When Are You Going To Come Full Circle?

For the movie buffs, that is a quote by Colonel Samuel Troutman to Rambo in Rambo III. Rambo's response: "What do you mean?"

When Troutman explains the meaning, Rambo says, "I guess I'm not ready."

I have days when I don't feel ready to move out of my comfort zone back into the real world. The comfort zone being a place in my mind where I can hideout and no one comes looking for me. If they do, like Rambo I respond with, "I don't believe this."

I've been overeating the last few days, maybe even a full week now. I know why. The emotions, stress, tension, anxiety and some depression are difficult right now. I'm not surprised by any of those feelings nor am I surprised that I'm not as caring about my recovery from bulimia. I binge and then I starve myself to make up for the binge then the destructive cycle starts all over again. I'm riding the crazy train having purchased a one way ticket. I should have bought an open ended ticket.

Open ended. What an interesting combination of words. (random thought)

Carol called today. It was great to hear her voice and have a quick chat. I didn't tell her about the one year death anniversaries. I don't know why. So I called her back. Instead of her voice mail she answered the phone. I asked her to add those anniversaries to her prayers for me. She became very quiet...somber in her voice. I wasn't sure how to respond and quite frankly was surprised by her lovingly sad reaction. I think it brought me back to what I've been avoiding.

Unless one of your parents have died, it would be hard for you to understand what it feels like. The grief, the sudden outburst of tears. When there's past abuse from that parent, in my case, the Post Traumatic Stress gets re-ignited. I can't sleep tonight. I stare at the ceiling. I think about the past year. How quickly it flew by and how I put my grieving on the back burner for the sake of a job.

I called Tina the other day. I asked if I could spend Saturday with her so I'm not alone on my Dad's anniversary. She's picking me up Friday morning. I don't know how we (including Tracy) are going to memorialize him. We still haven't seen the urn or received any of his personal belongings that we're entitled to. We have a slipper I found in the garbage when Joan (his wife) moved the week after he died. It sits on the memorial table at Tina's with pictures of him, Cathy and Maryla.

How do you pay tribute to a man like my dad?

Maybe by Saturday I'll have an answer.