A Conversation With God

Dear God,

I don't like myself today. I feel worthless, burdened, troubled, frustrated, angry, depressed, discouraged, distrustful, incapable, useless, forced and unsure. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or be anyone. I want to cancel the appointment with the psychiatrist and talk to my therapist instead. I know I need help from both but what's the point of talking about medication when I can't get it?

I've been off the seizure meds for two weeks. I'm going to bring the form from the manufacturer to see if I qualify to get them for free. In the meantime, I deal with being screwed up and feeling like less of a person because I am crumbling.

Your word says to give you my burdens and I think I've been doing that. I know Jesus will carry them for me so the load I carry is lighter. Yet all the crap that is still in limbo creates a list of uncertainties in my mind. This life I've been dealt is not an easy one. You already know that. I'm trying to do the next right thing. Some days it's tasking; other days it's sleeping.

This whole meal plan is really messing with my head. What do YOU want me to do? My body is YOUR temple and I'm responsible for keeping it in good condition. That includes eating right, exercising (though limited) and making sure the fuel gauge of my life is in balance. Neither running on empty or at mock speed.

What do you want from me?
Amy

My dearest Amy,
You are troubling yourself with things that do not matter. You have been given challenges because I know your faith in me is strong and you will overcome the burdens of all of them. You struggle with pride, people pleasing and talking about how you are feeling. You need to get passed the details of conversations and look at the big picture. Amy, you are starving yourself. Sarah was right. You have this fear in your heart that if you eat anything it's going to cause weight gain which you now have a terrible fear of. I want you to become a whole person who has confidence in your choices. I don't want you to push people away who are trying to help you, especially when I have chosen them just for you. I want you to be who I created you to be. You're not there yet. You have not arrived. You have a long way to go and a lot of work to get there. But until you let go of control and your strong self will, I cannot help you and neither can those I've sent. You've got to let your guard down, Amy. Let people in who I've placed around you. Don't isolate yourself from the healing I am doing in your broken spirit. I fully intend to restore you. Remember, you are a new creation. You are alive in Christ. He set you free and because you are my daughter and beloved child, I will protect you from any harm you may be fearing. Let's walk this journey together. I want to be with you. I want to be part of your life. Don't shut me out. I'm not going to hurt you.

Love God