Go find rest my weary soul,In a place where others cannot go.
One that is quiet, restful and pure,
A place that's exquisite and offers a cure.
The mental distress the physical stress,
The mental fights the physical flights,
The mental freezers the physical seizures,
All locked up in one storage unit - the brain.
Neurotransmitters up and down,
Serotonin running around,
Nor-epinephrine shouting things out,
I am deaf to the them all as I am fading out.
What does one do when all else is failing?
They write a note that says "It's not anyone's fault."
And hope they keep prevailing.
But if something happens, like suicide instead.
I have to be honest and say it would feel good to be dead.
I love my family, I love my friends, I love my church and I love God.
But the mental roller coaster I'm on is too long of a ride with no end in site.
I've battled this for years and without it being said,
I know God understands how I feel even when I feel I want to be dead.
I can't take the pain, I can't take the suffering,
I can't take the relational losses and I can't take the setbacks.
I love my nephews and nieces with all my heart, I love my family who has always been there for me, I love what few friends I have left and I love God who promises to never leave me. I have a giant called manic depression, mental illness, and many folks don't make it in this life. Many are Christians and just can't do it. I've been fighting for so long - group therapy, individual therapy, etc. I've worked my butt off and still I feel no different. Others have left because they can't handle it, either. Who can blame them? I don't want to be in my skin either.
Is this a suicide note? I don't know. It will be if I commit suicide. But for now, I stay alive. I don't know how and I don't know why.
