Yeah, this picture sums it up.
I'm starting to feel numb. The denial of Social Security Disability and Social Security Income came as a shock. No matter how many people tell you that the first time is normally a denial of benefits, seeing it in black and white caused all sorts of irrational thinking:
Irrational: They don't like me.
Rational: They don't even know me - it's not personal.
Irrational: I'm not disabled enough.
Rational: I have major mental illnesses and seizures. That's more than enough.
Irrational: I'm a victim again.
Rational: I am a survivor and it's time to use that to my advantage.
Irrational: I have to cut myself in order to feel better.
Rational: I will feel worse and cause unnecessary worry for my family and friends.
Irrational: I should be locked up in a mental institution.
Rational: If I need help, I can go see my psychiatrist or therapist.
Irrational: I won't be taken care of and medically I'll suffer more.
Rational: God is taking care of me and knows my medical needs. He will meet them.
That was an exercise Carol taught me. Take the irrational thinking and turn it around. It raises my ability to deal with reality in a healthy way. Yes, I do have mental illness (chronic, acute, major and severe). Yes, I do struggle with cutting, suicide attempts and suicide thoughts. Yes, there are days I am in bed because my physical body is in so much pain that all I can do is sleep and take a pain pill. That's my life. But it's not my eternal life. It's temporary.
If I can get through each day as Jesus did before he went to the cross I consider myself lucky. He walked alone...I walk with family and friends. God turned away from Him when the sin of the world was upon Him. God never turns away from me or my concerns because Jesus took the brunt of my punishment.
Emotional week? Yes. But I never EVER walk alone.
