As Jeff and I were talking about the layers of shame I still carry on my body (the extra weight) I remembered the promises from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've decided to go back to the basics by reading the beginning of the Big Book. Let me share the Promises for those of us stuck in the cycle of addiction because there is hope - in God, in recovery and through each others life experiences.This is taken from the chapter Into Action at the bottom of page 83-84:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will materialize if we work for them."
Right before the promises is a sentence that grabbed me. It said, "As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone." How many times have I in my woundedness crawled before people for a little bit of love, little bit of acceptance, little bit of self-esteem or a little bit of anything positive they could give me? Too often. In God's promises found in the Bible the only person I crawl to is Jesus Christ. And when I have asked to be forgiven for my sin and He washes me clean, He takes my hand and pulls me up from the ground I've been crawling on.
I am His. I stand on my feet. There are days I wobble and days I stumble but no longer do I crawl. I bow only before my Holy God. I bow in awesome wonder of His glorious majesty. My face is in the dirt for I am not worthy to look upon His face. But then I hear a gentle whisper..."Come to me my child. Look upon my face which is filled with love for you. My eyes see your eyes and we share an intimacy like no other relationship you have. I am gentle in spirit. I enjoy who you are. I like you as an individual person-not compared to anyone else I have created. You are my living child, my adored one, my precious one...I have loved you from the beginning and will love you forever because My love never ends."
Recovery from addiction is hard. Letting God be my comfort is harder than grabbing a bag of chips and dip then sitting in front of the TV zoning out. Letting God be my comfort takes confession, community and commitment. All I know is that I'm fighting for my right to get well, be well and stay well.
My prayer is that this is what all of us truly desire in our hearts. Here's a real story from a real woman who struggles with food addiction.
