This evening I am crawling into my shell and hiding. The day started out great but then after seeing my dietitian I felt distressed. I expected celebration for the weight loss but I set myself up for disappointment. Rather than hide my body, I want to hide my thoughts, words and voice. But I know better. I feel broken - shattered into a million pieces. Trying to get wise counsel from Dr. Sarah, Jeff, Celebrate Recovery members, friends, family and of course, God. It's as though I walked out of Dr. Sarah's office today with my heart in my hand. I had tears in my eyes again but was able to shield them. Why does it hurt so bad when I don't feel heard? I have a voice, I use words but somehow the message gets lost. Then I quietly give up.
I had dreams a couple of nights ago where I was being held down on my bed. I tried to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. I tried and tried until finally a small cry escaped then my voice became louder. I was thrashing about on my bed trying to get away. I'd found my voice and fought for my life. I feel the same way about this fat on my body.
I'm afraid I'm going to gain back what has already been successfully removed.
I'm afraid I'm not being believed when I say, "I feel better with an empty stomach."
I'm afraid I'm being strong willed and not submitting to her wisdom and training.
I'm afraid I'm going to leave and not come back.
I'm afraid of all these things.
So I sit here at home writing about it. It's really bothering me, hurting me inside. I feel sad, misunderstood and scared. I feel like the little girl who wanted to do what she was told but knew in her heart she felt differently. As an adult I have the freedom to choose. For this moment, I choose to sit in those feelings instead of eating them. And maybe that's why I feel better with an empty stomach. It reassures me that I'm alive with feelings and those need to come out before the food gets stuffed in.
I praise God for being so patient with me. Without His love and constant presence I would feel alone. I love Him with all my heart and worship His beauty.
