It was another night of eventful dreams. This time, my Dad was at our house laying on a coffee table with a tube sticking out of his neck. It was the only thing keeping him alive. None of us wanted to pull it out. But in the end of the dream, we realized it was the only thing we could do and had to let him go.Why is the process of grief so untouchable when what causes it isn't? He's been gone for over a year and the grief feels like it just happened. More accurately, it feels worse. I cry in the dream, I rationalize in the dream, I anguish in the dream, I see his face and body in the dream then I wake up to a photograph. A memory. A heart that is heavy with remorse and wishes that won't ever come true.
That's what's so hard. Reality. Not being able to change the past. Not the past of my childhood. But the reality of no new memories to be made, to be changed or be fully alive. There's a dead zone in my heart. The place where he is - is now dead. He was always my Daddy. He will always be my Daddy.
Maybe that's why I've been so sick these past couple of weeks. I needed to be weak enough physically to cry and let it out. I certainly have no power to keep it inside. And the thrashing was a signal that once again I needed to let go.
I don't know how my Dad died. I really don't. I don't know if he asked Joan to help him commit suicide. I don't know if she did it herself. But I can tell you this: He didn't die "naturally". She moved out and moved on too quickly for that to be true. Even the lawyer agrees.
For a daughter to lose her Dad is hard. That's all there is to it.
"Dear Dad...I love you. I miss what we once shared and wish we could have held onto it awhile longer. But you couldn't. Maybe we became too intimate, knowing each other too well. I want you to know how much I miss you - as a person, including your weirdness. We all have weirdness. None of us is perfect. And none of us escapes our need for the Perfect One. I hope you found Him in your days of youth. I hope you are with Him in your eternal days. I hope one day we see each other in Heaven and rejoice in complete healing. Our love for each other never died. Your body died but your memory will live on forever. Good or bad, it will live on forever. I promise not to ever let you go. You are my Dad. My one and only Dad. And I will always be your daughter...your first born of three precious girls. This year I will celebrate Father's Day and your birthday for the first time in four years. I don't know what I'll do on those days but it will be something special between you and I. Perhaps fishing or carpentry or just sitting and talking. But it will be ours. No one will be able to steal it away from us.
Until then Dad, be at peace. I pray your soul is at peace.
Love Amy Kathleen."
