so this is all new to me. This I do know: I love you, I miss you, I wish we could spend the day fishing together then go to Sam's Club afterward for a hot dog and Coke like we used to.

That would be a perfect way to spend the day with you on your birthday. And yes, I know, you'd want a sentimental card with a Menard's gift card in it!! I'll always remember that one.

Your loving daughter,
Amy

Truth

Poetry is written in many ways like wine.
Some express thoughts through rhythm and rhyme.
Others express feelings through experiences over time.
All are valuable when you pick from the vine.

The tree of knowledge is mysterious and out of reach,
For those of us who suffer from chemical imbalances,
Living an easy life is not easy to preach.
But is there no hope for those of us with this dis-ease?
In the end there is always hope,
For it is our God we hope to please.

So in our suffering no matter how scary we become,
We'd rather have you come toward us than turn away and run.
And in those times of uncertainty when suicide is mentioned,
Please understand it's a chemical imbalance,
Not something we purposefully intention.

But if it should happen by accident for sure,
Do not blame yourselves, but the disease that has no cure.

Diabetes

When a dear friend has a diabetic coma with physical pain,
It's hard to watch them fight for their lives and want to live again.
It puts in perspective the lives we all live,
Some of us are stronger - some have no more to give.

My friend and I struggle with mental illness unknown,
To many outsiders we look normal as the day we were born.
But inside lurks a monster waiting to get his due,
We have to stay alert otherwise we are doomed.

Prayers go up to the Father of all creation,
Asking for protection, healing and other words in summation.
Does the God of Heaven know what mental illness is all about?
Of course he does, look at Judas, who hung himself!

In closing I say don't worry about the facts.
For the facts don't mean anything when there's no one to listen.

This Is Not That Day

Another day passes as I lay in bed,
Tossing and turning this crap in my head.
An appt to see a neuropsychiatrist on the 17th,
Is that all I need? Will that bring relief?

I see my therapist on Thursday,
That day can't come sooner.
So I stay in my bed, watch movies and slumber.
There are times I shake, I tremble, I have a headache and more,
But I hold fast to His mercy cuz it's worth fighting for.

There's part of me that want's to give up this fight.
To turn it all in and swallow the spite.
But I know God doesn't want me to at least not yet.
So I cling to his armor and to the battlefield I set.

Jesus didn't promise a life of ease.
He promised to be with us if that's what we please.
So I curl into my covers, shake, rock and cry.
Knowing my Savior already bled and died.

The suicidal thoughts still dance in my head,
Calling my name to a dark place instead.
But my faith in God is stronger than death,
For he called me to a higher purpose,
And that takes life and breath.

I don't want to talk to anyone,
I don't want to explain.
I want to be by myself,
So I can figure out this pain.

Besides, no one can help me.
Not really. It's my own journey.
One I must travel alone.

Suicide

Go find rest my weary soul,
In a place where others cannot go.
One that is quiet, restful and pure,
A place that's exquisite and offers a cure.

The mental distress the physical stress,
The mental fights the physical flights,
The mental freezers the physical seizures,
All locked up in one storage unit - the brain.

Neurotransmitters up and down,
Serotonin running around,
Nor-epinephrine shouting things out,
I am deaf to the them all as I am fading out.

What does one do when all else is failing?
They write a note that says "It's not anyone's fault."
And hope they keep prevailing.
But if something happens, like suicide instead.
I have to be honest and say it would feel good to be dead.

I love my family, I love my friends, I love my church and I love God.
But the mental roller coaster I'm on is too long of a ride with no end in site.
I've battled this for years and without it being said,
I know God understands how I feel even when I feel I want to be dead.

I can't take the pain, I can't take the suffering,
I can't take the relational losses and I can't take the setbacks.
I love my nephews and nieces with all my heart, I love my family who has always been there for me, I love what few friends I have left and I love God who promises to never leave me. I have a giant called manic depression, mental illness, and many folks don't make it in this life. Many are Christians and just can't do it. I've been fighting for so long - group therapy, individual therapy, etc. I've worked my butt off and still I feel no different. Others have left because they can't handle it, either. Who can blame them? I don't want to be in my skin either.

Is this a suicide note? I don't know. It will be if I commit suicide. But for now, I stay alive. I don't know how and I don't know why.