This is what I feel like today. I want to yell and scream about what's going on with me, the circumstances I'm in and how helpless I feel. My need for God and His provision become more evident as time passes. Did you know I've been dealing with all of this since August 3, 2008? Mentally, I've been in the trenches since the summer of 2006?I hate my life today. I see God working all around me with attorneys, finances and other needs but I still feel like physically fighting someone to get the rage out. I've thought about going back into the hospital but all I envision are fights with the people I've come to trust...my psychiatrist, the counselors and social workers. Being a b*!@) won't make anything better. In fact it will make things worse. So what do I do?
I sit here and write about it. I read God's word and His promises for a better future. I sit here and stare into space. I watch the same movies over and over and over again. The ones that have transformation of characters or ones that require no thinking whatsoever. I wake up when the collection agencies start calling. I get dressed in what I wore yesterday. I have no desire to shower or brush my hair or brush my teeth or take care of my hygiene in anyway. I am depressed and I know it.
I'm scared and I know that too. I'm making some tough decisions and acting on them. No one can do them but me. No one else was effected but me. God has given names of attorneys and I'm following through. But the hard work rests on my head, not anyone else's. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone or be near anyone. I will stay inside today and just exist. If for no other reason than to stay alive for my family.
I don't have a knife to cut. I don't have a desire to overeat. I don't have a desire to commit suicide. I just want to be treated fairly with respect. And that ain't happening. I scream on the inside and go to Celebrate Recovery tonight. I plan on asking one of the ladies to be my sponsor. Lord knows I need someone who is further down the path of recovery than I am.
Meier Clinics and New Life Clinics gave me a new life. I'm not the only one.
