As this blog comes to an end I want to thank those of you who read it.
I will be starting another blog. You will be notified personally of it's address. It will be restricted to certain readers.
I don't know if the purpose or content will change all that much. I've changed over the last three years and believe God is still in the process of completing a good work in me.
My best to you in the future.
Amy
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Ask for Healing
Dear God,
You already know the condition of my heart. You already know the condition of my mind. You already know the condition of my will. You already know the condition of my soul.
You've been with me in therapy with Carol. You've been with me as I sob tears of grief and loss. You've been with me as I accept what I cannot change. You've been with me in my aloneness.
You've directed my path to the book of Hosea. You've directed my path to Victory Over The Darkness. You've directed my path to He Is. You've directed my path to rest well.
You know the dreams I've been experiencing. You know the pseudo seizures have returned with intensity and longevity. You know I'm afraid to be around groups of people. You know I'm afraid of the meeting on the 23rd.
You know my heart. You know my mind. You know the condition of my physical limitations. You know the chemicals in my brain are fuzzy at best.
I know you love me. I know you are teaching me more about who you are and who you are not. I know you are sending words of wisdom from mature women in Christ. I know you are in control of my life and have goals preset that will be achieved.
As hard as this season is, I pray for you to heal my former friends. I pray for you to heal my heart from those hurts. I pray for you to heal the hearts of the ones who are helping me through this. I pray for you to heal and comfort those who are diagnosed with cancer and dying from cancer. I pray for their families, friends and caretakers. So much disease, so much death - my friends hearts are aching.
You alone are the one I praise. You alone are the one I fully trust. You alone are the one who can heal me emotionally. You alone know all of the broken pieces and hold them in your tender hands of mercy and grace.
Please heal me emotionally. No matter how hard it gets, please grant me the courage to walk in your direction, talk to your people and hold my pillow while I rock myself in a fetal position. Remind me that you have me in your hands and you will never drop me.
Love and adoration for the Most High God,
Amy Kathleen
You already know the condition of my heart. You already know the condition of my mind. You already know the condition of my will. You already know the condition of my soul.
You've been with me in therapy with Carol. You've been with me as I sob tears of grief and loss. You've been with me as I accept what I cannot change. You've been with me in my aloneness.
You've directed my path to the book of Hosea. You've directed my path to Victory Over The Darkness. You've directed my path to He Is. You've directed my path to rest well.
You know the dreams I've been experiencing. You know the pseudo seizures have returned with intensity and longevity. You know I'm afraid to be around groups of people. You know I'm afraid of the meeting on the 23rd.
You know my heart. You know my mind. You know the condition of my physical limitations. You know the chemicals in my brain are fuzzy at best.
I know you love me. I know you are teaching me more about who you are and who you are not. I know you are sending words of wisdom from mature women in Christ. I know you are in control of my life and have goals preset that will be achieved.
As hard as this season is, I pray for you to heal my former friends. I pray for you to heal my heart from those hurts. I pray for you to heal the hearts of the ones who are helping me through this. I pray for you to heal and comfort those who are diagnosed with cancer and dying from cancer. I pray for their families, friends and caretakers. So much disease, so much death - my friends hearts are aching.
You alone are the one I praise. You alone are the one I fully trust. You alone are the one who can heal me emotionally. You alone know all of the broken pieces and hold them in your tender hands of mercy and grace.
Please heal me emotionally. No matter how hard it gets, please grant me the courage to walk in your direction, talk to your people and hold my pillow while I rock myself in a fetal position. Remind me that you have me in your hands and you will never drop me.
Love and adoration for the Most High God,
Amy Kathleen
Friday, November 6, 2009
Forgive the Person
Dear God,
Because of your forgiveness to me, I forgive Jill for her offenses. She hurt me deeply by making promises she could not keep. I believe she is projecting her past onto me and for that I cannot do anything. So Lord, if that's the way you want to use me so she can heal from that terrible wound, please continue to use me. I want what's best for her and right now it's for the two of us to not be in each others lives.
I want to thank you for letting me have her as a friend for the short time she was here. She made a huge impact in my life. She was sweet, caring, sacrificing, truthful and yes, I do believe she loved me as best she knew how.
Please forgive me for the ways I hurt her. Most of all my immature communication. God, I forgive myself for not knowing how to react to people who want to be close to me and help me. I forgive myself for lashing out at this disease and blaming myself for having it. I forgive myself for self-inflicted marks I've made permanent on my / your body. I forgive myself for not always knowing what to do in complicated circumstances.
God, even though I don't understand why you've allowed so much pain in my life, I forgive you. I can no longer blame you for the sin of Adam and Eve who, by fulfilling their own self-will, imposed disease and brokenness on all of humanity.
Please teach me how to love myself and others when true love is sometimes so painful to hang in there. Teach me who to let go of, who to keep, who to trust and who to fully trust. I am ignorant in this area and I ask for your help.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Because of your forgiveness to me, I forgive Jill for her offenses. She hurt me deeply by making promises she could not keep. I believe she is projecting her past onto me and for that I cannot do anything. So Lord, if that's the way you want to use me so she can heal from that terrible wound, please continue to use me. I want what's best for her and right now it's for the two of us to not be in each others lives.
I want to thank you for letting me have her as a friend for the short time she was here. She made a huge impact in my life. She was sweet, caring, sacrificing, truthful and yes, I do believe she loved me as best she knew how.
Please forgive me for the ways I hurt her. Most of all my immature communication. God, I forgive myself for not knowing how to react to people who want to be close to me and help me. I forgive myself for lashing out at this disease and blaming myself for having it. I forgive myself for self-inflicted marks I've made permanent on my / your body. I forgive myself for not always knowing what to do in complicated circumstances.
God, even though I don't understand why you've allowed so much pain in my life, I forgive you. I can no longer blame you for the sin of Adam and Eve who, by fulfilling their own self-will, imposed disease and brokenness on all of humanity.
Please teach me how to love myself and others when true love is sometimes so painful to hang in there. Teach me who to let go of, who to keep, who to trust and who to fully trust. I am ignorant in this area and I ask for your help.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Confess My Sin To God
Dear God,
I confess the sin of immature expression of anger, destructive thoughts to her vehicle, bitterness that her leadership position outranked my value as a participant, feelings of superiority, and self-pity that I lost another relationship because of my mental illness.
I think I'm also ticked off at you because you gave me this brain chemical problem but I'm learning to accept it as another thorn in my flesh. It cuts off the people who love me and I allow it to do that. I don't know how to integrate people or educate them about mental illness. I feel resentful toward them because they either don't understand, don't want to understand, stay away from me because my behavior scares them or they leave me when they said they loved me.
I don't trust as easily as I used to, even the people who've known me for many years. I hate liars and people who want to be friends when it's convenient for them, doesn't ask them to change or reach out, and don't want me around their kids because of it. I really resent it. But I can't change it.
I guess Lord, I have to trust you first in all things. No matter how painful these relationships become, I can't pretend everything is okay or will go back to the way it used to be. It can't. I'm not the same and have to be very careful and guarded with my time, energy and emotions.
For now, I am who I am. Sin and all. I ask for your forgiveness of these sins and to teach me how to be more like Christ. Patient, slow to anger, quick to forgive, and to listen or ponder the words being said. I am weak in those areas and need your strength to become strong.
Love Amy
I confess the sin of immature expression of anger, destructive thoughts to her vehicle, bitterness that her leadership position outranked my value as a participant, feelings of superiority, and self-pity that I lost another relationship because of my mental illness.
I think I'm also ticked off at you because you gave me this brain chemical problem but I'm learning to accept it as another thorn in my flesh. It cuts off the people who love me and I allow it to do that. I don't know how to integrate people or educate them about mental illness. I feel resentful toward them because they either don't understand, don't want to understand, stay away from me because my behavior scares them or they leave me when they said they loved me.
I don't trust as easily as I used to, even the people who've known me for many years. I hate liars and people who want to be friends when it's convenient for them, doesn't ask them to change or reach out, and don't want me around their kids because of it. I really resent it. But I can't change it.
I guess Lord, I have to trust you first in all things. No matter how painful these relationships become, I can't pretend everything is okay or will go back to the way it used to be. It can't. I'm not the same and have to be very careful and guarded with my time, energy and emotions.
For now, I am who I am. Sin and all. I ask for your forgiveness of these sins and to teach me how to be more like Christ. Patient, slow to anger, quick to forgive, and to listen or ponder the words being said. I am weak in those areas and need your strength to become strong.
Love Amy
Sunday, November 1, 2009
It Is What It Is
I hate unresolved conflict in relationships.
I hate people who send messages through others.
I hate being confronted by someone who knows nothing about the situation.
I hate leaders who hide from uncomfortable circumstances.
I hate, I hate, I hate being given a broken heart for the sake of someone else's dysfunction.
I love God.
I love God's word.
I love that He uses pain to grow me.
I love the fact that HE IS who He says HE IS.
I love, love, love being given a second chance when I screw up when people on this earth can't conceive of such a thought.
---------------------------------------------------------
With this ring,
I thee wed,
My Savior Jesus,
Whose blood was shed,
To set me free from a life in hell,
Locked inside a corpse's shell.
He gave me breath,
He gave me strife,
He promised to us,
Eternal Life.
This ring I wear is not for show,
It's to remind me of my Savior,
Who created me long ago.
He's given me purpose,
Somedays it's hard to find.
But I know with God as my Father,
I'm always on His mind.
So no matter what my mood,
No matter what the pain,
I'll bring it to my Savior,
Again and again.
I hate people who send messages through others.
I hate being confronted by someone who knows nothing about the situation.
I hate leaders who hide from uncomfortable circumstances.
I hate, I hate, I hate being given a broken heart for the sake of someone else's dysfunction.
I love God.
I love God's word.
I love that He uses pain to grow me.
I love the fact that HE IS who He says HE IS.
I love, love, love being given a second chance when I screw up when people on this earth can't conceive of such a thought.
---------------------------------------------------------
With this ring,
I thee wed,
My Savior Jesus,
Whose blood was shed,
To set me free from a life in hell,
Locked inside a corpse's shell.
He gave me breath,
He gave me strife,
He promised to us,
Eternal Life.
This ring I wear is not for show,
It's to remind me of my Savior,
Who created me long ago.
He's given me purpose,
Somedays it's hard to find.
But I know with God as my Father,
I'm always on His mind.
So no matter what my mood,
No matter what the pain,
I'll bring it to my Savior,
Again and again.
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