While continuing to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I finished reading Chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism." Here's what I'm learning:I am still easily triggered by words I still don't know how to filter through this addict and insecure brain/heart. I was at a friend's house last night and woke up from a brief nap with a painful headache. I overheard a phone conversation she was having. When I heard the words, "I can't come over now," I felt like a third wheel, in the way of someone elses happiness. Worst of all, I snowballed the feelings into her not wanting me to be there which was not the truth. In my upset, I almost ran home which in my condition was pure adrenalin and not at all wise. It was 10:30 at night, dark outside and the way home is not exactly lit well. I did not give my friend a chance to help me nor did I calm down enough by the time I got home to tell her what I was feeling.
The trigger was not feeling wanted.
The reaction was to runaway.
Those are all to familiar from my childhood.
Those are next to be healed.
Why is it when someone does nothing directly to us that we react so brokenly? Despite all the work I've continued to do I guess this one has slipped through the cracks. In the old days I would run away from the friendship and deem it too hard to deal with. When the truth is that I have to deal with myself, not my friend. She loves me as much as anyone has and wants to know what happened. I have to be humble enough and vulnerable to say what triggered me, how I felt and why I ran.
I don't like to think that I am different from anyone else either in my body or mentally. The truth is that I am and so are you. We may share common experiences but none of us shares the exact same feelings or reactions associated with those experiences.
I can find ways to cope that expose the pain instead of stifling it. As an Introvert, I tend to hide. Okay, I hide a lot. The Big Book says, "I am absolutely unable to stop this behavior on the basis of self-knowledge. I need God and the safe fellowship of others to help me out of the pit I crawled into."
This morning, I can write about it. Later today, I'll talk about it. I still have a headache and I still want to run but are those the best decisions that will lead me down the path of wholeness and happiness that God wants to give me? No.
Triggers and how I react to them are completely within my control. I need help at times because I get lost in the midst of them but I know as long as I allow God to change my heart, to repair my mind and to rebuild my brokenness, all will be well.
Not perfect, but well.
