Sound familiar? Maybe not verbally or consciously but I know I've felt that way when I'm successful with my weight loss. It's called self sabotage and it's as old as the creation of man and woman.
To loose self sabotage is to change the way we think of ourselves especially during stressful, emotional, changing and grieving times. Those are my top four.
So, how do I learn how to restructure? I dunno. During my therapy session with Jeff this morning we figured out that's where I am. I've hit a plateau. The next step is to delve a little deeper. When I left Rogers Memorial Hospital in October for Bulimia treatment I was given a second packet to work on when I got home. Certainly the last few months have not been the right time to work on it. As I've been watching and experiencing my eating since the viewing of Tina's 40th birthday DVD, we realized the DVD triggered a wide range of emotions and memories.
How I looked as I grew up was in that DVD, too. I was thin, had a smile on my face and appeared like a happy child. There were pictures of the three of us. In one of them Tracy has her arms wrapped around mine, like a safe and protective hold. A picture of my Dad I'd never seen before. One where he looked genuinely happy, content and peaceful in his flannel shirt. Then one of him at Tina's wedding - a completely different person. One of Cathy at Tina's wedding as her Matron of Honor. Maryla at Tracy's wedding this past July. Snapshots of Tina as she grew from a little girl then watching how her eyes changed as she got lost in her teen years. Then watching as she came around full circle in her recovery, marriage and raising her children. I was wondering why I felt like breaking down and crying as I watched the DVD. Now I know. It triggered many emotions in a very short amount of time.
Instead of talking about them (after all, it was a birthday party) I found myself eating and eating. Not paying attention except to watch the carbs but even then I wanted to deaden whatever it was that was happening inside of me. A new awareness, perhaps? Still to be revealed.
Cathy died Feb 12, 2008. Dad died Feb 21, 2008. I tried to kill myself (again) Oct 7, 2008. Maryla died Nov 11, 2008.
It's a lot to process. A lot to feel. A lot to restructure. Thank God it doesn't all have to be fixed at once. Just one day at a time, as I can with the support of family and friends. I have to keep talking about it, writing about it and letting my small group at Celebrate Recovery help me.
Each overweight pound represents a part of my past. And with each pound that is shed another part of my past is healed. It's time for a shift and I do it fully aware that I'm not overeating like I used to, I'm not cutting like I used to, I'm not drinking like I used to and I'm not keeping it a secret like I used to.
That's a miracle!!
