Yesterday the attorney called who I wasn't sure would represent me in the appeal for SSD. He did something I didn't expect. He spent the first few minutes grilling me by asking questions using a semi-automatic gun method. I was so thrown by the speed of the questions and overwhelmed by the initial few minutes that I started crying and said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this." As I was about to hang up the phone he changed gears and reassured me that I was doing really good and to continue the conversation.I felt a violated. I know that's a strange word to use when referring to a phone call but it's how I felt. He was screening me and I didn't know it. He made rude comments about how Carol's notes were no longer valid. That hurt my core. I reached a point all too quickly where I couldn't separate what he was saying from how I was feeling or make sense out of what was happening during the phone call. It was a clear sign that I am indeed mentally disabled.
I was so upset after wards that after hanging up the phone I burst into tears and cried for several minutes. A gut wrenching cry. I felt so hopeless, that I'm going to be this way forever. And if I am how do I deal with it? I used to be so smart. Could handle multiple concepts and conversations at one time and now...I can't.
As it turns out, this attorney rejects 70-80% of the people who call him. He said he would take my case. By this time I was numb. He gave me the name of my paralegal and attorney. He said if I couldn't reach either of them to give him a call. I guess I was supposed to feel better but all I could do was write down the information and cry.
I went to a friend's house after wards to make copies of documents I've been needing to mail. I continued crying about it with her. I went to see Jeff today and was still crying. It was so upsetting. I couldn't pinpoint what upset me and I'm still not sure I know. Maybe it's because in the last two weeks I've had to say, "Yes, I am disabled." I hear the words come out of my mouth and it baffles me. I really am disabled. I am mentally and physically disabled. I wonder what God is going to do with my life. I guess I wait.
For now, I do what I'm asked to do by this attorney. I trust that God sent him because he took my case and was referred to me by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. It's hard to see those words (mental illness) yet I know they fit me to a tee. Being disabled doesn't mean I am hopeless. It means I need help. Maybe that's what God is trying to get me...the help I need so I do not live in worry but live in faith.
Here's hoping. One day at a time.
