The End

As this blog comes to an end I want to thank those of you who read it.

I will be starting another blog. You will be notified personally of it's address. It will be restricted to certain readers.

I don't know if the purpose or content will change all that much. I've changed over the last three years and believe God is still in the process of completing a good work in me.

My best to you in the future.
Amy

Ask for Healing

Dear God,

You already know the condition of my heart. You already know the condition of my mind. You already know the condition of my will. You already know the condition of my soul.

You've been with me in therapy with Carol. You've been with me as I sob tears of grief and loss. You've been with me as I accept what I cannot change. You've been with me in my aloneness.

You've directed my path to the book of Hosea. You've directed my path to Victory Over The Darkness. You've directed my path to He Is. You've directed my path to rest well.

You know the dreams I've been experiencing. You know the pseudo seizures have returned with intensity and longevity. You know I'm afraid to be around groups of people. You know I'm afraid of the meeting on the 23rd.

You know my heart. You know my mind. You know the condition of my physical limitations. You know the chemicals in my brain are fuzzy at best.

I know you love me. I know you are teaching me more about who you are and who you are not. I know you are sending words of wisdom from mature women in Christ. I know you are in control of my life and have goals preset that will be achieved.

As hard as this season is, I pray for you to heal my former friends. I pray for you to heal my heart from those hurts. I pray for you to heal the hearts of the ones who are helping me through this. I pray for you to heal and comfort those who are diagnosed with cancer and dying from cancer. I pray for their families, friends and caretakers. So much disease, so much death - my friends hearts are aching.

You alone are the one I praise. You alone are the one I fully trust. You alone are the one who can heal me emotionally. You alone know all of the broken pieces and hold them in your tender hands of mercy and grace.

Please heal me emotionally. No matter how hard it gets, please grant me the courage to walk in your direction, talk to your people and hold my pillow while I rock myself in a fetal position. Remind me that you have me in your hands and you will never drop me.

Love and adoration for the Most High God,
Amy Kathleen

Forgive the Person

Dear God,

Because of your forgiveness to me, I forgive Jill for her offenses. She hurt me deeply by making promises she could not keep. I believe she is projecting her past onto me and for that I cannot do anything. So Lord, if that's the way you want to use me so she can heal from that terrible wound, please continue to use me. I want what's best for her and right now it's for the two of us to not be in each others lives.

I want to thank you for letting me have her as a friend for the short time she was here. She made a huge impact in my life. She was sweet, caring, sacrificing, truthful and yes, I do believe she loved me as best she knew how.

Please forgive me for the ways I hurt her. Most of all my immature communication. God, I forgive myself for not knowing how to react to people who want to be close to me and help me. I forgive myself for lashing out at this disease and blaming myself for having it. I forgive myself for self-inflicted marks I've made permanent on my / your body. I forgive myself for not always knowing what to do in complicated circumstances.

God, even though I don't understand why you've allowed so much pain in my life, I forgive you. I can no longer blame you for the sin of Adam and Eve who, by fulfilling their own self-will, imposed disease and brokenness on all of humanity.

Please teach me how to love myself and others when true love is sometimes so painful to hang in there. Teach me who to let go of, who to keep, who to trust and who to fully trust. I am ignorant in this area and I ask for your help.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Confess My Sin To God

Dear God,

I confess the sin of immature expression of anger, destructive thoughts to her vehicle, bitterness that her leadership position outranked my value as a participant, feelings of superiority, and self-pity that I lost another relationship because of my mental illness.

I think I'm also ticked off at you because you gave me this brain chemical problem but I'm learning to accept it as another thorn in my flesh. It cuts off the people who love me and I allow it to do that. I don't know how to integrate people or educate them about mental illness. I feel resentful toward them because they either don't understand, don't want to understand, stay away from me because my behavior scares them or they leave me when they said they loved me.

I don't trust as easily as I used to, even the people who've known me for many years. I hate liars and people who want to be friends when it's convenient for them, doesn't ask them to change or reach out, and don't want me around their kids because of it. I really resent it. But I can't change it.

I guess Lord, I have to trust you first in all things. No matter how painful these relationships become, I can't pretend everything is okay or will go back to the way it used to be. It can't. I'm not the same and have to be very careful and guarded with my time, energy and emotions.

For now, I am who I am. Sin and all. I ask for your forgiveness of these sins and to teach me how to be more like Christ. Patient, slow to anger, quick to forgive, and to listen or ponder the words being said. I am weak in those areas and need your strength to become strong.

Love Amy

It Is What It Is

I hate unresolved conflict in relationships.
I hate people who send messages through others.
I hate being confronted by someone who knows nothing about the situation.
I hate leaders who hide from uncomfortable circumstances.
I hate, I hate, I hate being given a broken heart for the sake of someone else's dysfunction.

I love God.
I love God's word.
I love that He uses pain to grow me.
I love the fact that HE IS who He says HE IS.
I love, love, love being given a second chance when I screw up when people on this earth can't conceive of such a thought.

---------------------------------------------------------

With this ring,
I thee wed,
My Savior Jesus,
Whose blood was shed,
To set me free from a life in hell,
Locked inside a corpse's shell.

He gave me breath,
He gave me strife,
He promised to us,
Eternal Life.

This ring I wear is not for show,
It's to remind me of my Savior,
Who created me long ago.
He's given me purpose,
Somedays it's hard to find.
But I know with God as my Father,
I'm always on His mind.

So no matter what my mood,
No matter what the pain,
I'll bring it to my Savior,
Again and again.

Ask for God's Perspective

Dear God,

I ask for your perspective on myself, Jill and the situation. Speak now Lord for your servant is listening...

Dear Amy,

You have been hurting for a long time at the loss of Jill, much like the grief of a death. I understand how you are feeling and want to give you some insight.

You were not well for several months this summer. The seizures and medications you were on caused you to react to situations in ways the people around you didn't understand. Since your contact with people was so small, there were few who understood and supported you through email. But those walking with you daily were overcome by your inability to cope and multiple hospitalizations.

I put a sparkle, a kindling, a flame in your hearts when you first met Jill. Her heart was so tender toward you. She had hopes of being able to help you with your sexual abuse recovery under the guidance of Celebrate Recovery and her own healing process. You had hopes of having a new friend, someone who was on the other side to guide you and comfort you as the last 10% was finished.

Do you remember all that was going on in Jill's life? Marissa, her sister, the two friends who abandoned her that hurt deeply for Jill, her Mom, some of the things she talked to you about and trusted in you? She was not prepared (no one was) for what was going to happen a few months later. She gave you one of her most precious items, the purple cross she wore during her time of healing. When you returned it to her without an explanation, she didn't understand and was hurt. She was hurt with the "lies" and doesn't understand who you are or what you're like today. She doesn't want to know.

The situation as it stands today saddens me. Yes, codependency played a role in both your actions and your reactions to Jill just like her codependency played a role in her actions and reactions to you. But is that a good enough reason to pour water on the flame I lit between you? Both of you have been given free will and so far all you've done is hurt one another. I know you apologized Amy but what you did in action needs to be apologized for in person.

My prayer for both of you is that as you seek to know my will, purpose and direction for your lives, you'll follow it. I want you at Long Grove. Please pray for you and Jill to find a way to mend your relationship. You're right by starting with acceptance for where the two of you are but someone has to make the first move by using the voice I've given each of you. Will it be you? Will it be Jill?

That's all I have to say, Amy. I love you and I love Jill. You are my daughters. You are sisters in my Son's name. Sisters fight and when they truly love one another, sisters talk and forgive one another.

Love God


Thank you, Lord. I shall ponder these things in my heart.
Love Amy

Admit Your Emotions - To God

Dear God,

Now it's time to forgive Jill. Here are the emotions I feel:

abused, angry, bitter, bleak, blocked, blue, burdened, codependent, concerned, confused, controlled, deceived, discounted, discouraged, dismayed, disregarded, disrespected, down, embarrassed, empty, excluded, exhausted, explosive, failure, fearful, frustrated, fuming, furious, guilty, hateful, heavy hearted, helpless, hostile, hurt, ignored, infuriated, insulted, jealous, mad, malice, mean, misunderstood, obsessed, on edge, peeved, questioning, rage, ready to fight, regretful, resentful, restless, revengeful, shocked, sick, sorrowful, sorry, spiteful, steaming, suffering, suspicious, tearful, tense, tentative, tired, tricked, unanswered questions, uncaring, uncertain, uneasy, upset, used, unsafe, weary, weighed down, withdrawn, worn out, victim, victimized.

A lot of anger, A lot of hurt.
A lot of questions, A lot of wondering.

These are my feelings, they cause me to groan.
No one can take them away or call them their own.
For feelings are given by You to express what's inside,
It's your wisdom I seek in expressing them, where I want to abide.

Jill has her own list, it is long against me I'm sure.
I pray she is able to get to the other side so her beautiful heart can be pure.
She had good intentions, that much I believe,
It's how she ended our relationship - that's what I grieve.

Lord, help me as I go through this exercise to be honest and true,
For it is in my heart to hide but not really from you.
The sexual abuse flashbacks are starting up again,
Show me how to become a whole person, integrated and mend.

Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Admit Your Emotions - 3

When someone sends you an email
That ends a relationship you shared
Do you think it's an appropriate form of communication
Or does it make you mad?

I feel it's the poorest of communications and it makes me feel mad.

I received one the end of July
With an "explanation" of sorts
Citing the reasons why
I had fallen short.

The ending was, "Do not contact me,
I will not respond."
From a Christian sister
Who supposedly follows God.

This email has bothered me,
Let's just say,
I'd rather she'd sat across from me
and talked to me one day.

I'm sure she has her reasons
As most of us do
To not confront issues
Out of fear or codependency, too.

So I admit I am hurt
I feel sad inside.
For I've already apologized
But she's made up her mind.

Where does it stand,
This two sided gap?
In the hands of God
Who will guide each step.

So I pray for her spirit
And I pray for mine, too.
That God's will be done
and I let go of expecting her to....

Respond, accept my apology, forgive me, talk this out, not re-establish a friendship but clear the air, tell me what I did that was so terrible or to care.

That's the first step. Admitting I'm powerless over her choices and not letting my life become unmanageable because of them. To live in the freedom Christ died for me to have. To work on my own issues, my own inventory, my own side of the street. To know I've done all I can to make it right. I can't control her or her behavior. If she doesn't want to make it right, then let her go and pray for her to have all the good things I have. Pray the resentment prayer so I don't get hooked into Satan's snare. Grieve the loss and move on.

Train

October 16, 2009

Dear Carol,

It was so good to hear your voice today. I wanted to give you a brief update of the happenings of the past week so it’s charted as we head into God’s plan for the next era of my healing and recovery.

This week has been filled with blessings of family mixed with migraines and trips to the ER. I saw my new neurologist who took me off the Topomax citing it causes kidney stones (now they tell me!) and switched it to Propanolol 40mg twice daily. As I wean off the Topomax I notice my body does not like it, especially with the pseudo seizures.

Last night was especially difficult. The dreams were vivid and very realistic. I dreamt I was joining my mom on a trip she had to go on for Kemper which included a series of connections between airline flights and trains in the horn of Africa (far northeast corner) where the poorest people live, like the people in Burma. The passengers consisted of me and my entire family, people from Bright Hope, and you and Jeff as the conductors.

The train traveled like a roller coaster through mountains of rock sometimes at top notch speeds where you took over the steering. Some of my family members were scared but I reassured them that this was safe traveling, normal for the region of Africa we were in and the type of traveling we were doing. The tracks at times went completely upside down but nothing fell and there were no injuries to anyone. It seemed normal.

What wasn’t normal was this part. When we arrived at our destination, somehow I saw this and it made me sick to my stomach. Having had a migraine and being up all night anyway (in real life), this didn’t help matters. I dreamt there was an assembly line of girls and boys, ages 6-7, lined up with a red folded metal chair separating them. They were told to step forward then dropped into a big blender where they not only died but their remains were being served to naïve visitors as specialty drinks. It made me sick in real life. In my dream, I told my nephews and nieces not to look and we kept walking.

I can’t get those images out of my head. The migraine from Monday is finally gone but those images represent something. When I woke up, after an hour or two, I had a pseudo seizure that lasted for an hour. I was up most of the night wondering why God had me up and why I was given that dream.

I did a lot of intercessory prayer, a lot of rocking and shifting in my bed. At one point all eight cats were in bed with me and then there were none. It was if they said, “Hey, we’re comfortable. What’s your problem?” I read some passages in scripture about fear and peace which helped then put on some relaxation music throughout the entire night.

I focused on Jesus holding me and me holding Him. I thought of you, my family, my friends, the blessings God’s given to me but nothing calmed me down. I knew I needed another session with you so I analyzed my October spending, found where I could cut corners and made the appt for next week. Now I feel more at ease and can lie down peacefully.

I’m sure we’ll talk about this next week. Have a terrific weekend!!!

Love Amy

Sisters In Jesus

I am very grateful for my sisters in Jesus. One calls me "Sis" and lives in The Village; One calls me "little sis" and lives in Fox River Grove; Another secretly calls me "Sister" and lives in Naperville; Then there is one named Smokey who lives in Streamwood. Each of these women have been walking with Christ for many years and live out their walks in their daily lives.

No matter how often we talk or the miles between us I know I can count on them when I need an ear to listen to what's floating in my head or struggling between my ears. Sometimes it's a long time between conversations but the love, hugs and prayers we share for one another remain strong. Sometimes we get impatient because of schedules but again the love, hugs and prayers go out for one another. Sometimes distance can seem so far away but an email or a three hour conversation easily reconnects the hearts of sisters who love each other, challenge each other, encourage one another, cheer one another and pray for each other to the God who hears all and sees all in the lives of those we love and cherish.

It's hard when our sister is going through a rough time. That's when we get callouses on our knees from praying for them. When there are tears and their hearts are aching, as best we can, we wrap our arms around them and let them know they are not alone - everything will work out. Best of all, God has placed us there to walk with them and we won't leave them no matter how bad it gets. I remember a time when my Naperville sister sat in a chair brokenhearted before me in tears. I asked if I could give her a hug. Unable to speak she nodded yes. I slowly crawled over to her and wrapped my arms around her, holding her firmly as she rested her head on my shoulder and cried. I continued holding her as I rocked her and rubbed her back telling her everything was going to work out. This lasted for several minutes. When she was able to speak she looked at me and said through tears, "I had no idea how gentle you are." I smiled and said, "It's one of my best kept secrets." She smiled. It was a special moment.

Which one of your sisters needs to know you love them today? Don't let the day end without telling them...then tell them why.

Stay In Step With God

Stay - To support, prop, hold, stop, halt, tarry, linger, sojourn, visit, remain, wait.

In - Surrounded by, within the boundaries of, within the time of, concerning the subject of, as a part of, enclosed, not out of, into the center of, to the midst of, in the direction of, under, near, against, toward, in the act of, during the process of, while occupied with, during, meanwhile.

Step - Pace, stride, gait, tread, rest, run, round, rung, level, footprint, footmark, imprint, impression, trace, mark, in agreement with, coinciding with, similar to, see alike, do something, start, intervene, be careful, take precautions, advance, recede, go forward, climb, rise, improve, intensify, increase.

With - In the midst of, in association, among, along with, in company with, arm in arm, hand in glove, in conjunction with, among other things, beside, alongside of, including.

God - Lord, Jehovah, Yahweh, the Almighty, the King of Kings, the Godhead, the Creator, the Maker, the Supreme Being, the Ruler of Heaven, Our Father in Heaven, Almighty God, God Almighty, the Deity, the Divinity, Providence, the All-knowing, the Infinite Spirit, the First Cause, the Lord of Lords, the Supreme Soul, the All-wise, the All-merciful, the All-powerful, the Trinity, Threefold Unity; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; God the Son, Jesus Christ, Christ, Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, The Nazarene, The Messiah, The Savior, the Redeemer, The Son of God, the Son of Man, The Son of Mary, The Lamb of God, Immanuel, Emmanuel, the King of the Jews, the Prince of Peace, the Good Shepherd, the Way, the Door, the Truth, the Life, the Light, the Christ Child, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God. (The supreme deity of all other religions)

Nicole C. Mullen and Yolanda Adams at the 2007 Sisters In The Spirit on TBN

True Loyalty

Dear God,

What is your plan for today? I'm still quite tired, a decreased appetite, chilled to the bone and a mind that is processing physical ailments. It was great to talk with Carol last night. We were like two giddy school girls who missed each other very much and were able to tell each other so. She's right - after all the work we've done together it's natural we'd become attached in a healthy way. Now it's up to me to do some paperwork and schedule a two hour session so we can catch up and see what you have planned next.

The sound of her voice was soothing. The laughter in her voice was childlike. The excitement in both our voices was probably uncommon for a therapist and a client but we don't care. We know you brought us together and placed a special bond of love and respect between us. One we've learned to accept and honor. What a gift we are to each other.

I could fall asleep right now. Maybe I'll rest. My body seems to need a lot of it. Even as I sit and type, my eyes close and drift away to the safe place on Carol's couch with her reading scripture to me as my eyes are closed and my anxiety slowly fades away...

Thank you for the gift of her faithful and loyal friendship. We know we break some of the rules but we also know you are the author of our relationship. And in that, we put our full trust.

Love Amy

When God's People Pray

I was thinking this morning about all the answered prayer God has sent down from Heaven not only to benefit my circumstances but to move in the hearts of those who are walking this path with me through prayer. This is what I have to give to you...my faithful prayer warriors.

Enjoy!



(Lyrics)

WHEN GOD'S PEOPLE PRAY

Deep in the dark of despair
Deep in my heart there's a prayer
That faith will reign over fear
That courage and strength will be mine

My heart is heavy I don't understand
Yet I know my life is in your hands

I realize that I am incapable
Of changing alone the impossible
But I believe in miracles
Together our voices will rise

We are not powerless in the face of fear
As one we will stand and make our voices clear

When God's people pray things will change
When God's people pray all the earth will obey
My faith can't be shaken because I have seen
The amazing, miraculous happens
When God's people pray

Our defense in danger
Our light in the midst of life
Our strength in the weakest moment
Our hope through the night, the night

All things are possible when we let go
Let go of what we can't control

When God's people pray things will change
When God's people pray all the earth will obey
My faith can't be shaken because I have seen
The amazing, miraculous happens
When God's people pray

The peace that we need will only come when we get on our knees

Psalm 25:4-5

Dear God,

This is the second day I've felt really good. The worship service yesterday had me in tears. So much so I thought I was going to release years of pent up shame, pain, bitterness and resentment all at once. I give you praise for helping me recognize those separate feelings instead of blubbering one big ball of mess.

Then the song....the one I've never heard but resounded in my heart the prayers I've been sharing with you privately the last week. It's found in Psalm 25:4-5:

"Show me the path where I should walk,
O LORD;
point out the right road for me to follow.

Teach me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you."

I cried again knowing you've heard my prayers and will answer them according to your plan and purpose for my life. I have to be patient and not jump the gun at what looks good in front of me at the moment. It's a weakness I've had for a very long time. It often gets me into trouble relationally. I've had enough of that for now.

So Lord? Thank you for supplying the resources to purchase the DVD. I will spend more time watching it for two reasons: The worship, as a reminder that you hear my every prayer and are in the process of setting up the right church, position and time commitment where I can use my gifts and two, for the reminder that my sexuality is a gift from you.

I love you, Father. My eyes are fixed on yours. What beautiful eyes you have. I wish I could look at them all the days of my life.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Here's the worship song. Click on the box in the lower right that looks like a flag. It will expand the video to a full screen view so you can see what Aaron is drawing. Press your escape key at the end to return to the blog:

Justice

Our pastor preached on sexuality today. How do these two subjects go together when he never talked about abuse issues? I believe God covered it in Isaiah 61:

"Good News for the Oppressed"

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.
5 Foreigners will be your servants.
They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
and tend your vineyards.
6 You will be called priests of the Lord,
ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
and boast in their riches.
7 Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

8 “For I, the Lord, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be recognized
and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
the Lord has blessed.”

10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
11 The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.

AMEN!!

Home

Dear God,

I am tired, out of energy, drained, pain comes and goes, worn out, torn up, and want to sleep the day away.

I dream of coming home to my mansion where it will be filled with the voices of angels, the sound of peaceful streams of running water, the coolness of a fall breeze and dim sunlight that won't cause a headache. Wait...there won't be headaches in heaven! No phones, no conflict, no crap.

My work here is not done. I'd miss my family and I know they'd be brokenhearted if I weren't here. So I'll go take a nap. The heavenly peace will have to wait.

Love Amy

P.S. Even the cats are sleeping.

Here's a good one of my cat Mr. Fluffy:

When Do I Get To Speak?

Dear God,

When do I get to speak? When do I get to have a voice in all I've been through these past three years? When do I get to shout from the roof tops that I had several mental break downs, breakthroughs, friendships gained and friendships lost? When do I get to grieve and face the loss of people I loved for so many years, built into and now don't return emails? What do I do with those hurts, those tears and those sorrows?

When do I get to address mental illness, it's effect on all aspects of my life least of all relationships I wasn't able to maintain without their help and the inability to get to church. When do I get to express the distance I feel from many in the Christian community who need to be educated or who really could give a crap about this kind of thing? When do I get to pour out my rage against those who speak badly against me for having this mental disease over which I have no control other than taking my daily meds, staying in therapy twice a week, seeing my psychiatrist monthly and getting out of bed or resting, depending on what my body and mind need?

When do I get to serve my Savior again? How and with who? At South Barrington? At McHenry County? Is it still with Long Grove? I have a bouncing ball in my head that is directed toward prayer in this area but still it bounces from place to place. The only consistent place it seems to land is intercessory prayer. Pleading on behalf of those who need a touch from God to set their spirit free however that freedom may come. Maybe sharing my story and compassion for what they are going through. Holding their hand and lifting their heart toward God.

I need a voice. Not an audience. I need to find my voice. And then, I need to shout to whoever will listen. I need to shout to the throne of Grace. Like Joyce Meyer says, "It's me again, Lord."

Love Amy

What Is A Friend?

Dear God,

What is a friend? I know what I'd like my friend to be:

A woman who sees value in herself and others, including me.
Someone who is balanced in her emotions.
A woman who knows God approves of her successes as well as her faults.
Someone who is able to laugh and able to cry.
A woman who is has a strong presence and gentle arms to hold me when I cry.
Someone who is afraid and has courage to admit it then moves on.
A woman who takes my hand and leads me out of places she's already climbed out of.
Someone who prays to you, studies your Word and remembers to pray for me.
A woman who can receive from me what I have to give at that moment.
Someone who is secure in their relationship with you.
A woman who can say, "No" in a way that is sensitive, not hurtful.
Someone who tries to understand why I do what I do during mental breakdowns.
A woman who is strong enough to not leave me when I am at my weakest point.
Someone who understands my love languages of touch and time with boundaries.
A woman who has little girls inside and we discover and value them together.
Someone who when she hurts me, listens with her ears and not her mouth.
A woman who does not make excuses but can honestly say, "I'm sorry."
Someone who when she does need to leave my life, has a discussion in person - not through email.

Is there such a person? Probably not in any one person but I bet if I look hard enough I'll find a lot of these qualities in the safe people in my life today.

Love Amy

Pray for the Person

Yikes.....

Dear Heavenly Father,

As you bring Stephanie, her therapist and her posse to mind, please help me to pray for them as your Holy Spirit leads me. I still hold a lot of anger and hurt against all of them. I can easily be lead down the road of resentment. Ah, the resentment prayer from AA. Let's start there, just for today:

Page 67, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: "We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick woman. How can I be helpful to her? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."

TouchPoint Bible definition of Resentment: "Part envy, part spite, part bitterness, resentment is a slow-burning anger that consumes the soul. The experience of pain due to real or perceived injustices is common to all of us but resentment is clinging to and feeding those hurts until they dominate our life. The Bible indicates that the cure for resentment is the confession of bitterness and a willingness, with God's help, to forgive the offender."

1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cease us from every wrong."

Prayer often begins with a confession of sin.

Thank you Lord, for hearing my heart when words fail me. I know what I need to do. Please provide an accountability partner so I may repeat the words of the leper, "Thank you Jesus for making me clean."

Love Amy

Ask God to Heal You Emotionally

Dear Heavenly Father,

For a few months now I've been dreaming about trains. Being on one that goes up and down hills like a roller coaster; being unaware of how a complicated track works - where do cars go, when do they cross, how the signals work, etc; then last night was an above double decker set of tracks where I had no idea how to get my car across, came close to being smashed by an on coming train but followed a car up five steps to get out. It was messy, disorienting and confusing.

It all feels similar to the emotional healing that's taking place. Sometimes I'm on the train, other times I'm on my feet trying to cross the tracks. Sometimes I'm in my car trying to cross the tracks, other times I almost get killed. So the related feelings would be:

Safe
Confident or Taking a Risk
Challenged
Full of Fear but I am able to get to the other side

There are probably more emotional labels but Jeff can help with those later if need be. I've been praying for emotional healing since I can remember. I believe you have been answering that prayer at a steady pace though at times I've ditched the entire process. Those were the times I saw the on coming train and felt tied to the tracks, unable to move. It was then that I lept off the path of healing.

I know this exercise wants me to pray for Stephanie everyday but I believe that is unhealthy. I'm moving on now.

Now I need your help to stop cutting and to follow through on the doctors you have put before me. All of them. No matter what the diagnosis, I am to accept it. All of it. My mom is right. Jesus is my life preserver and without Him, I would have succeeded with one of the attempted suicides. Thank you for saving me.

Love Amy

Forgive the Person

Dear God,

I feel I am to forgive three people: Stephanie, Bonnie and myself.

I forgive Stephanie for the way she has chosen to handle this situation and how she has treated me. It has been very hurtful. Consequently, it has ended a future for this friendship. I ask you to bring her comfort and peace as she works through this and related issues so she can live a life that is free from the daily pain of her past and begin to enjoy the gifts you give her everyday. Help her to see herself as a special creation, as we all are, with specific gifts designed to build your kingdom so others can receive the joy and freedom Christ offers through substitutionary atonement. Help her to feel needed but not needy; to feel loved but not dependent on others love; to feel confident in her skills because you wired her up that way and have people affirm those in her; and then Lord, help her to soar with wings like eagles and run with the deer in the meadows.

I forgive all those people who gave her counsel having never spoken with me. They'll have to confess their sins to you themselves, Lord, but I do forgive them.

This is a hard one because it has been hard to know what to do. I've had a sharp pain in my heart where Bonnie is concerned. I think it has to do with my own hurt and perhaps holding onto a resentment though she has been truthful each time I've asked her hard questions. I made a big mistake, Lord. I thought since Bonnie now had a small group, her kids were getting married and she now had grandchildren she no longer wanted me as her best friend. Especially since I've had so many physical and mental problems. I decided for her to stay away so I wouldn't hear those words, "I have to schedule time for you and I don't want my kids around you because your medication doesn't make you look or act right. I can't have them around you" which was already said one time when we met before work. That was heartbreaking to hear and I was unable to process it, trying to make sense of it. So, I stayed away.

I love her and I miss her. I made a huge mistake by ever thinking Stephanie was my best friend. I think it was because she accepted my illness as I was each day and didn't reject me being around Jaimie until the end when she called me mentally unstable.

So Lord? Because of your forgiveness of me, I forgive Stephanie for her lack of maturity and I forgive myself. Please help me to let go of Stephanie. I put her life in the palm of your hand.

Love Amy

Confess to God any Sin

Dear God,

When you gave me a high IQ I wonder why I wasn't given the gift of mercy or patience for other people's "less than." I feel superior most of the time because I can figure things out in a logical structured way that works 99% of the time. But the people you surround me with are the opposite. They are simple folk, simple thinkers, sometimes they're embarrassed because I'm so smart and they compare themselves to me. I try to dumb down but it's so very hard because I like being smart.

But then there are times it hurts people. Sometimes, the absolute truth doesn't need to be told or at least not by me. I begin to resent them because they don't appreciate my gift. In fact, they make fun of it so I become bitter and use my gift to outwit their stupidity. Then I am superior once again and they can't touch me because I've smartly built an impenetrable wall around me. And then I cannot be defeated or found.

People the below applies to: Stephanie, Robin, Sheryl, Catherine, Jane, Gaye, Anita

I resent people who use others to make their decisions for them.
I resent people who lie about their use of alcohol and pot.
I am bitter toward people who make others beg for forgiveness in order to have their friendship reestablished.
I am bitter toward those who have pets and don't take proper care of them.
I resent people who complain all the time.
I resent people who can't make up their minds whether to stay or whether to go.
I am bitter toward people who use you for your things.
I am bitter toward people who verbally abuse their teenage daughter.
I resent people who form an opinion of someone they've never met.
I resent people who form an opinion based on one side of the story.
I resent people who judge others outright based on their mental stability.
I resent people who judge others when doctors are in charge of that person.
I pity people who think they know better than the person who is experiencing the trauma.
I pity people who have to lie and deceive in order to get their way.

I confess I am not perfect. I confess I am guilty of some of the above. I ask for the forgiveness of Jesus Christ who died on the cross to wipe away my sinful behavior and in that blood has washed me white as snow.

Please help me release these feelings Lord so I can one day look at Stephanie and not want to puke but meet her eyes, say hello and keep on walking in your freedom. And may she one day be set free from her confessions as well. I pray the best for her even though she hurt me deeply and scarred my heart.

Love Amy



Lyrics:

"THERE WILL COME A DAY"

It's not easy trying to understand
How the world can be so cold, stealing the souls of man
Cloudy skies rain down on all your dreams
You wrestle with the fear and doubt
Sometimes it's hard but you gotta believe

Chorus:
There's a better place, where our Father waits
And every tear He'll wipe away
The darkness will be gone, the weak shall be strong
Hold on to your faith
There will come a day
There will come a day
There will come a day

Wars are raging, lives are scattered
Innocence is lost, and hopes are shattered
The old are forgotten, the children are forsaken
In this world we're living in
Is there anything sacred?

(Chorus)

The song will ring out, down those golden streets
The voices of earth with the angels will sing (hallelujah)
Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace
Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace
There will come a day, there will come a day (2x)
Oooh there will come a day
Oooh there will come a day
I know there's coming a day, coming a day

Ask for God's Perspective

"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Eph. 4:32

Dear God,

What is your perspective on my behaviors/actions/reactions, Stephanie's behaviors/actions/reactions and our situation? Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.....

My dearest Amy,

Both of you are lost and caught up in a whirlwind of being right instead of helping one another. You've spent the last month fighting over who's perspective is right, who made the choices, who's responsibility is it to do so and so and look what happened? Your friendship stretched like a rubber band and snapped.

I understand and have compassion for both of your behavior. Neither one of you have been medicated properly for your depression so neither one of you have any business making major decisions especially when it comes to your friendship. And who brought you together? I DID!!! I'm so upset with both of you that I could knock your heads together. And what's this non-sense about who's giving permission for the two of you to talk to one another?? TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!!!! Christ died on the cross so there didn't have to be a mediary. It hurts me to see both of you in so much pain especially because both of you created it yourself. Now, are you going to fix it? That's a choice both of you have to make together.

Honestly Amy, I don't know if the situation is mendable. I know you have trust issues and I know my dear Stephanie does, too. I know you both scare each other with how much you love each other and think it's unnatural. It's not. You are meant to love and be loved. You are meant to share your lives. Not in an unnatural way but as friends who have been dealt terrible hurtful childhoods. You can help little Stephie to feel safe, to be hugged when she's scared and to come out and play. Stephanie can comfort little Amy when she's shaking from being beaten so much and remembers all the bruises all over her little body.

But Amy, both of you have to be willing to forgive one another and go one step beyond that. You have to let each other go and not cling to one another but cling to Me instead. Branch out to the people I've put into your lives. I know it's hard but you'll be so much healthier.

My perspective is this: Take some time away from each other. Heal yourselves, heal your hurts then come back to one another and talk. You have to talk, not run. You have to listen to one another, not other people. You have to pray to Me, not depend on other people's advice.

Amy, I want you to keep your love for Stephanie fresh in your heart and work through your hurt and anger. You never know what's going to happen. Someday, you might need her or she might need you. Both of you need to be ready for each other.

Love God

Lord, please give me the courage of conviction to digest the truth you have spoken to my heart, soul and mind. If Stephanie is doing this exercise, please give her insight so she can experience the raw honesty you have planned for her growth. I love her and want her to grow too, Lord.

Love Amy

Admit Your Emotions - Anger

Dear God,

These are my feelings about Stephanie.

I feel betrayed, used, taken advantage of, deceived, mislead, swindled, fooled, robbed, defrauded, lead astray, made a sucker, taken for a ride, ensnared, lured, baited, defrauded, sucked in, conned, cheated, lied to, lied about, yanked, jerked, thrown away, trashed, ganged up on, turned against, she tried to turn my family against me but they didn't budge, false friendship, deceitful love,

I feel she was ungrateful because she did not say thank you for the use of my vehicle for 6+ months when I paid for 95% of the expenses.

I feel betrayed because I apologized for ending the friendship and thought we were starting over (So, Sheryl's not in town right now).

I feel used for meals and other things I provided. She didn't thank me.

I feel taken advantage, deceived, mislead, swindled, fooled, robbed, defrauded, lead astray, made a sucker, taken for a ride, ensnared, lured, baited, defrauded, sucked in, conned, cheated, for the above.

I feel lied to because she said we were friends again yet said I ended it (which I did have to later after she had to fully walk away)

I feel lied about because she said she called the police about arresting me for endangering people when I drove. The police had no record of any such call.

I feel yanked, jerked, thrown away, trashed, ganged up on, and turned against by her "all knowing therapists and friends" who know nothing about me except what she tells them or chooses to show them in an email which can be easily edited.

She tried to turn my family against me but they didn't budge. My family is tight and they will always stick up for me.

She gave a false friendship.

She practices deceitful love, one I will never expose myself or my family to again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm grieving for myself because I ignored all the warning signs when I was sick, wanting to believe the best in her when she was taking care of me but the best wasn't really there. Please forgive me God. I want to learn and grow from this experience. I need your grace, your forgiveness, your eyes and your light to shine upon thee. It's at your throne of mercy I bow down and ask for these things.

Thank you for Jo, Laurie, Bonnie, Anne, Annie, Donald, Aunt Mimi, Debra, Marsha, Nancy, Soni, Debbie, Pam, Mom, Tina and Tracy and my Al-Anon group - godly women who know me and have prayed for me throughout this entire process and in years past. Women who know my integrity, my character and even if they don't understand all of what's going on, still send me a note from time to time. These women I love with Christ's love. I ask you to bless, protect, encourage and grow them in their spiritual gifts and in their personal walks with you. Help me to remember these are my friends and I can reach out to them. I'm not alone though at times I feel lonely. Help me to send emails and direct me to whom they should go.

And Lord? Please heal Stephanie's hurts, heal her destructive habits, and help she and her therapist identify her hangups so she can have a life that is no longer bondage of self but filled with freedom in you. I do still love her because of you so keep her close to you, okay?

Love Amy

Admit Your Emotions - Sadness

When a friendship dies but the person is not gone,
Strong feelings of sadness and grief tend to linger on.
You've already apologized so you're side of the street is cleansed.
They say it's because your "mentally unstable" but you know the truth.
They can't be around you anymore because their codependency doesn't know what to do.

So they bad mouth you to their friends so they come out smelling clean.
They deny any wrong doing and make you look unclean.
Their friends shout, "Get away quickly while you still can!"
So your friend jumps in the water and swims as fast as she can.

She doesn't have the decency to tell you it's her own fault,
To tell you it's her own issues that caused your heart to jolt.
Instead she blames you, lies to herself, and to others.
Her therapist, her friends, her pastor and daughter.

So what do you do when someone swims away?
You make sure you follow through on the conciliation process before they get away.
Cause even if the friendship is not meant to be,
Let there be peace...and let her swim free.

Dedicated to Stephanie:



Lyrics:

Where there is love there is a peace
And in the cages that bind the bitter heart it is release
Hold it close to your chest, let it move and let it rest
For it is here to set your mind at ease
Where there is love there is a peace

Where there is hope there is a dream
To rise above, to remit and to redeem
To go back, to go where there's no hurt or anger there
To find the song that you once could sing
Where there is hope there is a dream

Where there is faith there is a chance
To alter the course and fight the winds of circumstance
Not to scar, but to mend, not to break, but to bend
And not to know but to understand
Where there is faith there is a chance
Where there is hope there is a dream
Where there is love there is a peace

Simply Today

Happy Birthday Dad

Dear Dad,

It's been years since I've seen you on your birthday or sent you a card. A couple of days ago I found myself crying because I thought I'd spend the day with you today. Buy you a card, go fishing, find something that could be your urn (because your wife still won't let us see your actual urn), burn a couple packs of Lucky Strikes (unfiltered) for your ashes then set it someplace peaceful.

Now that the day has arrived, it's like any other day. I still think of you. I wish I could give you a card but I'm not sure what to do. I might be visiting a friend in the hospital. When I went to pick out something that looked like an urn I got so choked up I had to put it back. Today is not the day you died. Today is the day you were born.

Born into a sinful world that gave you a hard life. A life you did not deserve just like the life I did not deserve. In many ways we were brought up the same way. Your father's addiction to alcoholism as well as your own, your sexual dysfunction and physical abuse have had everlasting effects on both of us. I believe you have been healed by our Heavenly Father just as I am being healed.

I could not honor you when you were alive. There was too much hurt and too much abuse. We were strangers by the time you died. Now that you have gone on into eternity I can honor you in death.

You see Dad, today used to be your day. But now it is my day. It's my day to either remember you with whatever emotion and expression the Spirit brings to my heart or it's my day to not remember you at all. And that's living in the freedom Christ gives us when our abuser is no longer living or able to hurt us ever again.

I still don't know what I'm going to do or whose day it is. You've only been gone 18 months so this is all new to me. This I do know: I love you, I miss you, I wish we could spend the day fishing together then go to Sam's Club afterward for a hot dog and Coke like we used to.

That would be a perfect way to spend the day with you on your birthday. And yes, I know, you'd want a sentimental card with a Menard's gift card in it!! I'll always remember that one.

Your loving daughter,
Amy

Truth

Poetry is written in many ways like wine.
Some express thoughts through rhythm and rhyme.
Others express feelings through experiences over time.
All are valuable when you pick from the vine.

The tree of knowledge is mysterious and out of reach,
For those of us who suffer from chemical imbalances,
Living an easy life is not easy to preach.
But is there no hope for those of us with this dis-ease?
In the end there is always hope,
For it is our God we hope to please.

So in our suffering no matter how scary we become,
We'd rather have you come toward us than turn away and run.
And in those times of uncertainty when suicide is mentioned,
Please understand it's a chemical imbalance,
Not something we purposefully intention.

But if it should happen by accident for sure,
Do not blame yourselves, but the disease that has no cure.

Diabetes

When a dear friend has a diabetic coma with physical pain,
It's hard to watch them fight for their lives and want to live again.
It puts in perspective the lives we all live,
Some of us are stronger - some have no more to give.

My friend and I struggle with mental illness unknown,
To many outsiders we look normal as the day we were born.
But inside lurks a monster waiting to get his due,
We have to stay alert otherwise we are doomed.

Prayers go up to the Father of all creation,
Asking for protection, healing and other words in summation.
Does the God of Heaven know what mental illness is all about?
Of course he does, look at Judas, who hung himself!

In closing I say don't worry about the facts.
For the facts don't mean anything when there's no one to listen.

This Is Not That Day

Another day passes as I lay in bed,
Tossing and turning this crap in my head.
An appt to see a neuropsychiatrist on the 17th,
Is that all I need? Will that bring relief?

I see my therapist on Thursday,
That day can't come sooner.
So I stay in my bed, watch movies and slumber.
There are times I shake, I tremble, I have a headache and more,
But I hold fast to His mercy cuz it's worth fighting for.

There's part of me that want's to give up this fight.
To turn it all in and swallow the spite.
But I know God doesn't want me to at least not yet.
So I cling to his armor and to the battlefield I set.

Jesus didn't promise a life of ease.
He promised to be with us if that's what we please.
So I curl into my covers, shake, rock and cry.
Knowing my Savior already bled and died.

The suicidal thoughts still dance in my head,
Calling my name to a dark place instead.
But my faith in God is stronger than death,
For he called me to a higher purpose,
And that takes life and breath.

I don't want to talk to anyone,
I don't want to explain.
I want to be by myself,
So I can figure out this pain.

Besides, no one can help me.
Not really. It's my own journey.
One I must travel alone.

Suicide

Go find rest my weary soul,
In a place where others cannot go.
One that is quiet, restful and pure,
A place that's exquisite and offers a cure.

The mental distress the physical stress,
The mental fights the physical flights,
The mental freezers the physical seizures,
All locked up in one storage unit - the brain.

Neurotransmitters up and down,
Serotonin running around,
Nor-epinephrine shouting things out,
I am deaf to the them all as I am fading out.

What does one do when all else is failing?
They write a note that says "It's not anyone's fault."
And hope they keep prevailing.
But if something happens, like suicide instead.
I have to be honest and say it would feel good to be dead.

I love my family, I love my friends, I love my church and I love God.
But the mental roller coaster I'm on is too long of a ride with no end in site.
I've battled this for years and without it being said,
I know God understands how I feel even when I feel I want to be dead.

I can't take the pain, I can't take the suffering,
I can't take the relational losses and I can't take the setbacks.
I love my nephews and nieces with all my heart, I love my family who has always been there for me, I love what few friends I have left and I love God who promises to never leave me. I have a giant called manic depression, mental illness, and many folks don't make it in this life. Many are Christians and just can't do it. I've been fighting for so long - group therapy, individual therapy, etc. I've worked my butt off and still I feel no different. Others have left because they can't handle it, either. Who can blame them? I don't want to be in my skin either.

Is this a suicide note? I don't know. It will be if I commit suicide. But for now, I stay alive. I don't know how and I don't know why.

1, 2, 3, 4, Seizures

From WebMD regarding Absence Seizures, the type I have:

How Can I Prevent Absence Seizures?
Currently there is no way to prevent absence seizures because most cases have no known cause.

That would be the exact definition for my situation.

I had the worst seizure Wednesday night. I called a friend as soon as it began. She dialed 911 immediately. They were there to witness what was going on. By the time they got there I was responsive but unable to form words. I was rushed to the hospital and I shook all over but not given any medication.

Before I reached the hospital, I went into an absence seizure. I could hear some of what was going on around me but could only respond by blinking or a mild hand squeeze. I was hooked up to an IV, given Ativan (A seizure medication) then after an hour and fifteen minutes, it was like I snapped out of it. I sat up, looked at all the tubes hooked up to me and asked my friend what happened and what was I doing here.

She filled me in. The doctor came in, decided to admit me so off to a room I went. The next morning I complained of feeling shaky inside then had another seizure. Nurses were shaking me trying to prevent the absence seizure but I could feel my eyes becoming fixated. They immediately called the neurologist who said to give me Ativan. Once I was back to "normal" they told me I was being moved to ICU so they could monitor me better.

During that same day, the EEG they ran caused another seizure but didn't show an epileptic seizure. I already knew I didn't have those.

I ended up having another seizure (3 in one day) but that one I don't remember.

The next day I had a brain MRI (I've had lots of those), an EKG and an Echo cardiogram to check my heart. All's good.

Next step is to see a Neurologist specialist downtown.

I picked out this song from Michael Jackson because if you listen to the words, like some of his music, I believe you hear how lonely he was and how close he wanted to feel to God. That's in the second song.

Inside

When you look inside and all you feel is pain,
It's time to die.
When your therapist tells you cutting no longer works to take away your pain,
It's time to die.
When your psychiatrist tells you the medication is going to take time to work,
You look up toward heaven longing to die.

You protect yourself from all unsafe people.
I hide in my house.
I call no one.
If I have another seizure, I call 911, not a friend.

I can handle this on my own.
I don't want to die.
My thoughts tell me to kill myself.
I just want to be left alone.

What's wrong with that?

What Now Lord?

Dear God,

I'm numb. I'm lost inside. I can't find my way out. It's dark, cold and lonely. I feel an evil presence around me. I'm scared but have no where safe to go. There's no light to guide me.

I hear noises. Footsteps. Breathing. He's getting closer. I freeze and stop breathing. The noises stop. They move off in another direction. I am safe for now.

I begin to move again. But I am fooled. He was waiting for me. All along his evil was waiting for me.

It was a night I shall never remember, a night I shall never forget. One of many, one of few. One of tears and pain, one of silence and disassociation.

I shall never speak of it, I shall never give voice to them. Words cannot describe the experience, no adjective is suitable.

Amy

Pains In My Side

My knees are healing from the fall last week.
Now my side is aching like another kidney stone is going to pass.
Doesn't my body know how to take a break?

I'm at the ER at least once a month for something.
Something legitimate.
Something where I need medical attention.
Something that involves the paramedics, friends or both.

I'm discouraged that my physical body is so broken.
I'm discouraged it's taking so long to get things fixed.
I'm discouraged Social Security and Medicaid seem to be messed up.
I'm discouraged I won't make it.

I try not to lose faith or hope.
I try not to focus on the cutting I've done to my body.
I try not to be negative when God has given so much to me.
I try to be grateful for my friends and family.

But today I have a sharp pain in my side.
I want to lay down on my bed and have someone I love rub my back.
Rub my back until I cry myself to sleep.
So I can feel loved, really loved, safe and protected.

I want the one God is giving me to heal the past. I want Jill. The one who sacrificially drives up in the middle of the night to hold me as I shake and cry, then I go into a seizure then she and my friends call 911 to get me to the hospital. I want my friend who loves me and will always be here for me. The one where our friendship is reciprocal and our love for Jesus and prayer is a cord that cannot be broken.

My pain will subside one way or another.
One way or another, it always subsides.

Explosions

New medications, explosions in my head.
Random thoughts of suicide, no thoughts of being dead.

Medications have side effects, this I've long forgotten.
When I want to flee or freeze at night, I get the help I've gotten.

I wake up at eight, take my meds, then sleep until noon.
I hope this chemical transition passes on soon.

The day times are difficult, the night times more so.
I cling to a special pillow that reminds me of a friend's love and I don't let go.

Once I called someone and she spent the night.
I kept waking up to make sure she was there and I'd be alright.

I don't know if God will release this from my life.
I'm learning how to handle it better though at times I use my knife.
He doesn't expect me to be perfect, to walk this road alone.
He wants to walk with me so I reach out with little hands and little bones.

The beginning.

Can't Get Into Your Blog

Dear Family and Friends,

I turned my blog off for a few days so I could get out of my head what's been causing me to cut so much. It was for my protection.

On Tuesday the 25th I met with my psychiatrist. We discussed changing all but one of my meds. I've been suicidal, hanging on until I could see her. I'm taking the meds I had been taking before my insurance ran out when everything had to be changed. It sent me into a state of oblivion (no joke here) where getting through the day became more difficult.

I chose not to hospitalize myself. I wasn't going to argue with a psych who didn't know the plan we had ready to go. Bad decision? Maybe but I think it was the best decision at the time.

All that to say I'm transitioning off the bad meds and onto the good ones. I feel more confident walking forward having survived what I survived.

No drama.
Life in life's terms.

Thanks-
Amy

Father's Day

The Past:
Family
Affected
Through
His
Excruciating
Rage and
Sarcasm

Diseased
Alcoholic
Yelling




The Present:
Farewell
Argumentative
Temper
Hatred
Evil
Rampage
Seducer

Destroyer
Admonishing
Youth-abuser

It's Not Over

What do I see?

Tears
Pain
Relief
Blood
Progression
Crosses
Heart Hurts
Under Stomach Hurts
Split Down the Middle
Deadened
Knife Dripping With Unresolved Pain
Cut in Half
Nowhere To Hide
Cover It All Up
Shoulders Are Overburdened
Hands Grabbing
Anchored In Self
No Chains
No Bondage
Cut Some More....

Good Thinking

I did not cut today but here's what I drew out to do to myself.

I gave a friend permission to call a friend of hers who is a therapist or the police if she ever felt I was in danger. That was hours before this happened.

I was at her house having another fight with an anxiety attack. She drove me home. I tried to go to sleep. Yeah, like that's gonna all of a sudden work.

Got up and planned on doing more cutting, adding to the existing artwork on my body. Pulled up the file from the other day. Using the paint feature, I added the red lines to the already existing ones, trying to get a feel of what to do next.

Then I heard loud pounding. Thought it was the cats racing up and down the cat tree. But then someone was turning the door knob and bright lights were shining into my house. Great, the police were here. She had called them to see how I was doing. My other friend was here, too.

The police talked to me for quite a bit. I showed them the cutting I'd done the week before, my therapist I see twice weekly and the appt I have on Tuesday with my psychiatrist who is already going to change my meds. I explained what happened last Thursday with the double seizures and PTSD/panic attacks. I didn't mention anything about the drawings nor about anything else that could compromise my control in the situation.

1. Good thing I didn't cut.
2. They agreed my anxiety couldn't be handled by the ER.
3. They suggested I stay with my friend.

After much discussion about the hospital, I put on my shoes, grabbed my clothes and spent the night at her house.

I didn't cut, I didn't get committed for the up-teenth time and now it's only three days until my meds get adjusted.

I feel I've lost a friend, I'm grieving that loss but I'm trying to move on. In the meantime, I have to do what I can to cope. And for some reason, chocolate isn't working, drinking isn't working but cutting is working. It's getting the pain out.

I Believe

Dear God,

I believe you have a plan and purpose for all the events that have shaped who I am.

I believe you will fully restore me for your glory so others can be encouraged as they walk the same difficult paths I've walked for the last 28 years.

I believe you do not waste pain. You provide the right people at the right time for the right purpose.

I believe when three cords are intertwined they cannot be broken.

I believe you are the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament.

I believe you are strong, steadfast and true to your word.

I believe you are healing only what you can heal as long as I have my hands open and my arms outstretched toward you.

I believe you will mend brokenness, comfort grieving and bring a new day when all tears shall be wiped away.

I believe you are for me, not against me.

I believe you love me with an everlasting love.

I believe you were with me while the sexual abuse was happening. I believe you cried for me when I could not utter a sound.

I believe you are a righteous judge and my Dad has stood before you (as other perpetrators have) and been confronted with the sin they committed against an innocent little girl.

I believe you are the great forgiver of my sin and of all sin, no matter how bad or how ugly.

I believe when my Dad asked Christ to forgive him for his sin at age 12, Christ received him into his family where my Dad now rests.

I believe the pain in my heart will always be with me.

I believe you will be with me, too.

Love Amy

This song was chosen because there are those who don't know God and need to. Just like Jesus didn't hang out with those who didn't need a doctor, we need to reach out to those who are lost in and of this world.

Lost, Not Found

Dear God,

Lost in the pain of losing a friend. Lost in the inability to sleep. Lost in deep sorrow over many things. Lost in my relationship with you.

Nowhere to be found. Gone in my mind. Departed from reality. Driving far away where no one can ever find me.

Restless thoughts. Restless motions. Restless racing. Restless images.

No peace. No slumber. No escape.

Prisoner of internal war.

Love Amy

DEAD-A Few Days Later

Dear God,

Brokenness manifests itself in many forms. Like other people with a similar background, manifestation is inward pain shown on the outside of our bodies. Either through cutting, over eating, starvation, alcoholism or pornography. Those are just a few of mine.

I want to believe what your Word says but honestly I've lost my footing. I've slipped - now I know what that means after 28 years in 12 step groups. The Al-Anon meeting last night was refreshing. Being amongst a healthy group of strong recovery helped me feel stronger, like I can take charge and submit what needs fixing to you and to Jeff. I know I have to let Jill go. That pains my heart but if it's necessary for both our growth, with a breath of kindness, I place us in your hands.

Steps I learned at Good Shepherd in April:

1. Admit you need help
2. Find safe groups and people
3. Talk about your hurts, stumbling blocks and destructive thoughts or habits
4. Practice positive new behaviors
5. Practice them again
6. Keep a brief daily journal of your day
7. Find your expression: Self-talk; Self-expression; self-soothing
8. Believe you know yourself better than anyone else!

I believe my feeble life has a plan and a purpose. I believe you are working on it even when I carve up my body, drink or abuse myself in some other way. The ways of escape are numerous.

God, you're the only one I trust. Most people, except for two, have stuck with me through it all. I think the cutting freaks most people out.

Love Amy

Do You Really Know?

Not unless you've had these feelings or violations:

Addiction, Beaten, Convulsions, Dominated, Eating Disorder, Falsehood, Gone, Harsh, Ignored, Judged, Keep Secrets, Lost, Melancholy, Nowhere, Out of It, Panic, Quiet, Ready to Fight, Scared, Tearful, Used, Violated, Withdrawn, Xcelerated Childhood Development, Yearning for Comfort, Zero Safety.

I sit here with my left arm all cut up from trapped feelings. Unless you've been where I've been, you have no idea, I would never wish it upon you and I'd never expect you to understand. In fact, I expect you to leave me.

Having a vivid dream of my father raping me at age 12-13 then in the dream him acting as if you're dating is disgusting. That's what happened. What does an adult who felt like a child, who just came off a day of two seizures, do with all of that? She cuts. She carves. She makes a clear statement. Sure the pain gets out, the trauma is released, the most horrible occurrence in her life has a voice and is heard but who hears it?

I hear it. Do you?????? It whispers my name over and over again.



Lyrics:

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again...

(Chorus)
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

(Chorus)

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

(Chorus)

There's No Crying In Cutting

(My Arm - June 13, 2009)

Depraved
Enemy
Always
Deceitful

DEAD

The enemy is lurking,
Seeking out survivors.
Find him and kill him.
If you don't he will find you
And destroy you.

Make a laceration, carve out the anguish.
Your pain means a lot to someone, you just have to reach out.
I didn't.
In the end, I hurt myself but it's all I knew at the time.
There are those I could have called, could have reached out to.
But in the end, I was so overwhelmed with torment that cutting was the only release I could grasp. And in the end, I have no regrets.

That's the saddest part...

Cry for Help?

Dear God,
I have my knife. I am alone, I am dead, I am determined to let this pain out once and for all. I will carve a sign or a series of lines. I will etch a saying or a pattern of hash marks.

I will bleed.
I will feel that sweet release.
I will cut as much as I want to until it's gone.
I will cut as deep as I want to until it's out.

My Dad, that bastard who raped me last night in the dream will not ever stop me. I was thirteen when that happened. His death will be my death.

I will cut out the pain, the dirtiness, the shame.
There will be external scars for what he did to me.
Scars no one else can ever stop.

I go now and I cut.
Carefully, with precision, so I don't get locked up in the hospital.
No one will know where or how wide or how long or how deep.

Only you and I shall know.
Everyone else can only guess.

Erik