I'm continuing to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous from the beginning. I read "There Is A Solution" last night. It's helping me with my own stinking thinking and is helping me see how much God as our Creator is woven into the 12 step groups. As I read I think about my Dad, too. The suffering of addiction is life taking when you don't find recovery via the 12 steps and a relationship with God. My Dad never had those benefits. Instead, he chose to walk that road alone and in that alone-ness, died in a way that he didn't have to - lonely. My Dad and I are very similar in that way. In my addiction to food and starvation I live a life of secrecy out of embarrassment for being weak in an area I expect myself to be strong in. I've never been strong when it comes to maintaining a life where my emotions don't get stuffed with food so why do I expect myself to be any different? I think as a Christian I put that pressure on myself to "be good", to "obey God" and to "treat my body as His temple." I feel terrible when I fall, when I feel the weight packing itself back on and the dysfunctional cycle gets going again. So I asked God last night, "What do you want me to do? Just tell me and I'll do it."
I weighed myself this morning. Up another pound. Crap!
I pulled the emotional food out of my cabinets and refrigerator.
I prepared a measured meal with all five elements of the pyramid.
I decided to ask my dietitian for help with cravings.
I'm writing this on my blog so I can hear what I've been deafened to.
In the chapter I read last night there were words like shipwrecked, disaster, peril, cement and common solution. It talks of a way out, joyousness and harmony. There are different stages or types of addiction: social, moderate and hard. Then there was this question: "What about the REAL addict?"
I could relate to being puzzled by my behavior and lack of control. I do absurd, incredible, tragic things while trying to avoid scary feelings that are pushing and pushing to get released. I may look normal on the outside but on the inside I become dangerous to myself. I have the wrong approach to living a healthy life and instead of a well balanced and sensible life, I end up hurting myself.
I end up in the hospital with cuts all over my arms or stomach or other areas. I end up in the psych ward hearing the same thing over and over again. When does the insanity of my behavior stop? When I tell myself the truth about my addiction, my past, my pain and God's plan for complete healing. Not complete forgetting but complete freedom from the stains of someone else's sin I still carry on my body.
The solution is to not give up. Don't give into the lies that Satan influences about my never becoming a desirable, lovable and worthwhile person whom God can and is using to change lives. I don't want to live the life my Dad did. I want to live a life that is community bound, not isolated; is not controlled by the addiction but inspired by it to become a better person; and is focused on the forgiving, redeeming and forever love of Jesus Christ who died to set me free.
He doesn't want me to live in the shackles of obsessive eating. He wants me to live in the freedom of sensible eating and friction free feeling. That's what I want, too.
