Dear God,
An empty closet, lightless and old.
Wanting no one to find me, touch me nor hold.
Shadowy figures I hear walking by,
Trying to find me but I'm hiding inside.
I've hidden myself in the only place I've known,
A closet with doors, I know where to go.
The shadow is roaming, I hear footsteps outside.
I stay silent, barely breathing, til the peace arrives.
I think it is safe, I crawl into bed.
But the shadow returns and I'm violated instead.
I thought I'd waited long enough for him to leave.
But I was mistaken, again I am besieged.
Each time it happens I am helpless and alone.
I disassociate to places I'd like to call home.
I see myself hoovering over my bed.
This shadow is hurting me, I'm in pain and I bled.
The little ones inside are too scared to come out.
They are safely protected by a cloud of doubt.
They don't trust anyone, they don't trust me.
I understand why, I understand how that can be.
So I give them to you, Lord, though barely I let go,
For I know you are good and you will help them grow.
Some are fragile, some are weak and some are strong.
But most of them are scared, don't let this decision be wrong.
Come to me Lord and fill this empty hole.
I am willing to do the work but I need your hand to hold.
A hand that is gentle and created the dove.
One that won't hurt me, but heals with love.
In Jesus Name,
Amy
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Final Raw
Dear God,
As I met with Jeff yesterday, I was talking about the ideas you'd given me. One was to increase the anxiety meds before going to bed. The other was to choose a different CD to listen to. As I prepared the couch as my bed, layed down my head and began the process of relaxation these thoughts came into my mind:
I began to feel scared again. I visualized Jesus wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I visualized Jill doing the same thing. I put myself in the center of the trinity and gathered together all of my little girls. I brought each of them, including Erik to me so I could wrap my arms around them. I told them they were going to be safe. Jill, Jeff and others were going to help me be more nurturing toward them so they weren't so scared. They all seemed to relax, especially the littlest ones. The older ones were hopeful but thankfully not defiant or skeptical. Even Erik seemed okay to let this big change happen.
You see, it's all about integration. Taking all those broken people inside who never had a voice and giving them the opportunity to speak, to cry, to get angry, to remember horrible acts against their bodies - all of it. It's time for all of us, myself included, to be fully complete lacking nothing.
Here's a poem you may have heard before. It came to mind as I began writing:
LET GO AND LET GOD!
As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."
- Author: Lauretta P. Burns -
There comes a time in our lives when the hardest thing to do is to let the pain out and let God heal the wounds that are so deep and scary. The ones that make you want to harm your own body so the truth doesn't ever come out. But in reality, the truth does come out. In all sorts of directions, in all sorts of choices, in all sorts of behaviors.
I'm learning in this process that God wants the truth to come out. All of it. The ugliness of it, the secrecy, the sobs, the victimization, the control men had over me at such a young age, the rawness of all of it. For this day and probably many days to come, it shall be so.
I ask for your courage and your strength, Lord. I can't do this without you.
Love Amy
There's a 16 second sound delay:
As I met with Jeff yesterday, I was talking about the ideas you'd given me. One was to increase the anxiety meds before going to bed. The other was to choose a different CD to listen to. As I prepared the couch as my bed, layed down my head and began the process of relaxation these thoughts came into my mind:
I began to feel scared again. I visualized Jesus wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I visualized Jill doing the same thing. I put myself in the center of the trinity and gathered together all of my little girls. I brought each of them, including Erik to me so I could wrap my arms around them. I told them they were going to be safe. Jill, Jeff and others were going to help me be more nurturing toward them so they weren't so scared. They all seemed to relax, especially the littlest ones. The older ones were hopeful but thankfully not defiant or skeptical. Even Erik seemed okay to let this big change happen.
You see, it's all about integration. Taking all those broken people inside who never had a voice and giving them the opportunity to speak, to cry, to get angry, to remember horrible acts against their bodies - all of it. It's time for all of us, myself included, to be fully complete lacking nothing.
Here's a poem you may have heard before. It came to mind as I began writing:
LET GO AND LET GOD!
As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."
- Author: Lauretta P. Burns -
There comes a time in our lives when the hardest thing to do is to let the pain out and let God heal the wounds that are so deep and scary. The ones that make you want to harm your own body so the truth doesn't ever come out. But in reality, the truth does come out. In all sorts of directions, in all sorts of choices, in all sorts of behaviors.
I'm learning in this process that God wants the truth to come out. All of it. The ugliness of it, the secrecy, the sobs, the victimization, the control men had over me at such a young age, the rawness of all of it. For this day and probably many days to come, it shall be so.
I ask for your courage and your strength, Lord. I can't do this without you.
Love Amy
There's a 16 second sound delay:
Friday, May 29, 2009
Raw #8
Dear God,
I wish the nights were easier. I wish the trauma would leave me alone. I wish the body memories would push their way through so they can be done. I hope I have the courage to not cut during all this.
Sleep eludes me. Hour by hour. Even calling Jill doesn't help. Watching a movie doesn't help. Listening to quiet music doesn't help. I roll all over the bed, in all sorts of positions. Smashed against the wall, fetal positions, rocking myself, holding onto my pillow, yet no noises.
This time, there are no noises coming out of me. No cries from the little girls. Maybe that's what's not happening. They are trapped inside and can't get out to be healed. They are thrashing but they don't have a voice.
I have a voice. I need to help them. They are not alone. Not anymore. They used to cry, cries of helplessness and physical pain. But now, the little ones are so scared. Erik is here. I am here. They need reassurance that they will never be hurt again. Ages 4-14. All of them, including Erik.
It's my job to integrate a voice for all of them. One by one, come to me my little ones. Then one day, we shall experience sleep like never before.
That's my prayer, God.
Love Amy
Lyrics are below:
Oh I feel so tired
I cannot hardly keep open my eyes
My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word
And I can't seem to remember anything
I've learned
Well do you have some of those days
When you can't be who you want to be
When you just need to close your eyes
Pull the covers up so high and drift away
And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly
Now I feel so alive
A sense of movement slowed and somehow my tongue's tied
My thoughts are shattered and they're making the stars in the sky
And I've never felt so speechless in my life
Well do you have some of those days
When you just need, you just need to be
When you just need to shut your mouth
And close your eyes and breathe in and out and drift away
And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly
Sleep, yeah so soundly
And dream, just dream
Profoundly (sleep)
So sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
I wish the nights were easier. I wish the trauma would leave me alone. I wish the body memories would push their way through so they can be done. I hope I have the courage to not cut during all this.
Sleep eludes me. Hour by hour. Even calling Jill doesn't help. Watching a movie doesn't help. Listening to quiet music doesn't help. I roll all over the bed, in all sorts of positions. Smashed against the wall, fetal positions, rocking myself, holding onto my pillow, yet no noises.
This time, there are no noises coming out of me. No cries from the little girls. Maybe that's what's not happening. They are trapped inside and can't get out to be healed. They are thrashing but they don't have a voice.
I have a voice. I need to help them. They are not alone. Not anymore. They used to cry, cries of helplessness and physical pain. But now, the little ones are so scared. Erik is here. I am here. They need reassurance that they will never be hurt again. Ages 4-14. All of them, including Erik.
It's my job to integrate a voice for all of them. One by one, come to me my little ones. Then one day, we shall experience sleep like never before.
That's my prayer, God.
Love Amy
Lyrics are below:
Oh I feel so tired
I cannot hardly keep open my eyes
My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word
And I can't seem to remember anything
I've learned
Well do you have some of those days
When you can't be who you want to be
When you just need to close your eyes
Pull the covers up so high and drift away
And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly
Now I feel so alive
A sense of movement slowed and somehow my tongue's tied
My thoughts are shattered and they're making the stars in the sky
And I've never felt so speechless in my life
Well do you have some of those days
When you just need, you just need to be
When you just need to shut your mouth
And close your eyes and breathe in and out and drift away
And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly
Sleep, yeah so soundly
And dream, just dream
Profoundly (sleep)
So sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Raw #7
Dear God,
I don't know where to begin. Last night's trauma was the worst one yet. Or at least in the last year or so.
It was a hard day to get through. I thought I'd be okay going to CR but it turns out I was triggered as soon as I walked through the door. I walked right past our woman's meeting room and right into the kitchen. I had a knife flash through my head so I pretended to be looking at CR materials in a cabinet. Afterwards, I walked into a room that had historical pictures on the wall. I looked at all these godly men who served the church in pastoral roles. I thought about my home church. There's been one senior pastor.
I began to feel something in my spirit that was scaring me. Like when CR started, I could walk out of the church and walk home. But I had this major fear inside that needed to feel safe. I hid in a closet and my safety level went from a two to a ten. I felt rested and relaxed. As I was in the darkness a thought occurred to me. What if they are wondering where I am and come looking for me? Certainly that wouldn't happen. They would just figure I was doing something else and I would eventually show up.
But I kept hearing footsteps in the outside hallway walking back and forth. I could hear my sponsor walking back and forth. I was secluded and safe until the unthinkable happened. Someone opened my door. And there I stood. Exposed. My safe place was no longer safe. I was told people were looking for me and worried about me. I said I was fine. I was asked if I wanted my sponsor. I wanted to walk home but no one was going to let me do that so I opted for my sponsor.
What happened for the long minutes with Jill were surreal. I stood in a corner unable to stop shaking and shedding tears. Erik arrived and protected my kids. I called on him. I felt stronger like I could physically take Jill out in order to walk home but I knew that would cause more problems. It also isn't what I truly wanted to do - it was an emotional response to my safety being compromised. She was there trying to help me, not hurt me. She asked where I was on a scale of 1-10. I was a 4.
I remember starring at the wall for a long time. Like I wasn't there. I was fading into an abyss, void of all emotion. Was it disassociation? If it was I'd never been that far gone for so long. I kept wanting to walk home, walk home, just walk home. By myself, walk home. No place was safe but I kept wanting to walk home. Jill was not going to let that happen. When I asked why, she said it was to dangerous and she couldn't let me. I'd be fine. I tried to tell her that but she didn't believe me. I'd runaway so many times before. I'd walked on busy roads and always kept myself far from the street. I'd be fine. I'd done it before. I lived.
She asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I told her no (in a far off voice). There are signs I know when I can discern if I need to be hospitalized. Suicidal thoughts, brain chemicals noticeably not working, hopelessness. None of those were present. Plus I don't have my knife at home. It's a special knife I use to cut but I didn't have it so I wouldn't cut. She asked if she could call Jeff. I gave her his phone number.
I continued standing for a long time not letting her get anywhere near me. Nobody was allowed to come near me or touch me. For the third or fourth time she asked if I wanted to sit down. I agreed the last time. She scooted away from me so I would feel safe. She asked if I wanted to go home (she'd drive me or she'd get Pam), I mentioned maybe I should go into the meeting and she said that would be okay, too. I decided to let her drive me home.
I said nothing on the 25 minute drive. I didn't feel safe so I sat as close to the door as possible. She gave me my space and did not invade it. She promised she wouldn't talk to me or touch me. She kept her promise. Before I got out of the car she asked again where I was on a scale of 1-10. It took a lot of thought to concentrate. I was still a 4.
I said thanks then went into my house. I turned off my phone, crawled into bed and had more nightmares. I'd escaped from the church and was running so no one could catch me. The police had been called but I outsmarted them. I ran away and never came back.
Amy
Jill kept telling me this as I was with her. This song ends earlier than the time shown. There are no pictures...
I don't know where to begin. Last night's trauma was the worst one yet. Or at least in the last year or so.
It was a hard day to get through. I thought I'd be okay going to CR but it turns out I was triggered as soon as I walked through the door. I walked right past our woman's meeting room and right into the kitchen. I had a knife flash through my head so I pretended to be looking at CR materials in a cabinet. Afterwards, I walked into a room that had historical pictures on the wall. I looked at all these godly men who served the church in pastoral roles. I thought about my home church. There's been one senior pastor.
I began to feel something in my spirit that was scaring me. Like when CR started, I could walk out of the church and walk home. But I had this major fear inside that needed to feel safe. I hid in a closet and my safety level went from a two to a ten. I felt rested and relaxed. As I was in the darkness a thought occurred to me. What if they are wondering where I am and come looking for me? Certainly that wouldn't happen. They would just figure I was doing something else and I would eventually show up.
But I kept hearing footsteps in the outside hallway walking back and forth. I could hear my sponsor walking back and forth. I was secluded and safe until the unthinkable happened. Someone opened my door. And there I stood. Exposed. My safe place was no longer safe. I was told people were looking for me and worried about me. I said I was fine. I was asked if I wanted my sponsor. I wanted to walk home but no one was going to let me do that so I opted for my sponsor.
What happened for the long minutes with Jill were surreal. I stood in a corner unable to stop shaking and shedding tears. Erik arrived and protected my kids. I called on him. I felt stronger like I could physically take Jill out in order to walk home but I knew that would cause more problems. It also isn't what I truly wanted to do - it was an emotional response to my safety being compromised. She was there trying to help me, not hurt me. She asked where I was on a scale of 1-10. I was a 4.
I remember starring at the wall for a long time. Like I wasn't there. I was fading into an abyss, void of all emotion. Was it disassociation? If it was I'd never been that far gone for so long. I kept wanting to walk home, walk home, just walk home. By myself, walk home. No place was safe but I kept wanting to walk home. Jill was not going to let that happen. When I asked why, she said it was to dangerous and she couldn't let me. I'd be fine. I tried to tell her that but she didn't believe me. I'd runaway so many times before. I'd walked on busy roads and always kept myself far from the street. I'd be fine. I'd done it before. I lived.
She asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I told her no (in a far off voice). There are signs I know when I can discern if I need to be hospitalized. Suicidal thoughts, brain chemicals noticeably not working, hopelessness. None of those were present. Plus I don't have my knife at home. It's a special knife I use to cut but I didn't have it so I wouldn't cut. She asked if she could call Jeff. I gave her his phone number.
I continued standing for a long time not letting her get anywhere near me. Nobody was allowed to come near me or touch me. For the third or fourth time she asked if I wanted to sit down. I agreed the last time. She scooted away from me so I would feel safe. She asked if I wanted to go home (she'd drive me or she'd get Pam), I mentioned maybe I should go into the meeting and she said that would be okay, too. I decided to let her drive me home.
I said nothing on the 25 minute drive. I didn't feel safe so I sat as close to the door as possible. She gave me my space and did not invade it. She promised she wouldn't talk to me or touch me. She kept her promise. Before I got out of the car she asked again where I was on a scale of 1-10. It took a lot of thought to concentrate. I was still a 4.
I said thanks then went into my house. I turned off my phone, crawled into bed and had more nightmares. I'd escaped from the church and was running so no one could catch me. The police had been called but I outsmarted them. I ran away and never came back.
Amy
Jill kept telling me this as I was with her. This song ends earlier than the time shown. There are no pictures...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Raw #6
Dear God,
Another dream, another trigger. Another burial deep into my soul. I recess into the grave of my childhood as more memories begin to surface. It's a time of great pain, great silence, avoidance of others and joy is no more.
I dreamt last night that I was at a class reunion of sorts. It was at a childhood friend's house. Her name is Dawn. I was a little reluctant to go but Tina went with me. Kevin Dyer drove us and said to call him when we were ready to be picked up. It was around 6:00.
I saw classmates I hadn't seen in 24 years. It was a safe environment, one I enjoyed. Some point during the gathering, I went to lay down. I fell asleep and it was night time when I awoke. I looked at the clock. It read 9:15. But when I awoke something was wrong. Some of my clothing was missing. I knew I'd arrived at the party completely clothed but now I woke up with clothing missing. I was naked from the waist down.
I couldn't see where my clothing was nor did I remember taking it off before I fell asleep. I was embarrassed having to walk around half clothed. Tina called Kevin. He picked us up and brought us home. I woke up.
I slept hard last night. After writing Raw #5 I burrowed into my bed. I didn't do any harm to myself though today it's very hard to fight off those thoughts. Unless you've been or are a cutter, you don't understand. The need to release that pain runs through your veins. It's as though your veins are screaming to be cut open so the pain that is filling them can be freed.
Instead, I go numb. I disassociate. I hide inside where no one can find me. I will go through the motions of this day: Seeing a movie, doing some shopping and going to Celebrate Recovery. I won't allow anyone to touch me and I won't let anyone know what's happening except my therapist and sponsor.
It's not safe. I'm not safe. What I feel scares me to my molecular structure.
Amy
From God...
Another dream, another trigger. Another burial deep into my soul. I recess into the grave of my childhood as more memories begin to surface. It's a time of great pain, great silence, avoidance of others and joy is no more.
I dreamt last night that I was at a class reunion of sorts. It was at a childhood friend's house. Her name is Dawn. I was a little reluctant to go but Tina went with me. Kevin Dyer drove us and said to call him when we were ready to be picked up. It was around 6:00.
I saw classmates I hadn't seen in 24 years. It was a safe environment, one I enjoyed. Some point during the gathering, I went to lay down. I fell asleep and it was night time when I awoke. I looked at the clock. It read 9:15. But when I awoke something was wrong. Some of my clothing was missing. I knew I'd arrived at the party completely clothed but now I woke up with clothing missing. I was naked from the waist down.
I couldn't see where my clothing was nor did I remember taking it off before I fell asleep. I was embarrassed having to walk around half clothed. Tina called Kevin. He picked us up and brought us home. I woke up.
I slept hard last night. After writing Raw #5 I burrowed into my bed. I didn't do any harm to myself though today it's very hard to fight off those thoughts. Unless you've been or are a cutter, you don't understand. The need to release that pain runs through your veins. It's as though your veins are screaming to be cut open so the pain that is filling them can be freed.
Instead, I go numb. I disassociate. I hide inside where no one can find me. I will go through the motions of this day: Seeing a movie, doing some shopping and going to Celebrate Recovery. I won't allow anyone to touch me and I won't let anyone know what's happening except my therapist and sponsor.
It's not safe. I'm not safe. What I feel scares me to my molecular structure.
Amy
From God...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Raw #5
Dear God,
I sit here in the dark with the list of things I talked to Jeff about this morning: Startled awake, Cubs game where Ron Santo was having difficulty controlling his emotions, snapping the rubber band against both wrists about 100 times each forming welts and bruises, purchasing a small eagle to put next to my dad's memorial then taking the one on the shed down and putting it in the garbage, Erik's reappearance as these triggers and traumas are resurfacing at rapid speeds, looking up at my ceiling wondering what was hidden under those trim strips that I couldn't see, the vivid dreaming and whether or not to continue living in the house my Dad owned.
All I want is to be alone. To not be bothered. To turn off the phone. To not talk to or see anyone. To be silent. To let the problems I'm having overcome my senses so I become paralyzed with the inability to function. To have my mind, memory and mental capability go completely numb. I want it to stop. Just stop.
I'm exhausted. I can't get away from it. It haunts me in the daytime and it haunts me in the night. I curl up in my bed and I'm scared like a little girl. I want to sleep in the bathtub where no one can find me. Where he couldn't find me. I want to run away so no one can ever find me.
I want to cut. I want to cut deep into the marrow of my bone so my hands fall off, my wrists are cut to the bone, the cutting going all the way up to my shoulders like it did in October. I want to cut my shoulders again and cut my stomach. I want to bleed out the pain, bleed out the memories, bleed out the trauma and bleed out the stress.
I want to bleed. I want to bleed.
Love Amy
TRIGGER WARNING: may cause victims of sexual abuse (or any abuse, really) to feel upset or give flashbacks. this may also trigger cutters.
I sit here in the dark with the list of things I talked to Jeff about this morning: Startled awake, Cubs game where Ron Santo was having difficulty controlling his emotions, snapping the rubber band against both wrists about 100 times each forming welts and bruises, purchasing a small eagle to put next to my dad's memorial then taking the one on the shed down and putting it in the garbage, Erik's reappearance as these triggers and traumas are resurfacing at rapid speeds, looking up at my ceiling wondering what was hidden under those trim strips that I couldn't see, the vivid dreaming and whether or not to continue living in the house my Dad owned.
All I want is to be alone. To not be bothered. To turn off the phone. To not talk to or see anyone. To be silent. To let the problems I'm having overcome my senses so I become paralyzed with the inability to function. To have my mind, memory and mental capability go completely numb. I want it to stop. Just stop.
I'm exhausted. I can't get away from it. It haunts me in the daytime and it haunts me in the night. I curl up in my bed and I'm scared like a little girl. I want to sleep in the bathtub where no one can find me. Where he couldn't find me. I want to run away so no one can ever find me.
I want to cut. I want to cut deep into the marrow of my bone so my hands fall off, my wrists are cut to the bone, the cutting going all the way up to my shoulders like it did in October. I want to cut my shoulders again and cut my stomach. I want to bleed out the pain, bleed out the memories, bleed out the trauma and bleed out the stress.
I want to bleed. I want to bleed.
Love Amy
TRIGGER WARNING: may cause victims of sexual abuse (or any abuse, really) to feel upset or give flashbacks. this may also trigger cutters.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Raw #4
Dear God,
It seems to me that my desire to honor you in what you are trying to do in me is conflicting against my spirit. No, it's not my spirit. It's more like trust or complete abandon to my sinful nature. I want to be in control of what's happening. Quite simply, I'm not. At least not in the area of binge eating and food addiction.
I dreamt last night that I was able to see Carol. She and I were talking about this very subject. She admitted she wasn't really trying to help me with this while we had been meeting for two years. She said I needed to be hospitalized for 60 days. I felt very hurt. As I was abruptly leaving, I turned to her and said, "You bitch. I can't believe you didn't care enough to address this issue all the time I was seeing you." I stormed out of her office. It was 5:45 pm. She started chasing after me but I knew I was faster than she was and could out run her. She was yelling, "We still have 15 minutes to talk if you want to come back."
I ran through the streets in a zig-zag fashion. I remember red roads then ending up in a hospital. As I walked through, there were patients and hallways and nurses and doctors. I tried to remember the route I took so I could get out. It took a little bit longer but I eventually ended up out of there.
I remembered when I was a kid my mom calling the police when I'd run away from home. I knew Carol would do that if she felt my life was in danger. I decided to get back to her office but found it difficult because I'd lost track of the route I'd taken. Eventually I found her building but then I woke up.
God, what does all of that mean? I know in the past three years my weight had gone up forty pounds. Now I'm down almost twenty but still, didn't she see that happening? Carol was a mother role to me. I think in my dream she failed. And maybe in real life, she failed.
What about in Junior High when I gained fifty pounds in three years? It's a repeat of my childhood. The stress of sexual and physical abuse back then happening frequently; The stress of healing from sexual and physical abuse now daily. I can't let these abuses, no matter how horrific they were kill me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
Lord, you know my energy level is still quite low. I tire easily. When I have a desire to go somewhere or do something I have to be very careful. I haven't been. I haven't been taking my naps. I haven't been turning off the phone. I haven't been in your word and in a good book. I need to do things that help me rest, give me a safe sense of fun but don't cause me to sin.
Please provide an answer to these concerns.
"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."
Love Amy
It seems to me that my desire to honor you in what you are trying to do in me is conflicting against my spirit. No, it's not my spirit. It's more like trust or complete abandon to my sinful nature. I want to be in control of what's happening. Quite simply, I'm not. At least not in the area of binge eating and food addiction.
I dreamt last night that I was able to see Carol. She and I were talking about this very subject. She admitted she wasn't really trying to help me with this while we had been meeting for two years. She said I needed to be hospitalized for 60 days. I felt very hurt. As I was abruptly leaving, I turned to her and said, "You bitch. I can't believe you didn't care enough to address this issue all the time I was seeing you." I stormed out of her office. It was 5:45 pm. She started chasing after me but I knew I was faster than she was and could out run her. She was yelling, "We still have 15 minutes to talk if you want to come back."
I ran through the streets in a zig-zag fashion. I remember red roads then ending up in a hospital. As I walked through, there were patients and hallways and nurses and doctors. I tried to remember the route I took so I could get out. It took a little bit longer but I eventually ended up out of there.
I remembered when I was a kid my mom calling the police when I'd run away from home. I knew Carol would do that if she felt my life was in danger. I decided to get back to her office but found it difficult because I'd lost track of the route I'd taken. Eventually I found her building but then I woke up.
God, what does all of that mean? I know in the past three years my weight had gone up forty pounds. Now I'm down almost twenty but still, didn't she see that happening? Carol was a mother role to me. I think in my dream she failed. And maybe in real life, she failed.
What about in Junior High when I gained fifty pounds in three years? It's a repeat of my childhood. The stress of sexual and physical abuse back then happening frequently; The stress of healing from sexual and physical abuse now daily. I can't let these abuses, no matter how horrific they were kill me physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
Lord, you know my energy level is still quite low. I tire easily. When I have a desire to go somewhere or do something I have to be very careful. I haven't been. I haven't been taking my naps. I haven't been turning off the phone. I haven't been in your word and in a good book. I need to do things that help me rest, give me a safe sense of fun but don't cause me to sin.
Please provide an answer to these concerns.
"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."
Love Amy
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Raw #3
Dear God,
Thank you for pushing me into an area of healing that has been long neglected. When Jo prayed that I be able to cry, who knew that two years later Jo would be brought back and Jill would be introduced into my life to give my little girl what she needs? Only you.
Jill and I talked for a long time last night. I was listening to what she was sensing God wanting her to help me through. I'm not even sure those are the right words but you know what I mean. There were moments I shared more of my story, more of my feelings then I fell silent. It was as though I was internally processing as I stared at the wall contemplating her ideas and suggestions.
I overate again tonight. I did so well with breakfast and lunch. I went over to another friend's house and felt the anxiety of being away from the safety of my home so I used food as a comfort. I knew what I was doing and didn't ask for your help. It's four hours afterward and I still feel full. Why was I hiding? What was I really feeling?
Jill and I had a beautiful morning together as only you could have designed. She drove out to my house. I showed her around (pictures of my family, the memorial wall, the back room where the art work I've done in the hospital is displayed and my clay art work). Then we went to breakfast where we had an easy going conversation about nothing. When I asked if she'd like to take a walk, she was delighted. We walked for about an hour in a Forest Preserve not far from my house. The weather was perfect, it was so green, near the river with boats and jet ski's, and then we saw the goose family, a couple of turtles and a blue heron.
When I got home I felt very relaxed. We didn't discuss anything about anything. Just small talk which felt so good. I sat outside for awhile taking in more of your creation. Then I started to get sleepy. When I was invited to spend time with another friend I was delighted but for some reason traded the serenity for addictive behavior. I could see it, I had a chance to stop it but decided I wasn't worth it.
What's wrong with me God? Why can I weigh myself in the morning, have eight tenths of a pound weight loss then stuff myself full again? Why or when will it be okay for me to be thin and to not abuse myself through food or thoughts of cutting?
Please help me with this as I begin to work on my fourth step. I think there are some deep seeded hurts that cause my habits to become hang-ups. And I don't want that life anymore.
In Jesus Name,
Amy
Thank you for pushing me into an area of healing that has been long neglected. When Jo prayed that I be able to cry, who knew that two years later Jo would be brought back and Jill would be introduced into my life to give my little girl what she needs? Only you.
Jill and I talked for a long time last night. I was listening to what she was sensing God wanting her to help me through. I'm not even sure those are the right words but you know what I mean. There were moments I shared more of my story, more of my feelings then I fell silent. It was as though I was internally processing as I stared at the wall contemplating her ideas and suggestions.
I overate again tonight. I did so well with breakfast and lunch. I went over to another friend's house and felt the anxiety of being away from the safety of my home so I used food as a comfort. I knew what I was doing and didn't ask for your help. It's four hours afterward and I still feel full. Why was I hiding? What was I really feeling?
Jill and I had a beautiful morning together as only you could have designed. She drove out to my house. I showed her around (pictures of my family, the memorial wall, the back room where the art work I've done in the hospital is displayed and my clay art work). Then we went to breakfast where we had an easy going conversation about nothing. When I asked if she'd like to take a walk, she was delighted. We walked for about an hour in a Forest Preserve not far from my house. The weather was perfect, it was so green, near the river with boats and jet ski's, and then we saw the goose family, a couple of turtles and a blue heron.
When I got home I felt very relaxed. We didn't discuss anything about anything. Just small talk which felt so good. I sat outside for awhile taking in more of your creation. Then I started to get sleepy. When I was invited to spend time with another friend I was delighted but for some reason traded the serenity for addictive behavior. I could see it, I had a chance to stop it but decided I wasn't worth it.
What's wrong with me God? Why can I weigh myself in the morning, have eight tenths of a pound weight loss then stuff myself full again? Why or when will it be okay for me to be thin and to not abuse myself through food or thoughts of cutting?
Please help me with this as I begin to work on my fourth step. I think there are some deep seeded hurts that cause my habits to become hang-ups. And I don't want that life anymore.
In Jesus Name,
Amy
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Raw #2
Dear God,
After writing the Raw blog I needed to rest. I was hungry so I ate a balanced meal. I wanted to watch a movie that would fill me so I picked Moses. I left my kitchen light on, climbed into bed, snuggled into my sleeping bag and burrowed myself for the story of your deliverance of a stiff necked people.
I began to fall asleep as the children of Israel reached the Promised Land. But then after that, the dreams began. I drempt I was riding a motorcycle following my Mom someplace across the country. It was an enjoyable ride with beautiful scenery and other bikers. There was a close collision when a red car did not see me in the right lane so I had to smack my hand several times on it's hood then the lady saw me and swerved back into the left lane. The next drama was when I was going down a hill which turned out to be very steep and long. It would have been okay had my brakes been working.
The motorcycle did not pick up speed but I did have to use my feet to slow down any potential acceleration. Once I was at the bottom of the hill I turned into what I thought was the Marathon gas station but was really a laundry mat. They called someone but while I was waiting I checked the brake fluid and it was empty. I noticed the Marathon station across the street so I went over there. They filled the brake fluid. A police officer was there and was talking about the dangers of riding a bike. I felt okay because I'm alert and always wear a helmet. Then a white car squeezed between myself and the police car. That was close. I paid for the brake fluid, filled my gas tank and woke up.
During the dream when all this drama was going on, here's the question that kept running through my head: Where was my Mom and did she know this was happening to me?
No, she didn't. If she could have she would have helped me. But in this instance and in some of the situations I was abused, there was nothing she could do.
Our journey through the disease of alcoholism prohibited any type of "normal" response. Awareness, protection and removing us and herself from danger were not options until she found a gas station herself that could give her the help she needed to continue on her journey.
I know you never meant any of what happened to me happen for me. I know that from the bottom of my gut and from your Word. "All things are possible through Him who gives us strength." Healing, sharing hope with others and forgiving those who hurt us. That's Christ. Only Christ.
I still feel burdened today. I still feel like I want to hibernate under my covers. I don't want to answer the phone and I don't want to talk to anybody. I just feel like crying until I can't cry anymore.
Love Amy
After writing the Raw blog I needed to rest. I was hungry so I ate a balanced meal. I wanted to watch a movie that would fill me so I picked Moses. I left my kitchen light on, climbed into bed, snuggled into my sleeping bag and burrowed myself for the story of your deliverance of a stiff necked people.
I began to fall asleep as the children of Israel reached the Promised Land. But then after that, the dreams began. I drempt I was riding a motorcycle following my Mom someplace across the country. It was an enjoyable ride with beautiful scenery and other bikers. There was a close collision when a red car did not see me in the right lane so I had to smack my hand several times on it's hood then the lady saw me and swerved back into the left lane. The next drama was when I was going down a hill which turned out to be very steep and long. It would have been okay had my brakes been working.
The motorcycle did not pick up speed but I did have to use my feet to slow down any potential acceleration. Once I was at the bottom of the hill I turned into what I thought was the Marathon gas station but was really a laundry mat. They called someone but while I was waiting I checked the brake fluid and it was empty. I noticed the Marathon station across the street so I went over there. They filled the brake fluid. A police officer was there and was talking about the dangers of riding a bike. I felt okay because I'm alert and always wear a helmet. Then a white car squeezed between myself and the police car. That was close. I paid for the brake fluid, filled my gas tank and woke up.
During the dream when all this drama was going on, here's the question that kept running through my head: Where was my Mom and did she know this was happening to me?
No, she didn't. If she could have she would have helped me. But in this instance and in some of the situations I was abused, there was nothing she could do.
Our journey through the disease of alcoholism prohibited any type of "normal" response. Awareness, protection and removing us and herself from danger were not options until she found a gas station herself that could give her the help she needed to continue on her journey.
I know you never meant any of what happened to me happen for me. I know that from the bottom of my gut and from your Word. "All things are possible through Him who gives us strength." Healing, sharing hope with others and forgiving those who hurt us. That's Christ. Only Christ.
I still feel burdened today. I still feel like I want to hibernate under my covers. I don't want to answer the phone and I don't want to talk to anybody. I just feel like crying until I can't cry anymore.
Love Amy
Friday, May 22, 2009
Raw
Dear God,
I feel lost today...quiet in my spirit yet searching for something I can't seem to find. I don't know where to go so I don't know how to get there. It's elusive and causing emotional and mental pain. My body feels burdened by a load it cannot carry. My mind seems void - there is nothing to talk about.
Jeff told me to write about the last 24 hours. I'm to include how I felt in the moment and how the experiences are affecting me now. I'm not sure what to say. My prayer is that your Holy Spirit will write what needs to come out because right now the safest place I still feel is in the arms of my friend Jill who held me while I sobbed. Here it goes.
I've been physically busy this month. The month started with a hospitalization for a kidney stone and colonoscopy. The next week I was on pain meds for spasms from the stint but still had to make phone calls to keep some disability related business going. This week I've been exhausted from vivid dreams, God's ridiculous provision for my "final" needs and I just plain have run out of energy.
By Wednesday, I was so tired I didn't want to go to Celebrate Recovery. I was depleted of energy, so much so that I was going to stay home. I remembered there was going to be someone from another church sharing her testimony which caused me all the more not want to go. But Jill and I had been sharing emails and were excited to see each other after three weeks of not being able to. I decided to go because I wanted a hug from my friend.
As I listened to the woman share her testimony, which included her time in Celebrate Recovery, I started feeling bothered. I remembered the days when I would share my story at various AA open meetings or Al-Anon meetings. We were taught to share what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. The point being don't dwell on the past, describe your transformation and bring hope to those who are still struggling by carrying the message not spreading the disease.
I tried really hard to keep an open mind as everyone has their own way of sharing their testimony. But when I heard two phrases I emotionally vanished. The first was this: "I'm a sexual predator." The second was, "This happened to me for me." After those two phrases I was triggered and I shut down for the safety of my own well-being.
It's not my job to say what anybody is or isn't. But it's very hard to sit there and think to yourself, "Lady you have no idea what you're talking about." I felt the forum of our attention was abused by someone who is looking for attention by using the "P" word. And if the sin of this world "happened to me" for me then the God of the Bible is a falsehood (which of course I don't believe).
Needless to say, when she was finished I was shaken up and wanted to cut. She ended up in our group and I knew not to say anything. I didn't trust her, her motives and I didn't hear her praise Christ - she praised the program. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit what to do during the group time. I felt him leading me to give her encouragement about the tough stuff she shared citing visual points of when it seemed hard for her to talk. I wanted to give her praise for her courage but I couldn't give positive feedback for what she'd shared.
Did I honor God in that moment? I think so. Did I honor myself, my triggers and my needs? Most definitely. When the meeting was over and Jill and I were outside, I couldn't leave without having her hold me so I could cry. There was a little girl inside who was broken and needed her friend. Jill held onto me for several minutes as I sobbed. I told her I was triggered and she tightened her hold. She told me to call her when I got home. On the drive home, I had to use the rubber band on my wrist so I wouldn't cut. I only have some blood bumps and a bruise but it stopped me from cutting. We talked for almost two hours so I could process what I was thinking and feeling.
The next day (Thursday) I had to have the stint removed. I was in a physically vulnerable position and once the procedure was about to begin I started crying. I told the nurse I had childhood sexual abuse and I needed she and the doctor to just keep talking to me during the removal process. I'm not going to go into detail but when the doctor said, "Spread your legs and relax" I heard words that had been said before by multiple perpetrators. When the procedure was done, I felt numb.
Something is happening as I write this. I keep staring at these words and my ability to type is being interrupted by memories. It's like I'm disassociating as I type so I'm going to stop now.
Amy
I feel lost today...quiet in my spirit yet searching for something I can't seem to find. I don't know where to go so I don't know how to get there. It's elusive and causing emotional and mental pain. My body feels burdened by a load it cannot carry. My mind seems void - there is nothing to talk about.
Jeff told me to write about the last 24 hours. I'm to include how I felt in the moment and how the experiences are affecting me now. I'm not sure what to say. My prayer is that your Holy Spirit will write what needs to come out because right now the safest place I still feel is in the arms of my friend Jill who held me while I sobbed. Here it goes.
I've been physically busy this month. The month started with a hospitalization for a kidney stone and colonoscopy. The next week I was on pain meds for spasms from the stint but still had to make phone calls to keep some disability related business going. This week I've been exhausted from vivid dreams, God's ridiculous provision for my "final" needs and I just plain have run out of energy.
By Wednesday, I was so tired I didn't want to go to Celebrate Recovery. I was depleted of energy, so much so that I was going to stay home. I remembered there was going to be someone from another church sharing her testimony which caused me all the more not want to go. But Jill and I had been sharing emails and were excited to see each other after three weeks of not being able to. I decided to go because I wanted a hug from my friend.
As I listened to the woman share her testimony, which included her time in Celebrate Recovery, I started feeling bothered. I remembered the days when I would share my story at various AA open meetings or Al-Anon meetings. We were taught to share what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. The point being don't dwell on the past, describe your transformation and bring hope to those who are still struggling by carrying the message not spreading the disease.
I tried really hard to keep an open mind as everyone has their own way of sharing their testimony. But when I heard two phrases I emotionally vanished. The first was this: "I'm a sexual predator." The second was, "This happened to me for me." After those two phrases I was triggered and I shut down for the safety of my own well-being.
It's not my job to say what anybody is or isn't. But it's very hard to sit there and think to yourself, "Lady you have no idea what you're talking about." I felt the forum of our attention was abused by someone who is looking for attention by using the "P" word. And if the sin of this world "happened to me" for me then the God of the Bible is a falsehood (which of course I don't believe).
Needless to say, when she was finished I was shaken up and wanted to cut. She ended up in our group and I knew not to say anything. I didn't trust her, her motives and I didn't hear her praise Christ - she praised the program. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit what to do during the group time. I felt him leading me to give her encouragement about the tough stuff she shared citing visual points of when it seemed hard for her to talk. I wanted to give her praise for her courage but I couldn't give positive feedback for what she'd shared.
Did I honor God in that moment? I think so. Did I honor myself, my triggers and my needs? Most definitely. When the meeting was over and Jill and I were outside, I couldn't leave without having her hold me so I could cry. There was a little girl inside who was broken and needed her friend. Jill held onto me for several minutes as I sobbed. I told her I was triggered and she tightened her hold. She told me to call her when I got home. On the drive home, I had to use the rubber band on my wrist so I wouldn't cut. I only have some blood bumps and a bruise but it stopped me from cutting. We talked for almost two hours so I could process what I was thinking and feeling.
The next day (Thursday) I had to have the stint removed. I was in a physically vulnerable position and once the procedure was about to begin I started crying. I told the nurse I had childhood sexual abuse and I needed she and the doctor to just keep talking to me during the removal process. I'm not going to go into detail but when the doctor said, "Spread your legs and relax" I heard words that had been said before by multiple perpetrators. When the procedure was done, I felt numb.
Something is happening as I write this. I keep staring at these words and my ability to type is being interrupted by memories. It's like I'm disassociating as I type so I'm going to stop now.
Amy
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Do It Anyway
This is my refrigerator. This is where I've been kneeling for the last three days. You can see the cat box to the left and a couple of cats to the right. I'm never alone!!The hard part about getting down on my knees, besides the bending and pressure I feel in my knee caps, is the humility. I feel stupid praying in front of a refrigerator to the God of all creation yet I'm desperate enough to do just about anything.
I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "What happened to the thin person I used to be? Where did she go and why doesn't she want to come back?" Answers yet to be discovered.
As I was reading Hosea chapter one today, it was shocking to hear how God responded to the unfaithfulness of his people. How he asked Hosea to marry a prostitute, to have her bear the children of other men, to give them names that would end the independence of Israel, to no longer show love to the people of Israel or forgive them then to deny Israel as his people and not be their God!
But then comes a time of restoration. The people of Judah and Israel unite under one leader. "What a day that will be." God will plant his people in his land, Hosea will call his brothers Ammi (My people) and he will call his sisters Ruhamah (The ones I love).
That's what happens when unfaithfulness defiles God. I want my prayer life and outside life to reflect the leading of the Holy Spirit. His presence, His guidance and all He wants to do in and through me.
Monday, May 18, 2009
God and the Toilet
Dear God,Thank you for meeting me in familiar places in strange ways. You always seem to get my attention. When my mind is going in one direction, your Holy Spirit leads it in another. I'm grateful to have a mind that is pointed toward you. Not perfectly by any means but has a desire to listen then follow.
This morning is the forth day I woke up depressed. I think it's a med change. Thankfully I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to suggest a med increase and documentation for the seizures. As I was doing my best thinking in the quietness of my bathroom, in a vulnerable pose each of is in several times a day, a thought found it's way into my head. I explained it to a friend this way:
"You know how people kneel to say their prayers in front of their beds either before or at the end of the day? As I was in the bathroom (where I do my best thinking) I was thinking about kneeling in front of the bathtub and praying for my eating disorder. But you know what God told me? Get down and pray in front of the refrigerator because the bathtub is not where you disobey your eating plan. I did that this morning and broke down into tears. It's amazing what happens when you listen to God's leading and obey His commands. My soul gets connected to the truth of my sinful behavior. Conviction - there's no denying it, escaping it and quite frankly if God is conforming me to the image of Christ I need to kneel in front of that refrigerator everyday until this battle is over and the victory arrives. Because one day, it will!! And If being on the toilet is the inspiration then I guess I can share it. Actually, it was the first time I didn't feel any pain from the kidney stone that is still passing. I guess it made me reflect on the pain I'm causing myself."
These next words are taken from the TouchPoint Bible New Living Translation, the introduction to the book of Hosea. Let its words penetrate your heart as they did mine. "God was faithful to his people, but his people were unfaithful to him. As a husband or wife expects faithfulness from a spouse, so God expects and longs for faithfulness from his people.
Hosea's great love for his unfaithful wife is a powerful illustration of God's great love for his people, despite their unfaithfulness. When Gomer, Hosea's wife, hit bottom, she became a slave. Hosea bought her back and brought her home to reconcile her to himself. Likewise, when we hit bottom, deep in sin, Jesus bought us back and reconciled us to God. Jesus paid for us not with money but with his own life.
If the whole concept of Hosea and his unfaithful wife stirs disgust, think of the many ways in which we are unfaithful to God. Just as Gomer lost interest in Hosea and ran after other lovers, we, too, can easily lose interest in our special relationship with God and pursue dreams and goals that do not include him. When we love anything or anyone more than we love God, we are being unfaithful, like Gomer chasing after another lover. If we worship our job and neglect God, if we worship money and forget our provider, if we worship ourselves and ignore our maker, we are playing the same adulterous game that Gomer played.
Try to feel Hosea's pain in knowing that his wife was being unfaithful; then try to understand God's pain when we are unfaithful to him. Ask yourself if you've lost your desire to know God - to really love him and please him. Rededicate yourself to faithfulness: to God and to your family. Discover the great love and tenderness of God, a love that will not let us go no matter what."
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Surrender
Dear God,
It seems to me that the mental illness of depression recycles itself depending on the neurotransmitters, serotonin and other chemicals in the brain. There are days I wish I had advanced notice but when I wake up in the morning I guess that's warning enough.
Since Friday I've been struggling with getting out of bed, staying curled up under the covers and hiding the day away. Saturday was better because I spent the day with Pam on her birthday and just tagged along where ever she wanted to go. Today I woke up feeling heavy in my heart again so again I doubled up on the anxiety meds. It seems to calm me down at least for the time it's meant to.
Being approved for disability has lightened the financial burden tremendously. There have been so many prayers from many people I know and many more of those I don't know. I've been lifted higher than I deserve because of what Christ did on the cross, I know he is my Savior and I'm a daughter of His Father.
I have to keep pushing myself a little more each day to get through the weight I still carry as a protection or laziness or whatever my problem is. I think it's a combination of so much but not sure picking it apart is going to do any good. In all honesty, I'm not hungry most of the time but my food choices are not healthy. I think if I start using the exercise bike you gave me or start walking (even if I need my cane) I will begin to feel better about myself and maybe be filled by being out in the world where I can be reminded that I am still a valuable person.
Lord, I confess my sin of laziness when preparing meals, not measuring, not following what I was taught. I believe this will be a lifelong struggle but I ask you to help it be not so hard all the time. I'm willing to be broken in this area so please Lord, break me and rebuild me in this area.
I want to love you more than I love food.
Your daughter, Amy Kathleen
It seems to me that the mental illness of depression recycles itself depending on the neurotransmitters, serotonin and other chemicals in the brain. There are days I wish I had advanced notice but when I wake up in the morning I guess that's warning enough.
Since Friday I've been struggling with getting out of bed, staying curled up under the covers and hiding the day away. Saturday was better because I spent the day with Pam on her birthday and just tagged along where ever she wanted to go. Today I woke up feeling heavy in my heart again so again I doubled up on the anxiety meds. It seems to calm me down at least for the time it's meant to.
Being approved for disability has lightened the financial burden tremendously. There have been so many prayers from many people I know and many more of those I don't know. I've been lifted higher than I deserve because of what Christ did on the cross, I know he is my Savior and I'm a daughter of His Father.
I have to keep pushing myself a little more each day to get through the weight I still carry as a protection or laziness or whatever my problem is. I think it's a combination of so much but not sure picking it apart is going to do any good. In all honesty, I'm not hungry most of the time but my food choices are not healthy. I think if I start using the exercise bike you gave me or start walking (even if I need my cane) I will begin to feel better about myself and maybe be filled by being out in the world where I can be reminded that I am still a valuable person.
Lord, I confess my sin of laziness when preparing meals, not measuring, not following what I was taught. I believe this will be a lifelong struggle but I ask you to help it be not so hard all the time. I'm willing to be broken in this area so please Lord, break me and rebuild me in this area.
I want to love you more than I love food.
Your daughter, Amy Kathleen
Barlow Girl Surrender from anella097 on Vimeo.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Writing
Dear God,
For the first time in many months I feel free to relax. The stress of financial burdens has been lifted because the Social Security was approved. Some of my physical problems are being taken care of by doctors who have great dispositions. Even though I'm still battling for food stamps and medicaid, that will eventually have to come to a close and hopefully it will be in my favor. Thank you for all of these answered prayers.
I am enjoying the sunshine. It's amazing how much a blue sky and a cool breeze can rejuvenate a wintry soul. The tulips, lilacs and other spring flowers are colorful and fragrant. I feel your presence everywhere.
Today, I'm going to have a good day. Some of that is letting it be a good day and some of it is letting go of things I have no control over. Some of it is making good decisions for myself and some of it is saying no to things that will prevent me from reaching goals. It started with a wonderful conversation with my sister Laurie and will continue as the hours pass.
Lord, I no longer want to live in a false success I visualize in my head. I want that success to be realized in the here and now no matter how long it takes. You've given me the time and you've given me the tools. As Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If it is to be it's up to me." And just for today, it's a healthy place to be.
For the first time in many months I feel free to relax. The stress of financial burdens has been lifted because the Social Security was approved. Some of my physical problems are being taken care of by doctors who have great dispositions. Even though I'm still battling for food stamps and medicaid, that will eventually have to come to a close and hopefully it will be in my favor. Thank you for all of these answered prayers.
I am enjoying the sunshine. It's amazing how much a blue sky and a cool breeze can rejuvenate a wintry soul. The tulips, lilacs and other spring flowers are colorful and fragrant. I feel your presence everywhere.
Today, I'm going to have a good day. Some of that is letting it be a good day and some of it is letting go of things I have no control over. Some of it is making good decisions for myself and some of it is saying no to things that will prevent me from reaching goals. It started with a wonderful conversation with my sister Laurie and will continue as the hours pass.
Lord, I no longer want to live in a false success I visualize in my head. I want that success to be realized in the here and now no matter how long it takes. You've given me the time and you've given me the tools. As Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If it is to be it's up to me." And just for today, it's a healthy place to be.
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