So, I've been thinking. And like our friend Winnie the Pooh it takes a lot of concentration. Eventually, the thought becomes clear. Then it is able to be told.
I've been fluctuating between overeating then not eating for the last few days not caring at all about most things, especially how I look and feel. That's a red flag and I knew it when I was doing it. Last week at Celebrate Recovery I mentioned the next 9 days (at that time) were going to be difficult. That's all I could get out without having a complete melt down. So instead, I used a faithful old tool so I wouldn't feel the pain of the sudden losses of Cathy and my Dad.
My sister Tina's 40th was on Valentine's Day. It reminded me of mine almost two years ago. Last night I was looking at some of the photos hoping Cathy was in one. She was and I have a great one of her laughing. It was a mixed moment. I was glad to have one then felt sad for Tina. Grief is a mixed bag of emotions.
I have a memorial frame of my Dad. When I look at the pictures, from the time I was a baby until the most recent picture in Missouri, I miss him. I feel love and affinity when I look at him barbecuing (his sweet spot), the picture of he with my sisters and I, the one where I'm learning to stand and I'm leaning on his back...that's the Dad I miss. The one who was able to show love, be supportive and have fun.
This week...well...it will be what it is. I started today by eating what I'm supposed to eat to kick start my metabolism. As the day progresses I think I'll be eating on autopilot but hopefully able to experience the day by staying present.
But who can really say what it will be?
