Happy Birthday Dad

Dear Dad,

It's been years since I've seen you on your birthday or sent you a card. A couple of days ago I found myself crying because I thought I'd spend the day with you today. Buy you a card, go fishing, find something that could be your urn (because your wife still won't let us see your actual urn), burn a couple packs of Lucky Strikes (unfiltered) for your ashes then set it someplace peaceful.

Now that the day has arrived, it's like any other day. I still think of you. I wish I could give you a card but I'm not sure what to do. I might be visiting a friend in the hospital. When I went to pick out something that looked like an urn I got so choked up I had to put it back. Today is not the day you died. Today is the day you were born.

Born into a sinful world that gave you a hard life. A life you did not deserve just like the life I did not deserve. In many ways we were brought up the same way. Your father's addiction to alcoholism as well as your own, your sexual dysfunction and physical abuse have had everlasting effects on both of us. I believe you have been healed by our Heavenly Father just as I am being healed.

I could not honor you when you were alive. There was too much hurt and too much abuse. We were strangers by the time you died. Now that you have gone on into eternity I can honor you in death.

You see Dad, today used to be your day. But now it is my day. It's my day to either remember you with whatever emotion and expression the Spirit brings to my heart or it's my day to not remember you at all. And that's living in the freedom Christ gives us when our abuser is no longer living or able to hurt us ever again.

I still don't know what I'm going to do or whose day it is. You've only been gone 18 months so this is all new to me. This I do know: I love you, I miss you, I wish we could spend the day fishing together then go to Sam's Club afterward for a hot dog and Coke like we used to.

That would be a perfect way to spend the day with you on your birthday. And yes, I know, you'd want a sentimental card with a Menard's gift card in it!! I'll always remember that one.

Your loving daughter,
Amy