Carol wrote something similar to me during a session. "Keep eye contact with me and share your feelings and thoughts even when you are scared or crying or else I cannot help you." Then she drew a sad face. (I'm the knight in case you couldn't guess).Today I woke up with a cold but not one that's so bad I'm in bed. It's certainly not enough to keep me from the therapy appointment this morning. So I guess I can write what I'll be talking about with Jeff.
During this time in my recovery the depression is coming back, the seizures are weekly, the CAMS (chronic, acute, major and severe) diagnosis for other mental illness and physical challenges are daily and how do I feel? My brain is mush and unable to strike a match. My emotions are all over the place so I put them in a far away and hard to reach box deep inside. I sit here gazing at the keyboard wondering what to type. Then the anxiety returns and I fade away for a moment.
All this talk and action about the weight loss has become harder and harder each day. I think I've gained about 5-10 pounds during the last month. I'll find out next week when I meet with the dietitian. I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to handle all of this "perfectly." Yet I'm handling it without running away, cutting or attempting suicide again. Some call it progress. I call it miraculous progress.
I'm going to do another irrational/rational writing about my weight and relationship with food. My hope is that "because I am truly a disciple and live as Jesus says, I shall know the truth and the truth shall set me free (John 8:31-32).
Irrational: The fatter I am, the safer I am from other people hurting me.
Rational: I still get hurt no matter what my weight is.
Rational: The fat keeps me away from those who can help me.
Irrational: Overeating takes away the pain.
Rational: Overeating prolongs the pain and adds more pain, physically and emotionally.
Irrational: I am a fatty and I hate myself for being so weak.
Rational. Obesity can be healed. If I choose to follow the plan I was given I will find an inner strength I never knew I had.
Irrational: Nobody understands how hard this is - managing emotions and food.
Rational: You are not alone. Remember your stay at Rogers? Each pair of eyes were filled with sadness and hopelessness. You can choose to revert or choose to move forward. Either way, you need to talk about it so you can live with this disease in a healthy manner.
Irrational: If I'm thin people will compliment me and I'll be embarrassed.
Rational: Get over it. When you're thin you will feel better about yourself knowing the focus is not your weight. It's the heavy burdens you've been carrying on your body that are going to be removed.
Irrational: I don't want to fail.
Rational: That's a rational statement. So what are you going to do about it?
And that's what I'll discuss with Jeff and Dr. Sarah.
